Driving Jagoffs

The Fort Pitt Bathtub Jagoffery

 

I was Jaggy-on-the-Spot for this one.

If you’ve been there, you know what we mean.  Traffic is lined up from the Fort Pitt Bridge approach all the way to the Oakland exit… what seems like 901 miles. EXCEPT for the right lane that heads to the North Side.  You can get in that lane and head to the west suburbs passing all of the UNFORTUNATOS headed up to the bridge.  UNTIL………………………………………………………………..someone goes down the right hand lane, all the way to the merge point and then puts their left turn signal on to nudge in…..BLOCKING THE ENTIRE RIGHT LANE FROM GETTING HOME!!!

WOW! The things ya see when you’re not driving your bulldozer!!!

If there was ever a need for one of those creepy, unshaven, talk-to-themselves, cigarette-filter-smoking dangerous-intersection flower salesman, it’s right here!!!  We could deputize him and have them write tickets every Monday thru Friday from 4pm-6pm and, there would be enough money to pay off the North Shore Connector in 2 years!

Hey “Red Solo Truck” driver (we think we used that one before but its  good one), first, nobody is supposed to drive a truck and have it THAT clean.  But wait, look at those sissy tires!  Who drives a truck with tires like that?  Did you borrow those from your wife’s 1978 VW Beetle???

I don’t care if you have a fructose-lactose-grease intolerance and you’re trying to rush home to a bathroom after eating your way thru the Peace, Love and Little Donuts, Klavon’s and Primanti’s in the Strip District, MOVE YOUR TRUCK!!  There’s more than one way to get home so take the open lane and get that zero-testosterone truck, out of my way Ya Jagoff!!!

Ahh… #@# it! I’ll just turn!

YJ-Turn

 

This pic exemplifies what this blog is all about… highlighting people, as my grandfather used to say, who think their ARSE doesn’t stink!  People that only think of themselves!  The photo was taken at a spot famous for this, the turn from the Liberty Bridge onto Forbes Avenue.

The tweet that came with this pic was:

The turning from the wrong lane #jagoff is one of the worst ways to jagoff in all of jagoffery

This move mainly works if you’re a young woman with a great smile…. you look at the car on the left that you’re about to crash into if they don’t see you coming, you smile, give that little “Oooopsie! I need to get over there but for some reason I happen to be all they way over here!” wave and BOOM.. you’re over.  But for everyone else? This becomes an “I don’t care what my insurance deductible is, I’ll take the side of your van off if you cut in front of me,” situation.

Hey Van Moron-in (that didn’t really work into a Van Morrison play as  well as I hoped that it would), is your “white van” appointment, where you will probably park along the curb with your four-way flashers on and block OTHER traffic four HOURS cause you’re in a “white van,”  that important?

For crissakes, just go straight and let the irritating GPS voice, repeat, “RECALCULATING, RECALCULATING, RECALCULATING, RECALCULATING” for a little bit while you figure this out!

I mean, it’s as simple as taking 5 extra minutes out of YOUR life and making a simple box…going one more block, turning left, then turning left, then turning left again  to get  to where you wanted to be WITHOUT jerking around all of the drivers behind you, Ya Jagoff!

Thanks to Luke B (Pens_andthe_Pen) for being today’s Honorary Jagoff Catcher.

Click below for details on this upcoming Pens Alumni event.

PEMF_2014HockeyGrahic_84

 

 

 

Red Solo Truck – Peter Parker!

YJ-RedSoloTruck

Now a red solo truck is the best receptacle
For barbecues, tailgates, fairs and festivals
And you, sir, do not have a pair of testicles
If you prefer parking like a Jagoff!

A red solo truck can be cheap and disposable
And when parking like this can be made blog-composable
And unlike my home, it’s not foreclosable
Unless you prefer parking like a Jagoff!

Red solo truck, you cannot park!
Let’s try some parking, let’s try some parking!
I love you red solo truck, I lift wrote you up
Proceed to parking, proceed to parking.

Now I really love cuz you’re easy to make fun of
We call these Peter Parkers, which now you are one of
Cuz when ya park in lots like that
Well, that my friend, makes me quite lucky.

But I have to admit the ladies get smitten
Admiring how sharply my blog name is written
About you when the truck isn’t fittin’
into the parking lines, Ya Jagoff!!!

Everybody sing….

Red solo cup, I fill you up
Let’s have a party, let’s have a party
I love you red solo cup, I lift you up
Proceed to party, proceed to party

That song is now stuck in your head!!!! You’re welcome!!

 

Thanks to Mr. The Moon on Twitter for being our Honorary Jagoff Catcher today.
Adaptation of Red Solo Cup: Toby Keith – Red Solo Cup Lyrics | MetroLyrics