Nothing else needs to be said… it’s the end of March and we just got pounded with snow! Yes, we know we live in Western Pennsylvania and the weather is crazy. But not NEAR as crazy as that “EARLY SPRING” B.S. Punxsutawney Phil dished out on national TV!!!
Phil, you’re lucky MOST of the people that were there at Gobblers’s Knob to hear your prediction on Groundhog Day were too drunk to remember it and hold you accountable. The rest of us are just PEEVED that we put blind faith in a ground hog and really believed that an early spring was coming, Ya Jagoff!!!
Still catching up on the snow-driving jagoffery from last week.
When you live in Pittsburgh you SHOULD become somewhat of a bad-road-aficionado. You know what we mean…when the ice and snow hits, Pittsburghers know to do only 15mph over the speed limit.
Last week, when 3-feet of snow fell in about 7 minutes, we found ourselves behind someone unfamiliar with Pittsburgh-winter-weather driving tactics. To be clear, we aren’t condoning reckless driving and we also understand that leaving our hopes in some local road crews to clear the roads is as much of a long shot as getting Ray Lewis to start the Baltimore chapter of Steeler Nation.
But we think that, the guy in the picture above, is indicative of the kind of ’Burgher that runs to their underground fallout bunker at the first snowflake that kisses the grass. Pretty sure that, as the above picture was being taken, we were getting passed by a horse and buggy and kid on a Big Wheel!!!!
Notice that this driver is applying his brakes, GOING UP HILL, as we pass a 35mph sign.
Actually, the pic above is NOT EVEN a still photo. It is actually a real-time video of what was going on.. it’s just that the guy was driving sooooooooooooooooooooooooo slow that it LOOKS like a still photo!!!!!!!!!!! (Kidding but that seemed funny)
Here’s our tip for this snow-flake-driving-fraidy-cat that’s ASCARED to drive on a snowflake….stock up on Charmin Ultra-Soft, milk and Schwebel’s bread in October so that you can stay the hell off the roads in December. Honestly, we believe that you’re driving so slow that even your GPS lady is yelling, “IT’S ONLY A LITTLE BIT OF SNOW, YA JAGOFF!”
There are lots of pretty good ways to predict the weather. “Red sky at night, sailors’ delight, red sky at morning, sailors’ warning” is tried and true. Cows are good. If the local cows are lying down in their field it means rain. Bunions are, of course, the standby weather forecaster, up there with arthritis, sinuses and old injuries; they’re always acting up when the weather’s about to change. The dog going crazy and tearing through a door could mean “there’s a tornado coming, hide in the cellar!” or nothing at all.
But, times they are a changin’.
Now, with rapidly advancing technology, we have Doppler Radar, NEXRAD, The National Weather Service, etc. But is our forecasting better? No! And why you ask? I’ll tell you why, the weather over Western Pennsylvania is a JagOff! That’s right. We have professional meteorologists predicting the weather using the latest bazillion watt radar technology, but how accurate are they? Not quite as accurate as a field of cows, who as we have just learned, lay down when it’s going to rain. So if there are 100 cows in a field and 80 of them are lying down, that means an 80% chance of rain, right? But what if according to Doppler Radar no rain is in the forecast. Who will you believe? I’m taking the cows. Why? Because our weather is a JagOff, that’s why!
Thing is, all of this technology works in the Atmosphere, and where is the weather? In the Atmosphere! So, the weather is up there jagging around the technology! This is why our meteorologists struggle with accurate weather prediction! Up there in the sky, weather is lying to the system, whispering in its ear, covering NEXRADs’ eyes with its hands! So when one of our local meteorologists appear to be wrong, it’s not them, it’s that no good, lyin’, cheatin’, Western Pennsylvanian Weather!
“How can I know which Ya Jagoff brand clothing and accessories to use this weekend?” you may ask. First, watch the local weather forecast, then, call your grandma and bring up her bunions, next, take a drive into the country and check the cows, and finally, call your old friend from high school and ask about his left knee. When you’re sure what the true weather forecast is, put on your ‘Don’t be a Jagoff’ hoodie, shake your fist at the sky and shout, “You can’t fool me, Ya Jagoff! ”
See the “Shout Out” video from our panel group at the Hawaii Social Media Summit