Pittsburgh

Easter Jagoff – Pysanky Philanderer

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Is there not a Holiday that goes by that doesn’t have some Jagoffery associated with it?

Check out this story from the TribLive website.

A summary of the story:

Guy and lady dying Easter eggs.

(You can just picture it… just like the scene from the movie “Ghost.”  The two of them hovered around their Steelers, Pirates and Penguins mugs filled with those goofy little pellets and smelly vinegar.)

Lady ALLEGEDLY accuses egg-dying partner of cheating on her.

(I guess that makes him mad because, well, obviously she’s not concentrating on how to get the deepest blue on her egg or how to use that silly wire-egg-holder-thingy to get a perfect two-color egg.)

I’m also kind of anxious as to how this came up.

(I wonder if he used the invisible secret crayon and wrote his other girly’s name on it and accidentally left the egg in the blue dye too long and she fished it out with the silly wire-egg-holder-thingy and BOOM!.. there it was!  ”Who in theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee @#$#@% is GiGi?”)

Guy ALLEGEDLY became agitated and began hurling the eggs at his egg-dying partner.

(As long ago as I can think of, we always died what seemed to be 5-tons of hard-boiled eggs.  I have no idea who ever ate all of those things but something tells me most of them were left over and used in the that year’s official first picnic, Memorial Day, for potato salad! So, while the eggs probably hurt, really, there were probably too many of them anyway.)

Guy ALLEGEDLY locks himself into room by blocking the door with an exercise machine.

(I wonder if his had just as many clothes hanging on it as mine does. If so, he could have lived in there for 3-4 weeks and had a new outfit for every day.)

Police finally get to the guy. He’s now in jail awaiting arraignment.

(More than likely, his girlfriend and his girlfriend missed him at the Noon Easter mass and the blessing of the baskets.  But then again, there probably weren’t many eggs to bless and he doesn’t seem to be a chocolate crucifix kind of guy.)

(I am sooooooooooo tempted to end this with a stupid, “The Yoke’s on YOU!” joke but I’m not gonna.)

Hey Philandering-Pysanky-Pete….if my mom would have been there, you would have been in even more trouble for wasting the eggs then you were for cheating on your girlfriend.  As she was pulling the short hairs on the back of your neck, she would have said, “It’s all fun ’til someone loses and eye,” Ya Jagoff!

 

 

It’s Starbucks, Not Heinz Field!!!

So Starbucks is a great place to hang out, relax, meet some business people and work on writing posts for this blog.  EXCEPT IF THIS GIRL IS IN THERE!!!!!

There I am, sitting quietly drinking my Starbucks hot chocolate (I don’t like coffee and their hot chocolate is served in the same adult-type cup as the coffee so I can STILL look like a big boy!)

Anyway, the two girls in the photo above come in and sit down. It’s some kind of “get-aquainted-you-tell-me-about-you-and-I’ll-tell-you-about-me” conversation.  I know this NOT from eavesdropping – the girl in the red hair talked sooooooooooooooo loud that I could hear her talking even when the cappuccino machine was running.

On top of that, she talked so fast and sooooooooo much that my head thought it was on the Scrambler ride at Kennywood Park.  The other girl was so politely quiet as one SHOULD BE in a public place, that, at first, I thought the red-head was one of those people that over-modulates on their cell phone as they are walking through town or sitting on the bus.

Not sure if the recording helps you feel my pain but, consider this, the recording was made in my iPhone from about 20 feet away.

Hey Missy Megaphone, meeting at a Starbucks is certainly no library meeting, but the next time you have one of your “You-sit-still-and-I’ll-tell-you-about-me” meetings in a public place, how about taking a heavy dose of “Shut-the-hell-up!” pills.

Or, feel free to have your next life-crisis conversations at Heinz Field while the Baltimore Ravens are trying execute a no-huddle offense in the final two-minutes of the game.  We’re pretty sure THAT CROWD will be louder than you (at least we THINK so) and nobody else within 3 feet will have to give a @#$@ about what you’re saying, Ya Jagoff!!

 

Cheerleading Tryouts Leads To Coffee Throwing

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How about this…

A woman is facing charges after she got into a heated fight with a parent during cheerleading tryouts at a Beaver County high school, and then poured coffee on the person who tried to break up the dispute.

See full story on KDKA.com here

The short version:

Girl doesn’t make cheerleading squad

22 year old woman, Kailyn Boring, gets in confrontation with another woman about who made the squad, who didn’t, blah, blah, blah, blah and other VERY critical life-altering things that go along with cheerleading.

Cheerleading squad adviser intervenes to stop the nastiness, gets coffee dumped on her (ALLEGEDLY) by Kailyn Boring

Welllllll, nice work showing the kids on how to handle themselves in life AND in cheerleading, Kailyn.  These kinds of incidents solve EVERYTHING in the world after high school… especially the dumping-coffee-on-someone skill.  In the work place it is actually very underrated.

Kailyn,  not sure where this ALLEGED incident is going to lead but thanks for demonstrating to the kids how to take disappointment with dignity!  Our thoughts, get a cheesy lawyer and say that the other lady said, “Let’s talk about this over coffee.  The coffee is on me,” and then you can testify that you THOUGHT she said, “Let’s talk about this over coffee.  DUMP THAT COFFEE on me!” Better yet, give the excuse that the warning on the coffee cup only says, “CAUTION: Hot Beverage” but does NOT clearly state to not throw it on someone.

Wait.. don’t do that.  That will just continue to embarrass the rest of us Pittsburghers even further.

All that I know is, after reading this story, once again, I called my parents (because they don’t know how to text) and thanked them for beating my ever-loving ARSE occasionally with a paddle.  And by the way, Kailyn, it would appear is if any future as a barista at Starbucks seems a bit in jeopardy, Ya Jagoff!

 

NOTE: No matter WHAT happens at any upcoming hearings, you’re in need of some SERIOUS “Jagoff Rehab.”

Please refer yourself to BOTH of these Pittsburgh websites: Secret Agent L and Dignity And Respect