Our Saturday Feature

What Aggravates Me by Comedian John Knight

Let me start off by saying that I like Daryl Hammond. I used to know him, he was never anything less than a gentleman and he is very talented. I think he is one of the best impressionists I have ever seen. That being said, these new KFC commercials are annoying the hell out of me.

It’s not the fact they are using a dead person in the ads but the way he is being portrayed. This is not the beloved Colonel Sanders of my youth, who I hold partly responsible for my childhood obesity. No, this is some weird old coot with a maniacal laugh.

“Heh heh heh…”

Sounds more like the creepy guy hanging around the playground with a pocket full of Hershey kisses. Why they were always buried so deep in there I’ll never know.

The commercial that bothered me most was when he was singing about the mass quantities of food you get for one low price and,

“A big ol Kookie.”

What the hell is a kookie? Is it anything like a cookie?

How good can the food be when the selling point is a lot of it for one low price? I know this is a nation that loves to overeat. We’re only one week removed from the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest being broadcast live on ESPN. Binge eating is now a sport in this country. If you’re unfamiliar with this event, contestants attempt to eat enough hot dogs to feed an entire village in Zimbabwe in under ten minutes. The winner gets a yellow belt. Losers get extremely sick. Hard to believe other countries hate us.

Maybe I shouldn’t knock KFC whose last two owners have been such health conscious corporations as R.J. Reynolds and currently Pepsi. That’s why you get that gallon of high fructose lemonade thrown in to wash down your artery clogging meal. If it was still R.J. Reynolds it would be,

“You get a bucket of chicken, mashed taters, gravy, sixteen biscuits, three pies and

a carton of Camels for one low price. We call this lunchtime for two!

It was originally known as Kentucky Fried Chicken. The name was changed to KFC because the word fried is considered unhealthy. Could you imagine being at that meeting?

“We need to come up with a healthier way to sell our chicken.”

“What about using healthier oil?”

“We could bake the chicken instead of frying it.”

“Why don’t we change the word fried to an F?”

“Brilliant! We have a winner!”

That person probably received a big bonus.

Maybe I’m wrong about this whole ad campaign. Perhaps enough people will get turned off by the creepy commercials that we’ll all start eating healthier. There will be less overweight people and if you don’t think obesity is a problem just take a trip to Wal-Mart some Saturday afternoon. I know I’m dreaming but at least it’s a good dream. It’s not like the nightmares I’ve been having since Colonel Sanders came back from the dead.

It’s been terrible. He comes back to haunt me every night when I try to sleep. I try to think pleasant thoughts but I can’t. You see, the crazy guy at the playground doesn’t just have his pockets filled with chocolate kisses anymore. Now he has a big ol Kookie…I’ll be sleeping with the lights on again tonight.

“Heh heh heh!”

Follow John on Twitter @jknight841

Order his book by clicking the icon below.


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