Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me” by Comedian John Knight

 

As you read this, the plan should already be taking place. You all know the Pope is visiting the United States for the first time in his life. Two days in Washington, D.C. and then two in New York. I can understand both of those choices but today makes no sense. He’s coming to Pennsylvania and by some scheduling mishap; he’s going to the wrong city.

For reasons unknown, he will be going into Philadelphia instead of Pittsburgh. Philadelphia? This is a city where Santa Claus, a man who comes bearing joy and gifts, was greeted with boo’s and pelted with snowballs! We can’t allow the Pope to be subjected to this kind of boorish behavior. He’s having enough problems being called a leftist and a communist because of such radical ideas as forgiveness and helping the poor. You know, the parts of the Bible conservatives have been whiting out for the last thirty years. I have to get the Pope out of there.

We need a distraction. I’m going to use John Chamberlin, the creator of this site, to help. When he asked me to start writing this weekly column I told him he might have to get dirty. He said he understood but I don’t’ think he was really aware of what that meant. He’s about to find out the hard way. This is how it’s going to go down. Chamberlin is going to yell,

“Flyers Suck”

while waving a Penguins banner. As the crowd pounces on him and begins to beat him to a bloody pulp, I will grab the Pope and rush him to a waiting car. I figure I’ll use mine. It has a sun roof in case he’s wearing the big hat.

Traffic should be light going out of the city and we’ll be westbound on the Pennsylvania turnpike before anybody realizes what happened. There will probably be some pit stops along the way. He’s seventy-eight after all. He’ll probably have to pee at least twice during a four and a half hour drive. That’s why we will need a disguise. I’m bringing along a vintage Franco Harris Steelers’ jersey. I’m thinking, during football season; when you see somebody wearing a shirt representing the guy that mad the “immaculate reception” and a Pope hat…you really don’t look twice.

Communication will be a problem between us. He doesn’t speak much English, which you would think would be a requirement for the job. Besides, what would we talk about, religion? It would just be him droning on and on while I nod my head in agreement. What we need is music. He should be singing,

“Play that Funky Music White Boy”

by the time we roll into town.

Ok, the way I see it, we should do this at Point State Park. Can you think of a better place? The Pope can hold a mass with the three rivers in front of him and the beautiful city of Pittsburgh as a backdrop. It’ll be much better than that rat hole, Philadelphia. Afterwards we can give him a tour of the city. It can end at Heinz Field and a glance at the six Super Bowl trophies, unlike that empty trophy case across the state.

I’m looking to arrive around two or two thirty this afternoon. I hope to see an enormous crowd. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity after all. If we’re not there by three you will know we are stuck in some ridiculous construction or detour. Just be patient and curse Penn Dot. Of course if he wants coffee, who knows how many times I will have to stop. Hopefully we’re no later than three-thirty.

Now, you’re probably going to hear some crazy terms on the news. Things like kidnapping and crazed lunatic. Just ignore them. I think once the Pope sees the majesty of our city; I will be greeted as a liberator…Wait, that doesn’t sound right anymore, does it?

Oh, by the way. In the event you’re watching the news and there’s a headline like,

“Pittsburgh man arrested for attacking Pope while companion is beaten senseless.”

Just go ahead with the plans you already had for the day.

 

Follow John on Twitter @jknight841

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