Pittsburghese

My Interview with Donald Trump (Kind of)

trump

Since I did such a great job interviewing Ernie Ricci yesterday, Donald Trump’s apprentice manager, of his non-existing-presidential-campaign, asked me to interview The Donald.

By the way, there was one stipulation to the interview: Do not ask about or refer to his hair. 

Being follicle-challenged myself, I had no qualms.  However, I was nervous that my eyes would constantly gravitate to his hair during the interview so I planned on picturing him with big boobs and cleavage so I would have something to stare at.

Here’s a transcript of my Donald Trump interview.

ME: Thanks for meeting me hair, um, (throat clear) HERE today.  What is your favorite Broadway play?

TRUMP: Hair

(dead silence on my part – beads of sweat begin to emerge)

ME: Well, um, (throat clear), good.  You’ve been giving other candidates a lot of chatter so far.  The news is quickly making you out to be a little caaaraaazzy if you don’t mind me saying.   TRUMP: Hey, campaigning is not a sprint, it’s a marathon, did you ever see the story of the “Tortoise and the Hare?”

(more dead silence on my part and now I’m wishing I had some Gas X and TUMS) . 

ME: Sir, do you know that you keep doing that?

TRUMP: Keep doing what?

ME: Nothing, nothing. Let’s move on.  I saw the photos of your newly redecorated office.  It looks very lavish.  Will you want to redecorate the White House if you move into it?

TRUMP: Hey, I buy lavish stuff with MY money, not the government’s.  Actually, quite frankly, with how much taxes I pay, most of the government money IS mine.  But I won’t be like that.  For the White House, I just want the carpet to match the drapes!

ME: Is that a hair reference?

TRUMP: Pardon me?

ME: Never mind.  Do you have a favorite Little Johnny joke?

TRUMP:  A what?

ME: You know, a Little Johnny joke.  I’m figuring nobody’s ever asked you that question yet.  My name is John so thought I would spitball here.

TRUMP: Do people actually tell jokes using names other than TRUMP?  If so, let me know, I’ll buy the rights to them and force them to have MY name inserted into all of them.

ME: Oh, I almost forgot.  If you were President, what would you do with Vladimir Putin?

TRUMP: I don’t care about him.  We’ll take him out easily.  We’re currently the laughing stock of the world.  This is business.  I will offer him asylum on the NBC Apprentice Show after I sue them and get it back on the air.  I’ll put Putin in a room with Gary Busey.  He’ll flip his wig!

ME: So here’s an example of a Little Johnny joke:

The teacher of an earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?”

After a loooooong confused silence of kids staring at each other, Little Johnny shouted, “I guess you’d be eating alone.

TRUMP: See, I hate what’s happening to this country?  Every kid should have a GPS unit!

ME: But wait, that story isn’t true.  The real story is that my 5th grade science teacher was EXTREMELY hot.  Me and my friend Dirty Kurty used to flip coins over who would marry her someday.  One day we were going over maps and Dirty Kurty thought he was gonna get a leg up on me in the relationship when he complemented the teacher, who was wearing a dress that day, about the “MINK STOCKINGS” she was wearing.  As it turned out, she had not shaved her legs, probably for most of the winter, and lotsa wirey hairs were sticking through her stockings!!!  He had a GREAT time eating lunch, ALONE, while the rest of us were out for recess!

TRUMP: Was that a “hair reference?”

ME: No, um, I, um….

TRUMP: YOU’RE FIRED, YA JAGOFF!

 

NOTE: Celebrity Bolded Font Impersonated

The Parking Lot “Scatter Drill”

YJ-BumperCars

 

You’ve been there… after a hockey game, after a Steelers game, Pitt Game, Pirates game and even after church!

ESPECIALLY church!!  All of those nice, sweet ol’ people that just said an hour of prayers… they get in their cars and become CRAZEEEEEEEEE Jagoffs as they try to beat each other to the last open table for post-church brunch at Eat n Park !

And after a big sports event.. everyone thinks they have the “special short cut” that allows them to get 2 cars FURTHER AHEAD than if they would have simply gotten in the line, like everyone else, as they pulled out of their parking spot.  Nope.. they have to zig-zag between cars and and make their OWN lanes!!!

Of course, sometimes there IS that driver that FORCES other drivers to make their own lane as they sit and sit and sit and sit….. while they let, what seems to be, the entire Steelers Fan Base in front of them because they are afraid to edge their car forward!

This ain’t Kennywood BUMPER CARS!  Some of you probably STILL don’t know how to back up… (HINT: it’s NOT by turning the steering wheel all the way to the RIGHT!)

Anyone ever heard of patience… taking your turn… or COURTESY, Ya Jagoffs??????

Thanks to @brookePGH from Twitter for being our Honorary Jagoff Catcher today!

 

Yakkin’ on the Rolling Stones Concert Audience

YJ-RollingStones

Normally we save the “Yakkin” verbiage for the Wednesday Yakkin’ With YaJagoff videos but….

As you well know the Rolling Stones came to town and allowed many young fans to see them for the first time but, worse, allowed many adults and seniors to relive the youth that has passed them by.

The Stones haven’t been here since 2005.  So Saturday night Pittsburgh got a blast from the past. And the girl in 532 row U seat 7 got a blast from the lady in row V seat 7. While the rain finally cooperated the 12 Cranberitas in row V did not. Somewhere around the first chorus of Tumbling Dice, row V decided to tumble her dice on to row U.

Ya have to love these people that pay $200 for a ticket to the concert…spend another $100 on pre-event booze and food and then a few more bucks on their concert beers and food and maybe another $45 on a special concert t shirt and then, completely miss the concert because they pass out or, as in the case with lady in Row V, Seat 7, get removed by security for puking on the people in the seats in front of her.  GOOD TIMES…just like band camp or behind the bleachers at the high school homecoming football game.

The good news is the tickets were only extremely expensive and there is a 99% percent chance you will never see the Rolling Stones again (1% says yes as long as Keith Richards continues to snort moon dust which he reportedly now has issues discerning between that and his senior-required body crevice talcum powder).

So don’t worry, I’m sure your decision to “pre-game” like prohibition just ended was a wise one, YaJagoff!