Driving Jagoffs

Swaggerin’ in a Mitsubishi ?

Mitsubishi vehicle photo impersonated cuz it’s Jaggoffery to drive and take photos on your phone.

Here’s a Jagoff email I received:

“This morning, on my way in to work, I approach a four-way stop sign near my house. I stop, as does the person to my left. Along comes “Mr. Jagoff” in his sporty little black Mitsubishi. He does not stop like the rest of us commoners- instead he rolls through the intersection, chatting on his cell phone and pretending we are invisible!  Mr Jagoff doesn’t believe that stop signs apply to him. He thinks his life is so much more important than the rest of ours. Thanks for putting me in a crappy mood first thing this morning, YA JAGOFF!”

Now THIS was the purpose of our website. Get it out…don’t harbor feelings, VENT!  Catch the Jagoffs!

Here’s what I say to the guy in the Less-than-$30,000-almost-a-sports-car-but-not-really Mitsubishi:

1)     If you’re gonna have a “greater than thou”  attitude, drive around in something that warrants and attitude AND I DON’T MEAN A CONVERTIBLE FIERO!!!

2)     Having an attitude in a Mitsubishi is like trying to swagger around the South Side’s Club Diesel in Wal-Mart jeans

3)     Your attitude in a Mitsubishi is as “yesterday” as taking a picture of yourself and your lady friend (you with your shirt buttoned down to your belly-button and your chest-hair toupee showing) then saying, “Hey, I can’t wait to THIS ROLL OF FILM DEVELOPED!

4)     It’s like trying to be cool by pronouncing Primanti’s as “Pri-MONTY’s!”

Soooo, Mr. Mitsubishi, before you go trying to be a “Big-swingin-meat-I-wear-Ralph-Lauren-fragrance-I’m-hipper-than-you-Yakin-on-the-cell-phone-Leaning-on-the-center-console-With-my-wrist-draped-over-the-steering-wheel-Don’t-need-to-obey-the-road-rules-OR-common-sense-OR-common-courtesy” Dude, get a RESPECTABLE swaggerin’ car, YA JAGOFF!

Thanks to RhondaG of N. Huntingdon for being our Honorary Jagoff Catcher!

The Fort Pitt Bathtub Jagoffery

 

I was Jaggy-on-the-Spot for this one.

If you’ve been there, you know what we mean.  Traffic is lined up from the Fort Pitt Bridge approach all the way to the Oakland exit… what seems like 901 miles. EXCEPT for the right lane that heads to the North Side.  You can get in that lane and head to the west suburbs passing all of the UNFORTUNATOS headed up to the bridge.  UNTIL………………………………………………………………..someone goes down the right hand lane, all the way to the merge point and then puts their left turn signal on to nudge in…..BLOCKING THE ENTIRE RIGHT LANE FROM GETTING HOME!!!

WOW! The things ya see when you’re not driving your bulldozer!!!

If there was ever a need for one of those creepy, unshaven, talk-to-themselves, cigarette-filter-smoking dangerous-intersection flower salesman, it’s right here!!!  We could deputize him and have them write tickets every Monday thru Friday from 4pm-6pm and, there would be enough money to pay off the North Shore Connector in 2 years!

Hey “Red Solo Truck” driver (we think we used that one before but its  good one), first, nobody is supposed to drive a truck and have it THAT clean.  But wait, look at those sissy tires!  Who drives a truck with tires like that?  Did you borrow those from your wife’s 1978 VW Beetle???

I don’t care if you have a fructose-lactose-grease intolerance and you’re trying to rush home to a bathroom after eating your way thru the Peace, Love and Little Donuts, Klavon’s and Primanti’s in the Strip District, MOVE YOUR TRUCK!!  There’s more than one way to get home so take the open lane and get that zero-testosterone truck, out of my way Ya Jagoff!!!

Ahh… #@# it! I’ll just turn!

YJ-Turn

 

This pic exemplifies what this blog is all about… highlighting people, as my grandfather used to say, who think their ARSE doesn’t stink!  People that only think of themselves!  The photo was taken at a spot famous for this, the turn from the Liberty Bridge onto Forbes Avenue.

The tweet that came with this pic was:

The turning from the wrong lane #jagoff is one of the worst ways to jagoff in all of jagoffery

This move mainly works if you’re a young woman with a great smile…. you look at the car on the left that you’re about to crash into if they don’t see you coming, you smile, give that little “Oooopsie! I need to get over there but for some reason I happen to be all they way over here!” wave and BOOM.. you’re over.  But for everyone else? This becomes an “I don’t care what my insurance deductible is, I’ll take the side of your van off if you cut in front of me,” situation.

Hey Van Moron-in (that didn’t really work into a Van Morrison play as  well as I hoped that it would), is your “white van” appointment, where you will probably park along the curb with your four-way flashers on and block OTHER traffic four HOURS cause you’re in a “white van,”  that important?

For crissakes, just go straight and let the irritating GPS voice, repeat, “RECALCULATING, RECALCULATING, RECALCULATING, RECALCULATING” for a little bit while you figure this out!

I mean, it’s as simple as taking 5 extra minutes out of YOUR life and making a simple box…going one more block, turning left, then turning left, then turning left again  to get  to where you wanted to be WITHOUT jerking around all of the drivers behind you, Ya Jagoff!

Thanks to Luke B (Pens_andthe_Pen) for being today’s Honorary Jagoff Catcher.

Click below for details on this upcoming Pens Alumni event.

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