Bad Day at the Big Bird


Starting Today.. Every Saturday we will have a new feature.  

“What Aggravates Me!” by Comedian John Knight


Wednesday afternoon I stopped by my local Giant Eagle to pick up a few items that we needed for dinner. It was a routine I had done hundreds of times before so I really wasn’t expecting anything unusual. Since I only needed a few things I picked up a shopping basket and began to make my rounds.

Once I had what I needed I headed over to the checkout area. Since I only had a few things I went to the fifteen items or less self-checkout lane. It was the shortest line, probably because most people are either too lazy or too stupid and unable to navigate self-checkout. That’s when things began to feel different. There was something ominous that I couldn’t quite figure out.

Everything was normal as I began. I received the instructions from the machine, “Scan your Giant Eagle Card to get started.” I did as I was told.
“Your Giant Eagle Card has been accepted.” It was when I scanned my first item that all hell broke loose. I had no sooner run my item over the scanner when the machine barked out an order. “PLACE YOUR ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA!”

I had been given these instructions before but always in a gentle polite voice. I think it even said please. I don’t remember if it did say please but at this moment I’m thinking it did. All I know is the machine never spoke to me this way before. This was an outright command.
I began to think maybe I heard it wrong as I scanned my second item. Then once again, “PLACE YOUR ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA!”

My wife doesn’t speak to me like that when I piss her off. This was ridiculous.

Could it be this machine was broken? Maybe something went haywire in the voice prompt mechanism. I didn’t think it was intentional. It couldn’t be, could it? I have enough problems without being yelled at by a machine.

That’s when I heard the small child scream in terror at the checkout station across from me. I looked over and saw an elderly women in the corner, shaking uncontrollably as she wept. Out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of the man at the machine behind me.

He had a shaved head, bushy beard and was heavily tattooed and was having none of it as the machine barked out its orders, “PLACE YOUR ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA!”

He was just laughing as he waved his package of Oscar Mayer Bologna over the bag.  “PLACE YOUR ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA!”

He just kept laughing and waving his bologna. I was enjoying watching him and then it happened. “THIS IS THE LAST TIME I’M TELLING YOU DAMMIT!”

I saw all the blood rush from his face as he humbly lowered his package into the bag. It was a sad sight. This once proud man who had been dangling his baloney in defiance only moments ago, was now just a quivering bundle of nerves.

Walking out of the store I wondered what I had just witnessed. Were the machines out of whack or was this some corporate decision to better train us how to handle our groceries? The thing is, once you’ve scanned the item it’s on your bill, you’re paying for it. Who gives a damn what you do with it? If you want to shove your bologna down the front of your pants you should have that right. You own it after all.

As I drove away I thought about how far technology had evolved during my lifetime and not always for the better. That’s when I made the decision to stop using self-checkout for now on. This way I can be treated rudely by a human and not a machine.

Follow John on Twitter @jknight841

Order his book by clicking the icon below.JohnKnight

That Guy With the “Big Head” at the Bar


So everyone’s watching the Pirates now.  And, the more people that watch the games on TV, the more opportunities for Bucco-Watching-Jagoffery.

Here’s the tweet that came with this pic:

Guy with biggest head in bar decides to block the pitcher and home plate with it from the rest of us watching the Buccos..

Oh.. he’s like the people that have puss their way through a crowd to stand in the “front row” of the fireworks display…. their up in air for gawd sake!!!

Hey… Max-No-Head-Room (only the old folks will get that reference), didn’t your father ever tell ya, “You can tell your dad wasn’t a window maker!”  Or, even better, “You make a better door than a window! Down in front, YaJagoff!!!!!”

Thanks much to Bill Sclabassi‎ for being our Honorary Jagoff Catcher today!


By the way, check out the website Tailgate Did an interview with John, “The Grill Sargeant,” talking about the book and tailgate jagoffery! Click the pic.


A “Vibrating” Bank Robber?


If you’re new here, we post stories of Pittsburghers that are embarrassing the rest of us.  This is that.

Below are portions of the article about this story on the NBC website along with my commentary.

Aaron Stein, 35, faces a preliminary hearing June 25 in Allegheny County Magisterial District Court on nine felony counts including aggravated assault, robbery, threatening to use a weapon of mass destruction and the unusual charge of possessing a facsimile weapon of mass destruction, according to court documents.

None of these has a penalty more severe than the ASS-beating he’s gonna get for taking his wife/girlfriend’s vibrator. And think of how cranky she’s gonna be if she used that thing for stress relief.

A bomb squad blew up a briefcase and other suspicious items in a Pittsburgh man’s car Monday after he robbed a bank, police said.

With a sex toy. Specifically, a vibrator.

Word has it he hesitated on the bank robbery 3 times before he executed it.  He kept thinking his phone was vibrating every time he started the process and stopped to see who was texting him.

The robber drove off in a white Toyota, which was pulled over on a ramp to northbound Interstate 79 by Robinson Township police, Sumpter said.

Officers found money in a garbage bag, and beneath the front passenger seat, they found the device Stein is accused of having used in the bank robbery — “a makeshift box he made out of a box, black tape, vibrator and cellphone,” Sumpter said.

See… he easily could have been confused on what was vibrating.. he had the cellphone in with the vibrator.  Also, he had the vibrator in a “makeshift box.” (Insert you’re favorite sheepish grin and “That’s what she said” comment here)

A bomb squad dog checked the device and a briefcase that officers found in the car. Both were detonated as a precaution, police said.

They blew up the vibrator?  Oh Aaron….I’m sure you recall what it was like growing up when you took our mother’s good skillet or pan out to the sandbox and your buddy Phil broke it. You might wanna ask for jail time so that you don’t have to face your significant other who’s vibrator is now blown to smithereens and NOT because she was gettin’ all freaky by trying to hook it up to a car battery, Ya Jagoff!