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Apr 25 2013

Self Check-Out Jagoffs

Everyone knows about the ignorance of taking “more than 14 items” through the 12-items-or-less lane, right?  (We usually give slack  for 2 small items.)  I actually had a guy once with two baskets full of stuff, who got told by another shopper that he wasn”t supposed to be in that line and responded with, “Hey, if this place would put more cashiers on, I wouldn’t HAVE to be in this line.“  Oh, so because the grocery store’s an under-staffed Jagoff, its perfect justification for YOU to be an All-about-ME Jagoff!

I call them BOTH Jagoffs in my brain but smile because I can do this myself.  I’ll check my 5 items out in the do-it-yourself checkout line! (Hi, Ho! Hi, Ho, it’s off to the self checkout line I go.)

And WHAT do I find?  A woman and 2 kids with a grocery cart, piled to a rounded-top – mom is letting the two kids try the scanner!!!!!!  Oh wait, do they know how to share? NO!  Mom has to keep telling them to TAKE TURNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Hey mom, TAKE CHARGE!!!)

I am not one for new laws but I propose this one, the “If-you-are-by-yourself-and-you-have-so-many-items-that-you-have-to-stop-scanning-to-bag-some-of-your-stuff-in-order-to-keep-scanning-Or -you-have-no-idea-how-to-locate-a-bar-code-Or-you-have-never-used-an-ATM-card-Or-you-only-have $800 cash-in-dollar-bills-and-quarters-Or-you-have-enough-groceries-to-feed-3-teenage-boys-for-9-days-Or-if-you-are-so-young-that-you-are-trying-to-scan-your-Eagles-Nest-coloring-page-Then-stay-away-from-the-self-check-out-lane” Law.

All of these people need to be more considerate of others and, hey mom, how about not just standing at the end of the checkout lane bagging the 2 items per minute that are coming down from your kids, how about being a mother and TAKING CHARGE instead of making the rest of us suffer the pain of your Giant Eagle a Home Economics Field Trip. Orrrrrrr go buy one of those Fischer Price scanners for home,  YA JAGOFF!!!

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Apr 24 2013

Yakkin’ With Ya Jagoff – The Pittsburgh Puffins Hockey Team

Welcome to our weekly “Yakkin’ With Ya Jagoff!” segment.

We’re yakkin’ with Sara and Melanie of the Pittsburgh Puffins Women’s Ice Hockey Team

Women’s ice hockey in Pittsburgh?  Since when?

What’s the dumbest question they have ever been asked?

I ask THE dumbest question.. watch their reaction.

Things don’t go well shortly after that……

Sign up to play or just go see a game.  Click the team photo for info.


THANKS TO:

For the production!

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Apr 23 2013

South Hills Village Mall “Joker” Jagoff

This story comes from the “What in THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE hell was he thinking” file!

71-year-old Frank Zahler ALLEGEDLY walked into the South Hills Village Mall carrying a heavy briefcase and a gym bag.  So far so good!  But his visit to the mall goes to hell-in-a-handbasket when Frankie chooses to joke around about the fact that he has bomb stuff in his briefcase, just like the stuff in Boston.  See….you just said it to YOURSELF… ”What in THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE hell ?”

Yep!  He did that!!!    KDKA-TV Story Here

And when interviewed by the news people he says, “It’s crazy. I didn’t have anything. I was making a joke with the kid. These kids are whacky man, you know. What can you do with them? That’s America today. In my day, we would have laughed it off..”

OK.. maybe your day things WERE different.. but Frankie, Frankie, FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFrankeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…. do you read ANY newspapers?  Watch any  news on TV?  Listen to the AM channel of your transistor pocket radio or have you overheard any conversations from your fellow mall-walkers having coffee in the food court?

