West Virginia

We Know What To Get West Virginia For Christmas Next Year……(Salt Trucks)

Let’s start this off with every disclaimer we can think of:

Yes, we know that we live in the North East where it snows.

Yes, we know that sometimes snow hits SUDDENLY and the public have a tendency to whine about the road crews “not doing their job” just because they don’t see a Salt Truck within 50-yards of their house or car.

Yes we know that salt doesn’t work on the roads after a certain temperature.

Yes we know that SOMETIMES the snow falls so fast that the plows cannot keep up with the pace.

Yes, we are probably Jagoffs for driving to Florida during winter and being naive enough to think that we would make it back to Pittsburgh, thru the W. Va mountains,  without any weather issues.

BUT……..

the above picture was taken on Route 19, Summersville, WV last night about 5:30pm – just before we had to stop and get a hotel due to the weather and road conditions (snow squalls, high winds,  less than 100 feet of visibility)

Keep in mind, the above picture was taken about 3 hours after we made a detour off of the WV Turnpike due to it being at a complete stand still for over an hour.  (Yes they took our toll money and let us on the Turnpike DESPITE knowing that there was a 30-car crash at I-77 and I-64 that had been caused by an earlier snow squall.  No, there was no way to find any info on line, through a dial-for-road-updates-phone-line, or through a pigeon courier or burning-couch-smoke-signal.)

So we go NEE-nee-Naw in a cheap hotel to wait out the road crew and figure we will wake up to better road conditions and an easier trek back to Pittsburgh.

The picture below was taken about 12-hours after the first one, 5:30am the next day on the same road.

 

If you’re thinking that the road looks just as treacherous as the night before, YOU GUESSED CORRECTLY and you go to the BONUS ROUND for a chance at a NEW CAR!

So we drove from Summersville, WV over to I-79, North on I-79 with similar road conditions (not salted, plowed or whispped with Granny’s broom) and, just after daybreak, we had us our very FIRST Salt Truck sighting with one of those snow-pushing thingies plowing the edge of one of the off-ramps headed to WVU (an off ramp that was already clean/clear but needed a little edge-trimming.)

Hey WV DOT, do YOUR maps show that you have roads other than the nice flat ones around WVU?  Did ya’all think that even one swipe with a plow on the 120 or so HORRIBLE miles between Summersville and Morgantown might be helpful?

Yeeeeeeeees we know you’re gonna say “We were out all night, blah-blah-blah” but… we never saw ya any time while WE were on the mountain and the night staff at the hotel never saw ya clean Route 19 either.  You had over 12 hours to make at least ONE pass!

Guess, we know what you should ask Santy-clause for next year… a  new map that shows all the roads built since 1957 and about 10 more Salt Trucks.  One last option, you can buy US some of those “As Seen On TV” Personal Snow Plows to attach to our car…

Snow Mover Ice Pusher

….then you can comp us some Turnpike Tolls and gas money as we pass through your State AND PLOW on our next silly winter-Florida adventure, Ya Jagoffs!

 

AUTHOR’S NOTE:  Best Jagoff Tweet about yesterday’s snow-drivers:

“Lots of people driving worse than a 16YR old on a learner’s permit.” from Project-P-Pittsburgh 

 

SnowMover Pic from As Seen On TV

A Difficult Mother’s Day – (I Would Think)

(Click Here For Story From The Charleston Gazette)

So you showed up to mom’s house with a card, or maybe you took her to dinner or maybe you all went to the WTAE Komen Race, OR , if you’re a total slacker, you waited until the last minute and, on the way to your mom’s, you got some “fresh cut” flowers from one of those creepy-and-extraverted-semi-homeless-overly-intimidating guys meandering around at various City street intersections.  Either way, you did this because you want to say “THANKS” to your mother and you feel bad for any grief you might have caused her over the years.

