Pittsburgh Drivers

The Fort Pitt Bathtub Jagoffery

 

I was Jaggy-on-the-Spot for this one.

If you’ve been there, you know what we mean.  Traffic is lined up from the Fort Pitt Bridge approach all the way to the Oakland exit… what seems like 901 miles. EXCEPT for the right lane that heads to the North Side.  You can get in that lane and head to the west suburbs passing all of the UNFORTUNATOS headed up to the bridge.  UNTIL………………………………………………………………..someone goes down the right hand lane, all the way to the merge point and then puts their left turn signal on to nudge in…..BLOCKING THE ENTIRE RIGHT LANE FROM GETTING HOME!!!

WOW! The things ya see when you’re not driving your bulldozer!!!

If there was ever a need for one of those creepy, unshaven, talk-to-themselves, cigarette-filter-smoking dangerous-intersection flower salesman, it’s right here!!!  We could deputize him and have them write tickets every Monday thru Friday from 4pm-6pm and, there would be enough money to pay off the North Shore Connector in 2 years!

Hey “Red Solo Truck” driver (we think we used that one before but its  good one), first, nobody is supposed to drive a truck and have it THAT clean.  But wait, look at those sissy tires!  Who drives a truck with tires like that?  Did you borrow those from your wife’s 1978 VW Beetle???

I don’t care if you have a fructose-lactose-grease intolerance and you’re trying to rush home to a bathroom after eating your way thru the Peace, Love and Little Donuts, Klavon’s and Primanti’s in the Strip District, MOVE YOUR TRUCK!!  There’s more than one way to get home so take the open lane and get that zero-testosterone truck, out of my way Ya Jagoff!!!

Pittsburgh Traffic Woes and Backhoes!

Can anything be more of a patience test than sitting in Oakland traffic at rush hour?  You come off the Parkway ramp at 55 MPH (I wrote 55 just in case there are any State Troopers reading this) and you know that feeling of free-moving freedom is going to end right there on Forbes Avenue!

But this?  A backhoe, LITERALLY in the middle of traffic at 8:30am!!  Can he get that thing in gear easily? NO!  Can anyone try and negotiate around him?  NOPE!  Once I passed him, I noticed he had a “My OTHER Car Is A Triple-Trailer Semi” bumper sticker along with the obligatory Pittsburghers’ Outter Banks sticker.

Seriously, is there a ditch that needs to be dug by 10am somewhere?  Can you NOT find a time AFTER rush hour to drive on some of the most crowded rush hour streets?

This is “Traffic SPAM!!!!  At least the Russell Crowe movie people warn us about the “Traffic SPAM” they are gonna cause.

Hey, Mr. Backhoe Traffic SPAMMER, whaddaya say you start the morning slowly: go get yourself a doughnut and a coffee, talk about the Pens or Pirates or the new Steelers schedule with your dump truck buddy, pass around the newspaper in the Dunkin’ Donuts bathroom with the handheld sign-turner guy,  make your calls to the 811 DIG line and then have at it on the roads at about 9:30 AND, if there’s some kind of RUSH HOUR DITCH EMERGENCY, send in a “BACKHOE STRIKE TEAM” ahead of you – apprentices on motorcycles with fold-up Outter Banks beach shovels that can get the ditch started, YA JAGOFF!

 

 

Ahh… #@# it! I’ll just turn!

YJ-Turn

 

This pic exemplifies what this blog is all about… highlighting people, as my grandfather used to say, who think their ARSE doesn’t stink!  People that only think of themselves!  The photo was taken at a spot famous for this, the turn from the Liberty Bridge onto Forbes Avenue.

The tweet that came with this pic was:

The turning from the wrong lane #jagoff is one of the worst ways to jagoff in all of jagoffery

This move mainly works if you’re a young woman with a great smile…. you look at the car on the left that you’re about to crash into if they don’t see you coming, you smile, give that little “Oooopsie! I need to get over there but for some reason I happen to be all they way over here!” wave and BOOM.. you’re over.  But for everyone else? This becomes an “I don’t care what my insurance deductible is, I’ll take the side of your van off if you cut in front of me,” situation.

Hey Van Moron-in (that didn’t really work into a Van Morrison play as  well as I hoped that it would), is your “white van” appointment, where you will probably park along the curb with your four-way flashers on and block OTHER traffic four HOURS cause you’re in a “white van,”  that important?

For crissakes, just go straight and let the irritating GPS voice, repeat, “RECALCULATING, RECALCULATING, RECALCULATING, RECALCULATING” for a little bit while you figure this out!

I mean, it’s as simple as taking 5 extra minutes out of YOUR life and making a simple box…going one more block, turning left, then turning left, then turning left again  to get  to where you wanted to be WITHOUT jerking around all of the drivers behind you, Ya Jagoff!

Thanks to Luke B (Pens_andthe_Pen) for being today’s Honorary Jagoff Catcher.

Click below for details on this upcoming Pens Alumni event.

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