Grid Lock/Lane Crossing Jagoff

 

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The orange-barrel-season brings out some traffic jagoffery.

As an aside, this blog post is history in that its our first Jagoff post from a Vine!!  Click here to watch and LISTEN to our Jagoff Catcher yelling at this Jagoff.

You’ve seen drivers like the guy above…. Sitting in traffic…he/she sees the same driver off-and-on  in the other lane next to them as the lanes alternatively stop and start. And then…..it happens….some driver realizes they are not seeing the same driver next to them!!

They wonder, are THEY getting ahead or is that OTHER lane moving faster??

And some drivers, once they realize  that the other lane is moving 4 or 5 car lengths faster, HAVE to dart over into the other lane ..like they might be missing out on some bizarre traffic-busting secret.

And there you have our man in the pic above, on I-376 (which, depending on your age you may recall as The Parkway East) doing what we just described.

“Oh!!!!  They’re getting ahead of me!!  I can get to where I’m going 9.8771 seconds faster if I move over THERE!!”

No you won’t!!  You’re just jacking everything up for the rest of us.

Not sure what your “angle” is here Mr. Mitsubishi but, first thing, if you wanna be a “tough guy” in traffic, we suggest a little tougher of a car model than a Mitsubishi…cuz that thing you’re driving there is only about two steps up from a Fiero!!!

Secondly, we have done some research on this type of driving behavior at our JAGS (Jagoff Activity Graduate Studies) Institute.

We found that MOST Pittsburgh drivers, that feel like they HAVE to constantly change lanes to get ahead in gridlock traffic, suffer from something called “High School Racer Lost-emia.”  Which is a mental disorder caused from always being on the losing side if the Kennywood Racer ride at every school picnic.. Especially if it happens in your Senior year.

We believe Mr. Mitsubishi, in the pic above, suffers from “High School Racer Lost-emia” compounded by the fact that he’s driving a sissy car. 

Mr. Mitsubishi, head directly to Kennywood for emergency therapy.

Ride the Racer for a minimum of 35 times in a row until you realize, the Racer thing is random just like the traffic movement. That, combined with the line-waiting time, will teach you patience and help you to realize that sitting at a 45-degree angle across gridlock traffic  is nothing but selfish, Ya Jagoff!!!

Thanks to Steffi for being our Honorary Jagoff Catcher!!

Look for us on Vine under @YaJagoff

Don’t Forget To Order Your T-shirt

Click the pic below to see the store.

Aaron Watches It For You – Iron Man

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Aaron Kleiber watches movies for you so that you can miss them and STILL talk cool at work and at weekend parties.

Click the video to play.

Follow Aaron on Facebook HERE and/or Twitter HERE

This rant sponsored by

A website created to spread the word about comedy in Pittsburgh and be a resource to performers in Pittsburgh.

Click the logo to get to the website.

Humane Officer SHOOTS (yep) 5 Kittens!

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Say what you want about people from Cleveland but, I am on their side here!  I just happen to be in Cleveland and, damned if I don’t find a Jagoff story here and its NOT a Browns fan!

And say what you want about cats – love ‘em or hate ‘em – they are still living creatures shooting them, in front of little kids, is Jagoffery.

See the entire story here but below are the bullet points:

Lady finds stray kittens in her yard that are full of fleas and making a mess.

Lady calls the Human Officers of North Ridgeville, Ohio (suburb of Cleveland) for help.

Humane Officer shows up. Says the kittens have to go to “Kitty Heaven” because shelters are full

Lady had figured that.

Humane Officer pulls out his gun and shoots the kittens while the lady that called and her KIDS see watch him do it 15 feet from their house!

WHAAAAT??????  Yep!!!

I STILL have Catholic-guilt-nightmares today from when I was a kid and took the lights off of lightning bugs to make rings on our fingers!!!  Cannot imagine what kind of dark soul this guy was to do this RIGHT THERE!!!  He couldn’t have put them in a box and handled this in a field????

Well, we think that this deserves a page from the book, “Revenge of the Cat” by Claude Balls (not an actual book but a REALLY funny name of an actual Facebook page with ONE “Like.”)  And since it’s not a real book yet, let’s start writing it:

Chapter 1:  The feline fiend is arrested

Chapter 2:  The feline fiend is de-clothed and sprayed with that stinky oil from 100 cans of tuna

Chapter 3:  He is then taped into a cardboard box –  exposing only his toe nails and finger nails

Chapter 4:  He is DE-CLAWED without sedation (Yep, we REALLY liked that movie, “Law Abiding Citizen”)

Chapter 5:  92 cats (92 for James Harrison type of intensity) get to repeatedly jab their claws into his cuticles and those recessed corners of his exposed nail beds – you know,  those little groves like where you get ingrown toe nails?

Chapter 6:  We call the police and have them haul your scratch-post-arse off to some open field.  (You see, because we are humans, WE would NOT actually just shoot you in front of your kids!)

Sure, it may sound like I am a highly trained, ruthless sado masochists expert from the Guantanamo Bay, but I’m not…..I’m  just someone that did 8 years of hard time in a Catholic School with nuns.  So, “HUMANE OFFICER,”  you better hope a starving vulture finds you before any of the rest of us do, YA JAGOFF!!

 

Contact Leslie Mehalek, of Nana Cat’s Soy Candles fame, to order a candle.  When you do, say (or write), “I’d like to buy a candle, YA JAGOFF!”

(Don’t worry, she will take it as a term of endearment!)