So, what does THIS guy have to do to make Mother’s Day happy?   Mark Thompson, of Alum Creek, WV, was caught, WAIT, get ready cuz this is gonna run into the “WTF section” of your brain REAL FAST.  This guy:

  • Stole a young goat from his neighbor
  • Had sex with that goat in his bedroom
  • Killed the goat
  • Was high on, pot? cocaine? acid? NOPE!  Bath Salts!!!
  • Was dressed in women’s clothing
  • Had the goat dressed in some pink stuff as well!

YEAH.. even the Fayette County folks found this SHOCKING!

So what does this THIS guy gotta do to make reparations on Mother’s Day?  Either way, he’s set the bar high for the rest of us.  Everyone should send this article to your mom so that she realizes HOW GOOD SHE HAS IT!

But, hey, Mark “Goat Cheese” Thompson, it woulda been a whole lot easier on everyone, ESPECIALLY YOUR MOM and your future cellmate, if ya had just put on the lady’s clothes, spilled the bath salts into a tub to make some serious suds, shaved yer legs  and then simply had a “Calgon Take Me Away” afternoon, YA JAGOFF!!!

Welcome brand new Facebook Follower Larry who is our Jagoff Catcher for this story.  This counts because Larry lives in Pgh and works in WV.  

So officially he can be the WV Jagoff New Bureau Chief!

West Virginia Jagoffs – A Whole Town!

 

Oh my GAWD!!! Clay, WV.  Ever been????

So there we were in the family truckster driving up from the South headed toward I-79, the last leg, for home. I miss an exit and end up taking a 45-minute detour, thru Charleston, WV.  Now, the gang is hungry and has to pee.  We take the I-79 exit for Clay, West “holy hell” Virginia.

1)    As we take the exit for Subway – the next sign says food and toilets are 9.9 miles from the exit (Isn’t that illegal somehow?)– but everyone’s bladders are already sniffing a toilet somewhere so no way to say “Howzabout the next exit?”

2)    The road to Clay had more car-sickness-generating hills, u-turns and hairpin curves than any ride at Kennywood Park

3)    We played witness to literally EVERY West Virginia joke and stereotype – from house trailers held together with glue, plywood and two-by-fours, to rotten upholstered  couches on dilapidated porches to rusted old cars AND school buses in front yards

10+ miles later we hit 4 buildings of civilization – a Foodland Grocery Store, some kind of pizza and radiator shop, The Biscuit Palace and the Subway. (How in the hell did Subway end up here?)

Enter NEXT W.V. Stereotype:

The workers at the Subway talking ‘bout “gettin’ me one of those nine-ta-five jobs” while they ever-so-PAINFULLY-slowly play sandwich artist for the family of 6 in front of us (with 9 teeth total counting the infant) who were dressed in their “Sunday Best Blue Jeans.”

As we planned for our escape, I was looking for the quickest evacuation route so I didn’t have to sell my wife or daughter as ransom for my own freedom!   I found two cyclists in their fancy-tight-fitting uniforms.  They looked like ALIENS in the Subway – they HAD to know the escape exit, right?  The guy explains our exit route from holy-hell-town.  I confirm.  He explains again and then says, “but take yer time, it’s a beautiful drive along the river!”  NO THANKS CYCLE BOY – seen many rivers, have no interest in seeing the bottom of one or being tied to a tree near one.

This is reaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllly getting’ long so…..

Hey City of Clay, WV – Howzabout, when ya post those highway signs tellin’ drivers that there’s food and terlets at yer Junkhole-Deliverance-movie-set-We-take-pride-in-incest town, ya put an asterisk on it that says “you will be TOTALLY jacked if you actually try and stop here” YA JAGOFFS!!!!

 

DISCLAIMER: Not sure if this is funny or not but I am REALLY glad I got this off my chest.  Dr. Phil would be proud!

(And Mr. Clay, if I were yer family, I get that town name changed ASAP – yer kids letting this town use yer name is about as diabolical as them putting ya in a nursing home.)