One more “guest blog” as we give some Pittsburgh Comedians
a chance to express themselves!
By: Tom Musial (Pittsburgh Comedian)
On a hot summer day, lots of people like to beat the heat by heading to the local theater to catch the latest big movie. But as with anything,you’re going to have to deal with Jagoffs.
We all know about the Talking Jagoffs and the Texting Jagoffs and the Excuse-Me-I-Have-To-Go-To-The-Bathroom-Ten-Times Jagoffs, but I want to talk about the Food Jagoffs: those patrons who insist on pairing their movie with a five course meal of a giant soft pretzel, a slice of pizza, a foot long chili dog, a box of chicken fingers, and a tray of nachos.
Let me be clear: I have nothing against snacking in a movie theater. Movies and popcorn have been an American tradition for more than a century. Personally, I prefer a box of Sno-Caps. But a full meal? It’s a concession stand, folks, not a Golden Corral.
I can’t understand why someone would even want that nasty and outrageously expensive theater food anyway. If you’re that hungry on the way to the show, drive through McDonalds! You can get a 20-piece McNugget for only $4.99 these days. That wouldn’t even cover the cost of your soft pretzel.
I wouldn’t even mind so much if they ate their food during the previews and then took their trash out into the hall. But instead, these bozos eat half of each plate, then stick their refuse under their seat where it quickly begins to decompose.
There’s nothing more disgusting than a pile of half-eaten food slowly disintegrating in a dark, crowded, airtight room. By the time the movie gets to the exiting climax, the entire theater smells like a dumpster out behind a roller rink.
I went to see “Inception” a few years back, and to me the biggest mystery was: why do Leonardo DiCaprio’s dreams smell like dried ketchup floating in a bed of congealed nacho cheese?
So to all you movie goers can’t make it two hours without a 5,000 calorie serving of processed meats and imitation cheese, please do me one favor –
go to Redbox… Ya Jagoffs!
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