Yinzers

May 23 2013

Church Going Jags.. (Catholics Will Love This)

I am not sure where to begin because while practicing our Faith and being “good Christians” we as a group, show more jagoffery then we should.

CCD Traffic
The parking lot is a good place to start. For a better part of the CCD year it is DARK outside by 6:00. CCD starts at 7:00. The streets around my parish are full of people bobbing and weaving in VEHICLES. My guess is that they are in such a rush to have their kids educated religiously they lose the concept of rules of the road, safe driving, and that there are- on average- 80 kids heading into the building. Pick up at 8:30 multiplies this by 100. People are swerving around kids trying to climb into their cars, and spinning into spots Dukes of Hazard style so they aren’t late to retrieve their offspring.
Church Parkers
Parking for mass is only a problem (at my parish) on holidays. However, it literally drives me mad when people park in the DRIVE THRU lane. It is marked in big painted letters so that when you decide to talk to your old neighbor about gardening and how her son in college is after mass, we aren’t sitting in our car waiting for you to move. Not parking lane, DRIVE THRU.

Mass Goers
Mass itself: No one owns any pews. We do not sponsor pews(yet), your name is not on the pew, and if by some act of the Big Guy himself, we beat you to mass, don’t waste the service boring your eyes into my skull so I get the drift that you claimed that pew. I don’t pay attention to where you sit. Ever. If we are making territories- I can bring some pee in a cup and sprinkle it around so you KNOW I marked that pew as ours. So far we aren’t taking it to that level.

Reading the bulletin during mass and especially during the homily makes you a jagoff. You might as well have stayed home. I will admit there are some weeks I feel like the priest is speaking directly to me, others where I am wondering how he is going to tie all the stuff he is talking about to the homily, and others where I am so out of it I am debating if I turned the bathroom light off. However, I am always respectful, quiet, eyes turned forward, even if my mind isn’t all there. Are you that desperate to know when the Knights of Columbus are hosting the next pancake breakfast?

Ditto for coming in so late the priest is on the homily. There is late, and then there is so late where just heading back home is the best choice. We see you come in, and even though we are in God’s house and not supposed to judge, we are collectively thinking, “Really Jagoff?”

Last week a new jagoffery occurred. After the sign of peace, the people behind me hand sanitized. During mass. In the middle of mass. I shook their hands, Howie Mandell wasn’t with them. Their floral scented faux pas lingered through the remainder of mass.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, am I right? I am not saying I am not a church jagoff. My daughter asks random questions LOUDLY and often. (My favorite involved if Scar from Lion King would go to the same Heaven as us.) When mass has ENDED (not after you receive the Eucharist ya’ jag) my husband makes us JOG to the car like we are at a Penguin game and have to get to the parking garage. I have trouble remembering prayers I have said 100s of times and have to use the cheat sheets. But collectively let’s drive slower, park smarter, pay attention, and be respectful. Let’s spend 1 hour a week in God’s house trying to be a little less jagoff-y.

Can I get an Amen ya’ jag?

Special thanks to our friend, and awesome yinzer, Nicole Smith, for being our guest blogger today!!!  Comment below for her!

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By Jagoff Catcher • Religion Jagoffs • Comments • Tags: Catholic Church, Church, Jagoff, Jagoffs, Pittsburgh, Pittsburghese, Sunday Drivers, Yinzers