The Breakfast Toast Jagoff

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Some people eat Mini-Wheats, some eat bacon and eggs, some eat hoagies and some of us eat toast for breakfast.  And clearly someone else in my house eats toast too but forgets to clean their toast crumbs off of the butter.

Is this the same person that leaves tooth paste scum in the sink?

Is it the same person that leaves their dirty dishes in the sink which, by the way, is 18.5 inches away from the front of the dishwasher that opens rather easily?

Is this the same person that thinks the clothes dryer is their closet to live out of vs pulling the clothes out so that someone else can use the dryer?

All that I know is that, I eat my toast before I shower and shave and I HATE it when the butter looks like it has whiskers and needs a shave in the morning worse than I do, Ya Jagoffs!

A Jagoff Post To Cool You Off

 

So what do you think THIS guy’s excuse was for not cleaning off his window?

Didn’t have a snow brush?

Had too nice of a coat on to do that standard Pittsburgh Pull-your-long-sleeve-over-your-hand-cuz-you-don’t-have-any-gloves-or-brush window cleaning maneuver?

Thought that the hot pizzas in the back seat would generate enough heat to melt the snow off of the back window?

Doesn’t actually even realize that they HAVE a back window—-they only know how to drive in a forward direction?

They’re from Morgantown, WV and, before pulling out, forgot to light the back seat of the car on fire to defrost the back window?

Interestingly enough, this is probably ALSO “that guy” that forgets to turn their headlights on before heading down the road, is a, well…….

Hey Mr. Freeze, that Batman movie stopped filming here a loooooong time ago.  While we’re sure the rest of your hide-out is adorned with ice and ice-sculptures, we don’t think the Pittsburgh Police are gonna want to hear the alibi that your car is a prop OR that you REALLY ARE “Mr. Freeze.”

Hey Snowcap, you’re making me work even harder on my new invention….a thingy where you use a car’s set of drivers’ license plate numbers as their TEXT number then you can send them messages right to a windshield heads-up display, like “Clean your windows of, Ya Jagoff!”

 

 

Guest Blog Post… From Punxsutawney Phil

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Many people are coming down hard on Punxsutawney Phil for seeing his shadow and predicting 6 more weeks of winter.  But, it’s not really his fault and he reached out to this blog to express his thoughts.  He doesn’t type so he called the YaJagoff secret studio line and filed this report on our ground hog interpreting app.

Seriously… everyone makes fun of me.. but it’s not me.  Do any of you realize that I do this stuff for the food, the much-better-then-most-humans-get living conditions and the t-shirt royalties?

Um… I mean….everyone jokes about all of the bright lights and me seeing my shadow… seriously, come up with something new!

By the way, I don’t know how to write or type… and you believe I’m behind the message that the old-guy reads… which, by the way, is a piece of yellow tablet paper glued on to two tree twigs.  Your kid makes better crafts in kindergarten.

Then that guy grabs me underneath my belly and holds me up in the air in front of a bunch of drunks.  It’s like a scene out of Lion King re-produced by David Hasselhoff and Captain Morgan.  For the record, that guy’s hand squishes my stomach up into my throat and it causes me esophageal reflux problems.  For a month after Groundhog Day, I eat nothing but Tums.

And for the record, that old guy, he looks into my cage to grab me and, some people wonder why I don’t bite him, especially for waking me up so early.  The reason why I don’t bite him is because I have no interest in getting close.  His breath always smells like Luden’s Honey Liquorice throat lozenges and his hands smell like Ben Gay.

One other thing while I’m letting loose, Gus, the old PA Lottery sleazy bookie nearly ruined my life. He’s the guy that made the rest of us serious ground hog actors look bad.  He was schlock talent from the get-go and everyone knew it.

Blaming ME about the weather is like blaming Bill Murray about the weather!  For realz, if ya wanna know what the weather is gonna be, go download a weather app Ya Jagoffs!