Sure in your day it was fun to Super Glue a quarter to the side walk and watch people try to pick it up. Quarters are almost irrelevant at this point.  And back then it was fun to take the apple pie off of the neighbor’s window sill and eat it out by the picket fence.  Now we have McDonald’s Apple Pies.  Back then, it was also fun to pull a kid’s underwear up their back, giving them a wedgie and embarrassing them by letting everyone see their underwear hanging out… NOW they let their underwear hang out on purpose…NOTHING’S THE SAME!!

But I’m PRIT-TEEE sure that joking about having a bomb was NEVER laughed off.

Frankie… good luck in the the County Jail buddy.  One thing to NOT joke about there is your expert-level experience at packing fudge for the Sarris Candy plant!!!!!!!!

And here’s another tip, if you ever board an airplane and see one of your morning-McDonald’s-bottomless-coffee-drinking-buddies, named JACK, sitting in the back of the plane, it will not be funny to say, “HI JACK,” Ya Jagoff!!!!!

 

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Apr 22 2013

Underage Drinkers Do Drive-By Carcass Toss

So not quite Pittsburgh, BUT, this story, out of Brookville, PA, has made embarrassing national headlines and, therefore, makes it to HERE!

Here are the details:

Some under aged drinkers were refused service at Bill’s Bar in Brookville.

They chose to NOT go about there merry way.

They decided to do a drive-by groundhog carcass toss.. throwing the dead rodent into the bar and then driving off.

It didn’t stop there.  Four hours later, they chose to do a SECOND drive-by carcass toss.. the second time throwing a dead grouse into the bar and then driving off.

See the WTAE story HERE.

WOW!!  Lotsa things to pull THESE guys to the front of the Jagoff pack!

1) Given the size of the Brookville metropolis, (less than 4,000), how likely was it going to be that someone recognized these guys or the truck involved?

2) They eventually did go to another bar, drank illegally, and then DROVE a couple of times to the first bar to harass them.

2) Instead of walking away with their heads down and going to get a Yoo-hoo after the bartender NOT turning them in for trying to commit a single crime, they went ahead and drank underage, drove, harassed the first bar and are being investigated by the Game Commission too!!!

Hey, when did the protocol of finding the town drunk, getting HIM to purchase your alcohol for you, trading him one of your beers as payment for his services, so that you could then go to the local playground and UNDER-AGEDLY drink, get lost?  These guys think they deserve a spot at a bar!!!

Boys, your decision making is lacking but we DO think you might have a chance at leveraging this into your very own restaurant once you’re done with your jail time or community service.  We suggest you open the “Brookville Road Kill Cafeterium.”  Your menu could include:

Entrees.

** Center Line Bovine **
Tastes Real Good, Straight From The Hood ............ $ 5.99
( with cheese, add .50 )

** The Chicken That Didn't Cross The Road **
What A Dumb Cluck ................................... $ 3.49
( includes soup and salad )

** Flat Cat **
( served as a single or in a stack )
Single Flat Cat ..................................... $ 1.99
Double Flat Cat ..................................... $ 2.79
Flat Cat Stack ...................................... $ 4.99
Flat Cat Family Pack (with kittens).................. $ 9.00

And just to stay with your Bonny and Clyde or Clyde, Clyde and Clyde, criminal theme, your slogan could be “Eating Food Is More Fun When You Know It Was Hit AND TOSSED On The Run,” Ya Jagoffs!!



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				Apr
				20
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Quotes On The Bus

				 
			
		    
		
					


Every Saturday this spot is dedicated to things overheard on one of the Port Authority buses of Allegheny County.  Thanks to the AWESOME Michael Nac, creator of QUOTES ON THE BUS for his posts each week!


“I got $10 to buy me a pack of smokes and a Mickey’s 40. You ain’t getting my fare today. I’m a roofer!” Rider to driver, Blue Line


Follow Quotes on the Bus on Facebook HERE and/or Twitter HERE


If you want to contribute your own quote overheard on a bus, send to michaelcnac@gmail.com



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