Ya know when you are sitting in your car in multiple lanes of stand-still traffic and you start to daydream then the car next to you pulls forward and you PANIC thinking that your car is drifting backwards so you stomp on the break pedal? Well, that’s KIND OF what happened here.
We received this email the other day:
“I was driving on Route 22 heading towards Murrysville. As I passed the on-ramp for the Turnpike on the other side of the road, a jagoff in a black minivan was backing up on 22 because
he missed the entrance! As it is illegal to back up on any road regardless if you use the shoulder or not, he did it! He also turned his van and took both lanes up. He created a cluster @#$@#”
Seems that our man in the black mini-van missed at least 3 different signs pointing him to the Turnpike including one that’s ONLY about 4′ x 4′ with an extra arrow pointing to the on ramp that says TURNPIKE!
So because we give everyone a fair chance to defend themselves, we found Mr. Minivan and asked him directly WHY he was backing up the wrong way during rush hour causing a panic. Was it because he was on the phone and yelling at the kids to turn the DVD player down while trying to hold his EZ PASS up to the windshield and at the same time trying to tune in DVE’s Mike Prisuta’s “Steelers Report from Latrobe?”
Gosh no! As it turns out, Mr. Minivan drives EVERYWHERE backwards. He told us that driving backwards keeps him from racking up the mileage on he and the wife’s pleasure van so that, when they trade it in on an updated 1998 model, they can get more than Blue Book for it!
Hey Mr. Minivan, we suggest, driving backwards, ESPECIALLY during rush hour on busy roads, is somewhat of a hazard to your health AND your minivan’s Blue Book value. In the meantime, we have requsted PENNDOT and the Turnpike Commission to install more signs that say, “Just In Case You Missed The Last 7 Signs For The Pennsylvania Turnpike and Don’t Have a Nagging Wife or Female GPS Voice To Tell You How To Drive, THIS IS YOUR EXIT, YA JAGOFF!”
I was Jaggy-on-the-Spot for this one.
If you’ve been there, you know what we mean. Traffic is lined up from the Fort Pitt Bridge approach all the way to the Oakland exit… what seems like 901 miles. EXCEPT for the right lane that heads to the North Side. You can get in that lane and head to the west suburbs passing all of the UNFORTUNATOS headed up to the bridge. UNTIL………………………………………………………………..someone goes down the right hand lane, all the way to the merge point and then puts their left turn signal on to nudge in…..BLOCKING THE ENTIRE RIGHT LANE FROM GETTING HOME!!!
WOW! The things ya see when you’re not driving your bulldozer!!!
If there was ever a need for one of those creepy, unshaven, talk-to-themselves, cigarette-filter-smoking dangerous-intersection flower salesman, it’s right here!!! We could deputize him and have them write tickets every Monday thru Friday from 4pm-6pm and, there would be enough money to pay off the North Shore Connector in 2 years!
Hey “Red Solo Truck” driver (we think we used that one before but its good one), first, nobody is supposed to drive a truck and have it THAT clean. But wait, look at those sissy tires! Who drives a truck with tires like that? Did you borrow those from your wife’s 1978 VW Beetle???
I don’t care if you have a fructose-lactose-grease intolerance and you’re trying to rush home to a bathroom after eating your way thru the Peace, Love and Little Donuts, Klavon’s and Primanti’s in the Strip District, MOVE YOUR TRUCK!! There’s more than one way to get home so take the open lane and get that zero-testosterone truck, out of my way Ya Jagoff!!!
Can anything be more of a patience test than sitting in Oakland traffic at rush hour? You come off the Parkway ramp at 55 MPH (I wrote 55 just in case there are any State Troopers reading this) and you know that feeling of free-moving freedom is going to end right there on Forbes Avenue!
But this? A backhoe, LITERALLY in the middle of traffic at 8:30am!! Can he get that thing in gear easily? NO! Can anyone try and negotiate around him? NOPE! Once I passed him, I noticed he had a “My OTHER Car Is A Triple-Trailer Semi” bumper sticker along with the obligatory Pittsburghers’ Outter Banks sticker.
Seriously, is there a ditch that needs to be dug by 10am somewhere? Can you NOT find a time AFTER rush hour to drive on some of the most crowded rush hour streets?
This is “Traffic SPAM!!!! At least the Russell Crowe movie people warn us about the “Traffic SPAM” they are gonna cause.
Hey, Mr. Backhoe Traffic SPAMMER, whaddaya say you start the morning slowly: go get yourself a doughnut and a coffee, talk about the Pens or Pirates or the new Steelers schedule with your dump truck buddy, pass around the newspaper in the Dunkin’ Donuts bathroom with the handheld sign-turner guy, make your calls to the 811 DIG line and then have at it on the roads at about 9:30 AND, if there’s some kind of RUSH HOUR DITCH EMERGENCY, send in a “BACKHOE STRIKE TEAM” ahead of you – apprentices on motorcycles with fold-up Outter Banks beach shovels that can get the ditch started, YA JAGOFF!