Beach Jagoffery – Already!

YJ-BeachFront

 

So ya sit down at the wide open beach, ready to relax and gaze at the view.  This is, of course, after you walked to this spot, maybe made a bunch of circles like like a dog does before he settles to make sure the spot is perfect, made sure it was a perfect view, put your stuff down, and maybe even swore at your towel or blanket a few times as you tried to get it to flatten in the wind.

Then, despite the fact that the beach is thousands of feet long, two people stroll along and stop right in front of you for THEIR gander at the horizon.

“Oh look at that out there.. hmmmm how nice!  Glad that we stopped here because the view probably isn’t nearly as good 6-feet further down the beach!”

Now, before I go any further, let me tell ya why this post is sooooooooooooo important.

A few months ago, I was hanging out in a Toledo area restaurant.  There were these two guys hanging out at the bar trying to pull off every stupid come-on line known to men (and used only by Jagoffs) on the female bartender.  For an hour, I tweeted all of the stuff these Willly Lowman’s were spewing under the hashtag, #TwoObnoxiousGuysABar.  When I was done, I let the bartender know that I had been tweeting.  The next day I wrote a blog post about what happened.   She became a twitter follower and, this weekend, she became an Honorary Jagoff Catcher!  She took this beach photo.

Jagoff catching is spreading all over.  Welcome aboard Toledo!

So back to the to two Beach “Bums”… LITERALLY…. in the picture, can you not find some other place to stand other that directly in the line of view?  Yeah, go ahead, put your hand up to your forehead! It’s pretty damned nice out there! And far too.  And, guess what, the people behind you would like to experience that damned nice view too as opposed to your ARSES and the backs of your Izod shirts, Ya Jagoffs!

 

Special thanks to @apelofyoureye in the Toledo area for being our Honorary Jagoff Catcher!

The Rush Hour “Curb Parkers”

Just in case you don’t know, this is downtown Pittsburgh during rush hour.  The lane where the cars are parked is SUPPOSED to be used to help everyone ESCAPE from work at the end of the day.

Given that Mayor Peduto is thinking “outside the box on other situations,” I’m thinking a very creative solution for this issue.  If you’ve been to the Kennywood, you know that between stops for Potato Patch Cheesey Fries and a Corn Dog, is the Raging Rapid ride, and you’re gonna love this!

I say make a downtown amusement ride out of this situation.

SOLUTION:

Allow people to rent junky cars that, during rush hour, would be allowed to purposely bounce into the cars that are illegally parked in the curb lane… just like the Raging Rapid boats.  Then, when the parked drivers get out of their car to yell and make a fuss about being hit, there are people who’ve paid to be up on that yellow bridge with water balloons and water guns, no wait, WATER CANNONS,  that soak the HELL out of these illegally parked drivers!  Who WOULDN’T pay to do that!

Hey, Curbies, we realize that you probably have VIPs-to-pick-up-that-can’t-walk-to-the-next-corner-Or-that-can’t-get-their-hair-wet-Or-have-empty-bowls-from-the-Friday-LETSGOPENS-office-party-Or-have-leftover-birthday-cake-in-a-flimsy-box THEREFORE making you believe that you are special and SHOULD be permitted to sit in this lane, cuz you have your flashers on, BUT…….

The rest of the people want to get home, so find a new pick-up spot, Ya Jagoffs!!!!

The Fort Pitt Bathtub Jagoffery

 

I was Jaggy-on-the-Spot for this one.

If you’ve been there, you know what we mean.  Traffic is lined up from the Fort Pitt Bridge approach all the way to the Oakland exit… what seems like 901 miles. EXCEPT for the right lane that heads to the North Side.  You can get in that lane and head to the west suburbs passing all of the UNFORTUNATOS headed up to the bridge.  UNTIL………………………………………………………………..someone goes down the right hand lane, all the way to the merge point and then puts their left turn signal on to nudge in…..BLOCKING THE ENTIRE RIGHT LANE FROM GETTING HOME!!!

WOW! The things ya see when you’re not driving your bulldozer!!!

If there was ever a need for one of those creepy, unshaven, talk-to-themselves, cigarette-filter-smoking dangerous-intersection flower salesman, it’s right here!!!  We could deputize him and have them write tickets every Monday thru Friday from 4pm-6pm and, there would be enough money to pay off the North Shore Connector in 2 years!

Hey “Red Solo Truck” driver (we think we used that one before but its  good one), first, nobody is supposed to drive a truck and have it THAT clean.  But wait, look at those sissy tires!  Who drives a truck with tires like that?  Did you borrow those from your wife’s 1978 VW Beetle???

I don’t care if you have a fructose-lactose-grease intolerance and you’re trying to rush home to a bathroom after eating your way thru the Peace, Love and Little Donuts, Klavon’s and Primanti’s in the Strip District, MOVE YOUR TRUCK!!  There’s more than one way to get home so take the open lane and get that zero-testosterone truck, out of my way Ya Jagoff!!!