Our Saturday Feature

What Aggravates Me by Comedian John Knight

Social media, for me a necessary evil, for a lot of people an addiction and waste of valuable time. Most of it still seems very strange to me. Why must some people let us know every move they make or thought that enters their head? Do they think we care?

Then there’s the terminology. It used to be if somebody was following us we would run away or call the police. Now we try to get as many people as possible to follow. In the not too distant past if I told a woman,

“I’m going to tweet your twitter.”

I probably would have been arrested or taken in for questioning. Definitely would have been slapped. But now we want our tweets to be retweeted… If you had told me fifteen years ago that I would type that last sentence and it would make perfect sense I would have assumed we had all suffered brain damage. Probably from the chemicals in the food. I don’t know maybe we have.

Speaking of food, why do people think I want to see a picture of what they are about to have for lunch. I see this constantly on Facebook. It used to be people might say a prayer of thanks before they ate. But now it’s,

“Hold on a minute Lord. Be right with you. Just let me snap a selfie with this burger.”

I don’t know how this works. Do you have to wait to see how many likes you get before you can eat? What if you don’t?

“Excuse me waiter, my friends don’t like this sandwich. I’d like to send it back.”

The weirdest are these posts.

“Sad news today. Uncle Fred passed away unexpectedly.”

Sixty-Seven likes.

Who are these ghouls?

“Hey I see Uncle Fred finally kicked it. Never thought that old bastard was going to drop.

You have to like this!”

Why does every instant have to be captured or shared? The last time I went to see Springsteen I think I was the only person in my section not recording. People missed the entire concert doing this. I guess they could go home later and watch what they missed on their phone.

The other night I was sitting on my back deck smoking a cigar. Suddenly I looked up and noticed a fawn playing with a rabbit in my yard. My phone was in reach and I was about to grab it and get some footage. Then I thought to myself,

“What if I scare them?”

So I just sat back and watched. It was my moment and if you wanted to see it you should have been there.

You shouldn’t have to show everything. It keeps people from using their imaginations. Everybody knows what a baby deer and rabbit would look like chasing each other. The only thing you don’t know is what my yard looks like. So, use your imagination. Imagine it with a big built in swimming pool surrounded by a stone patio. I don’t have one but it’s your imagination and I would like to have one. Oh, and could you level off my hills so it’s easier to mow the lawn.

What I’m saying is people are too concerned about capturing what is happening than experiencing it. Just eat your damn sandwich! I don’t need to know what it looks like. Life is short. Enjoy each moment. I’m sure poor old Uncle Fred wishes he could.

Follow John on Twitter @jknight841

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