Pittsburgh Drivers

The Parking Lot “Scatter Drill”



You’ve been there… after a hockey game, after a Steelers game, Pitt Game, Pirates game and even after church!

ESPECIALLY church!!  All of those nice, sweet ol’ people that just said an hour of prayers… they get in their cars and become CRAZEEEEEEEEE Jagoffs as they try to beat each other to the last open table for post-church brunch at Eat n Park !

And after a big sports event.. everyone thinks they have the “special short cut” that allows them to get 2 cars FURTHER AHEAD than if they would have simply gotten in the line, like everyone else, as they pulled out of their parking spot.  Nope.. they have to zig-zag between cars and and make their OWN lanes!!!

Of course, sometimes there IS that driver that FORCES other drivers to make their own lane as they sit and sit and sit and sit….. while they let, what seems to be, the entire Steelers Fan Base in front of them because they are afraid to edge their car forward!

This ain’t Kennywood BUMPER CARS!  Some of you probably STILL don’t know how to back up… (HINT: it’s NOT by turning the steering wheel all the way to the RIGHT!)

Anyone ever heard of patience… taking your turn… or COURTESY, Ya Jagoffs??????

Thanks to @brookePGH from Twitter for being our Honorary Jagoff Catcher today!


Which Way We Going? Another Jagoff Driver!

Ya know when you are sitting in your car in multiple lanes of stand-still traffic and you start to daydream then the car next to you pulls forward and you PANIC thinking that your car is drifting backwards so you stomp on the break pedal?  Well, that’s KIND OF  what happened here.

We received this email the other day:

“I was driving on Route 22 heading towards Murrysville.  As I passed the on-ramp for the Turnpike on the other side of the road, a jagoff in a black minivan was backing up on 22 because
he missed the entrance!  As it is illegal to back up on any road regardless if you use the shoulder or not, he did it!  He also turned his van and took both lanes up.  He created a cluster @#$@#”

Seems that our man in the black mini-van missed at least 3 different signs pointing him to the Turnpike including one that’s ONLY about 4′ x 4′ with an extra arrow pointing to the on ramp that says TURNPIKE!

So because we give everyone a fair chance to defend themselves, we found Mr. Minivan and asked him directly WHY he was backing up the wrong way during rush hour causing a panic.  Was it because he was on the phone and yelling at the kids to turn the DVD player down while trying to hold his EZ PASS up to the windshield and at the same time trying to tune in DVE’s  Mike Prisuta’s “Steelers Report from Latrobe?”

Gosh no!  As it turns out, Mr. Minivan drives EVERYWHERE backwards.  He told us that driving backwards keeps him from racking up the mileage on he and the wife’s pleasure van so that, when they trade it in on an updated 1998 model, they can get more than Blue Book for it!

Hey Mr. Minivan, we suggest, driving backwards, ESPECIALLY during rush hour on busy roads, is somewhat of a hazard to your health AND your minivan’s Blue Book value.  In the meantime, we have requsted PENNDOT and the Turnpike Commission to install more signs that say, “Just In Case You Missed The Last 7 Signs For The Pennsylvania Turnpike and Don’t Have a Nagging Wife or Female GPS Voice To Tell You How To Drive, THIS IS YOUR EXIT, YA JAGOFF!”


The Fort Pitt Bathtub Jagoffery


I was Jaggy-on-the-Spot for this one.

If you’ve been there, you know what we mean.  Traffic is lined up from the Fort Pitt Bridge approach all the way to the Oakland exit… what seems like 901 miles. EXCEPT for the right lane that heads to the North Side.  You can get in that lane and head to the west suburbs passing all of the UNFORTUNATOS headed up to the bridge.  UNTIL………………………………………………………………..someone goes down the right hand lane, all the way to the merge point and then puts their left turn signal on to nudge in…..BLOCKING THE ENTIRE RIGHT LANE FROM GETTING HOME!!!

WOW! The things ya see when you’re not driving your bulldozer!!!

If there was ever a need for one of those creepy, unshaven, talk-to-themselves, cigarette-filter-smoking dangerous-intersection flower salesman, it’s right here!!!  We could deputize him and have them write tickets every Monday thru Friday from 4pm-6pm and, there would be enough money to pay off the North Shore Connector in 2 years!

Hey “Red Solo Truck” driver (we think we used that one before but its  good one), first, nobody is supposed to drive a truck and have it THAT clean.  But wait, look at those sissy tires!  Who drives a truck with tires like that?  Did you borrow those from your wife’s 1978 VW Beetle???

I don’t care if you have a fructose-lactose-grease intolerance and you’re trying to rush home to a bathroom after eating your way thru the Peace, Love and Little Donuts, Klavon’s and Primanti’s in the Strip District, MOVE YOUR TRUCK!!  There’s more than one way to get home so take the open lane and get that zero-testosterone truck, out of my way Ya Jagoff!!!