Pittsburghese

Easter Jagoff – Pysanky Philanderer

YJ-EasterJagoff

Is there not a Holiday that goes by that doesn’t have some Jagoffery associated with it?

Check out this story from the TribLive website.

A summary of the story:

Guy and lady dying Easter eggs.

(You can just picture it… just like the scene from the movie “Ghost.”  The two of them hovered around their Steelers, Pirates and Penguins mugs filled with those goofy little pellets and smelly vinegar.)

Lady ALLEGEDLY accuses egg-dying partner of cheating on her.

(I guess that makes him mad because, well, obviously she’s not concentrating on how to get the deepest blue on her egg or how to use that silly wire-egg-holder-thingy to get a perfect two-color egg.)

I’m also kind of anxious as to how this came up.

(I wonder if he used the invisible secret crayon and wrote his other girly’s name on it and accidentally left the egg in the blue dye too long and she fished it out with the silly wire-egg-holder-thingy and BOOM!.. there it was!  ”Who in theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee @#$#@% is GiGi?”)

Guy ALLEGEDLY became agitated and began hurling the eggs at his egg-dying partner.

(As long ago as I can think of, we always died what seemed to be 5-tons of hard-boiled eggs.  I have no idea who ever ate all of those things but something tells me most of them were left over and used in the that year’s official first picnic, Memorial Day, for potato salad! So, while the eggs probably hurt, really, there were probably too many of them anyway.)

Guy ALLEGEDLY locks himself into room by blocking the door with an exercise machine.

(I wonder if his had just as many clothes hanging on it as mine does. If so, he could have lived in there for 3-4 weeks and had a new outfit for every day.)

Police finally get to the guy. He’s now in jail awaiting arraignment.

(More than likely, his girlfriend and his girlfriend missed him at the Noon Easter mass and the blessing of the baskets.  But then again, there probably weren’t many eggs to bless and he doesn’t seem to be a chocolate crucifix kind of guy.)

(I am sooooooooooo tempted to end this with a stupid, “The Yoke’s on YOU!” joke but I’m not gonna.)

Hey Philandering-Pysanky-Pete….if my mom would have been there, you would have been in even more trouble for wasting the eggs then you were for cheating on your girlfriend.  As she was pulling the short hairs on the back of your neck, she would have said, “It’s all fun ’til someone loses and eye,” Ya Jagoff!

 

 

Cheerleading Tryouts Leads To Coffee Throwing

YJ-cheerleading

How about this…

A woman is facing charges after she got into a heated fight with a parent during cheerleading tryouts at a Beaver County high school, and then poured coffee on the person who tried to break up the dispute.

See full story on KDKA.com here

The short version:

Girl doesn’t make cheerleading squad

22 year old woman, Kailyn Boring, gets in confrontation with another woman about who made the squad, who didn’t, blah, blah, blah, blah and other VERY critical life-altering things that go along with cheerleading.

Cheerleading squad adviser intervenes to stop the nastiness, gets coffee dumped on her (ALLEGEDLY) by Kailyn Boring

Welllllll, nice work showing the kids on how to handle themselves in life AND in cheerleading, Kailyn.  These kinds of incidents solve EVERYTHING in the world after high school… especially the dumping-coffee-on-someone skill.  In the work place it is actually very underrated.

Kailyn,  not sure where this ALLEGED incident is going to lead but thanks for demonstrating to the kids how to take disappointment with dignity!  Our thoughts, get a cheesy lawyer and say that the other lady said, “Let’s talk about this over coffee.  The coffee is on me,” and then you can testify that you THOUGHT she said, “Let’s talk about this over coffee.  DUMP THAT COFFEE on me!” Better yet, give the excuse that the warning on the coffee cup only says, “CAUTION: Hot Beverage” but does NOT clearly state to not throw it on someone.

Wait.. don’t do that.  That will just continue to embarrass the rest of us Pittsburghers even further.

All that I know is, after reading this story, once again, I called my parents (because they don’t know how to text) and thanked them for beating my ever-loving ARSE occasionally with a paddle.  And by the way, Kailyn, it would appear is if any future as a barista at Starbucks seems a bit in jeopardy, Ya Jagoff!

 

NOTE: No matter WHAT happens at any upcoming hearings, you’re in need of some SERIOUS “Jagoff Rehab.”

Please refer yourself to BOTH of these Pittsburgh websites: Secret Agent L and Dignity And Respect 

Two Old Obnoxious Guys In A Bar

YJ-Outback

Tuesday night I was eating a late dinner by myself at an out of town Outback. Since I was by myself, I chose to eat at the bar. Much to my dismay, there were two older guys, pictured above, sitting at the bar trying to be “those two funny older guys at a bar”

You know the type…. they have loud conversations between themselves, making jokes, so that everyone will look over at them and acknowledge their WHACKYNESS witha a laugh or a “those guys are crazy” kind of comment.

What they don’t realize, is that they are obnoxious and everyone in the bar would probably offer to buy them drinks so that they both pass out and shut up!

In my lonely boredom, I chose to tweet the comments that these guys were making, especially to the female bartender, who by the way, was just as sick of them as the rest of us around the bar. As I tweeted more and more with the hashtag #TwoObnoxiousOldGuysAtBar, more people started to jump in on the twitter feed. I was no longer bored and even had to order another unwanted beer just so I could sit at the bar and tweet the Jagoffery of Willy Lowman and his wannabee buddy.

Not all tweets are below but I’ve tried to recapture the fun.  I have to tell ya, the twitter-er-ers that got involved made my night!

Here’s the summary:

 

 

The Tweeting was on!

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To which this response came.

 

 

 

NOTE: If I would have done that, I would have been unconscious on the floor within 20 minutes.

 

 

At this point, ____sends me the tweet below with the Saturday Night Live Czeck Brothers

 

 

I felt like I had enough of food, beer and THESE GUYS but I got this tweet,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This thing went on for 45 minutes! The bartender said those two guys had been there for 4 hours! The next day, this is the tweet that I got from the bartender..

Funny thing.. some Twitter-er-ers like @poycer and @spode411 got in on the conversation late and starting retweeting the conversation all over again after I was long gone.

Hey.. Willy Lowman and Sidekick, please go get a radio show on some AM radio station or get your Whacky Morning Show Wannabee jokes out on a podcast or something because, an entire bar was dying to tell the two of you to SHUT THE HELL UP, Ya Jagoffs!!!  (But thanks for the entertainment!)