Hotel Design Jags

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Follow me on this.

There is about 8.5 feet between the head of this bed, where I try to lay down and sleep and the toilet where… well, ya know.

And the cool part?  The exhaust fan is connected to the bathroom light meaning, if the fan stays on, the light stays on.  On top of that, if you happen to close the bathroom door, with the bathroom fan/light on and the hotel room lights off, it looks like a poltergeist is trying to eek itself out.  And let me tell ya, the poltergeist smells like it’s been dead for 4,501 years.

Who thought this design through?  Architects with Insomnia or Anosmia  (the inability to perceive odor or a lack of functioning olfaction)?

If you happen to have an evening/before bed routine, this is NOT the hotel for you cuz its kind of like an adaptation of the old Confucius joke, “Man who fart in church sit in own pew!”  In this case, “hotel guest who eats late night mexican, sleeps with head in cloud of pew!”

I’m thinking this was college buddies who developed this hotel room design… those same buddies that do their best to have the worst smelling gas around their friends.  And, if you’re in a car with them, they turn the heater up and lock the electric windows!

Hey Residence Inn, can we please get a non-poltergeist-scary-light exhaust fan design, or are we just gonna stay up all night and play a game of “who ate it,” Ya Jagoffs?

 

 

For the 1,827,021th time, The Airport Rules!

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Yesterday, WTAE ran a report about the stuff that has been collected from travelers’ carry-on bags at the Pittsburgh Airport security check-point.

Above are some samples including some kind Cyril Wecht bone-cutting autopsy knife, credit card knives and skull-shaped brass knuckles.  The excuse most people give, according to the report by Bob Mayo is, “I forgot it was in there.”  How in theeeeeeee hell do you for get you have some kind Cyril Wecht bone-cutting autopsy knife in with your make-up or undies?

But then again, this leads to one of my biggest pet peeves of airport traveling.  People who know they are going to an airport where the security routine, which has been in place for greater than 10 years, requires you to remove your belt, everything out of our pockets aaaaaaaaaand, say it with me, YOUR SHOES!

AUTHOR’S NOTE:  Always glad when it is winter and most of the old people have socks on covering their frito-length and colored toenails and bunions.

Despite these rules being in place for more than 10 years, people still wear layers of clothing, fashion belts and bracelets and fashion shoes that have laces that tie almost up to their Adam’s Apple.  So they take 10 minutes to undress in line and, some, no matter how many times they are told “place laptop in a separate bin,” put their shoes on top of their computer in the scanning bin.

What part of knowing that you have to remove all of this stuff in front of a line of people and security agents did ya forget when you were taking your pre-travel fashion selfie in the full-lengthy “I love myself” mirror at home?

Perhaps we need to recommend standard issue traveling clothing…like prisons.  THAT would certainly speed up the security lines.  If you’re going someplace warm, you get gym shorts, t-shirt and sandals (the bunion. knuckle-toed and frit0-toenail people would be required to have their feet covered.)  If you’re going someplace cold, you get a standard issue Carhartt jackets.

Seriously what part of You-can’t-bring-knives-guns-or-other-weapons-or-things-LIKE-weapons-and-ya-have-to-strip-to-half-naked-so-don’t-wear-complicated-clothing-to-the-airport-security-line do you NOT understand?

Traveling tip: If ya wanna dress like a fashion plate, pack all of your bracelets, belts and snappy, impractical traveling clothes in your carry-on bag then go put it on in the restroom AFTER you go through security.  You know, like you did in high school when you would dress a certain way on a weekend night to get by your parents and  then AFTER you’re outta the house, you put on your “Hey look how HAWT I am please pick me up” clothing, Ya Jagoffs!

 

The Slower and Speeder-upper Driver

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You know you’re in trouble when you’re on a road with 1 car in front of you and dozens of them behind you (and there aren’t funeral flags on anyone’s vehicle).  It’s pretty obvious who the bottle-neck is!

And then sometimes, you get that person who speeds up to the green light, then hits their brakes to scan the territory then goes through the intersection.  All the while, you’re wearing brake pads faster than a student driver in rush-hour traffic on Route 51.

We got the following email submission and the above pic about a driver on Christmas Day of all times:

Was following along behind this jagoff several miles…..guy was doing 35 in a 50 and refused to go any faster…..long stream of cars behind me…..I was following at a respectable distance…then the speed limit changed to 35…he dropped to 20 then would speed to 35 then to 20…..brake checking me several times….(or at least trying to…again, I wasn’t that close where it would matter) .

Then while going over some train tracks he abruptly jammed on his brakes, stopping me in the middle of the train tracks. All I can figure is he felt I was following too close? When I tried to go left around him he gassed it and blocked the way, then sped off to the right after I stopped. And on Christmas day yet. What a jagoff.

Yes… exactly the place to play “Cat and Mouse,” on the roads with a 4,000 lb vehicle.  Thankfully they don’t build REAL cars like the Kennywood Bumper Cars… where, if ya turn the wheel all the way to one side, it goes backwards and bashes the car behind ya.  This guy might have tried to use that function in some kind of My-girlfriend-who-I-just-spent-eighty-dollars-on-to-win-an-oversized-stuffed-animal-that-we-now-hate-carrying-around-the-park-is-in-this-car-next-to-me-so-I’m-gonna-play-tough-guy-driver move.

Merry Christmas! Santa was watching.  Hope your car is coal powered, Ya Jagoff!

 

Thanks to Dave for submitting the pic and the story on the website.

If you have a pic to submit, click HERE.

Don’t for get to check out our book of Jagoff stories on Amazon.com

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