Jake Arrieta Tweet


So for those of you not familiar with the nuances of Twitter, let me explain what you’re seeing on the Jagoffestrator.

Yesterday, a Pirate Parrot Parody Twitter account tweeted a message to be ready for Wednesday’s black out.  In the 140 characters of the twitter message, they tagged Chicago Cubs pitching ace, Jake Arrieta.  For those unfamiliar with Twitter.. well.. that means he would be notified of the message by his Twitter account.

The Cubs’ ass.. I mean ACE pitcher then tweeted back what you see above.

Bulletin board material?  Who needs it?  Bucs will have Gerrit Cole pitching.

Jake, welcome to  the “Tom Brady/Ryan Braun” section of Pirates’ fans brains.  If we lose, we lose with class.  If you lose, well…we know where ya are with class.  On my end, hoping for a Pirates’ win…not just so we can move along to St. Louis without stopping in Chicago but, so that we can enjoy generating Jake Memes for the next week about what pitchers HOPES are during the winter, YaJagoff!

By the way, here are the rules of engagement for Pittsburgh Pirates fans for the next 3 days of Buctober:

1)Don’t you DARE wash that outfit that you had on for the Reds game yesterday

2)Cancel your plans for Wednesday night unless they involve attending the Pirates/Cubs game

3)Plan on running to the Strip District during your lunch-hour on Monday for black and gold thingies, and then on Tuesday for even  MORE black and gold thingies.

4)We suggest black and gold thingies so that they can be used for Steelers and Penguins parties too (You don’t want to be “that guy” that wears a Pirates jersey to a Pens game!)

5)Plan for a Black-n-Gold Eat-in at work on Wednesday.  Everyone bring your lucky crockpot full of your best party food.  (This will be great because it will feel like a Friday)

6)Wednesday at work, plan on getting nothing done!

7)Wednesday is a “Blackout” so …wear black.. Not grey, not white so that you can see yourself on TV, not gold or yellow…BLACK


Buc Naked

Welcome to our regular Saturday feature “What Aggravates Me” by Comedian John Knight

Here we are, the first weekend of October and for the third straight year in Pittsburgh we will have meaningful baseball. For twenty years most of us forgot about the Pirates around May, so this is significant.

A lot of people, myself included, feel this team can go deep into the playoffs and possibly the World Series. There’s just one thing standing in the way. A guy by the name of Jake Arrieta. This is who will start for the Cubs in a one game playoff against the Pirates on Wednesday. He’s been on quite a roll these past few months.

There was an old baseball movie I remember watching with my father when I was a kid. It was about a scientist, who invents a substance that repels wood. He ended up rubbing it on baseballs and became a major league pitcher. Nobody could hit him because the ball moved away from the wooden bats. That’s what this Arrieta guy reminds me of right now.

We can’t take the chance of the Pirates figuring out a way to somehow beat him. No, we have to rig the system somehow. It’s going to be up to us, the fans, to make this happen. Now, we could try the typical white-out or black-out. You know, where we all wear the same color shirts and make a lot of noise and try to get under his skin. That’s not going to do it. We need to resort to more drastic measures. We need to get naked.

Here’s the way it works. Keep fully clothed when the Pirates are in the field. Also, people in the outfield, keep your clothes on at all times. We don’t want to distract the Pirates batters. Yeah, I know its October and it will probably be chilly at night. All the better ladies… not so much for you guys. Imagine when Arrieta comes out to pitch and looks at a sea of naked people. It’s got to throw him.

Now, I figure when he comes out for the second inning it won’t bother him as much. Pretty much, been there, seen that. That’s why we will start bending and stretching. This will be useful for both warmth and distraction.

Inning three is when we bounce and shake. The great Bob Prince, who was an announcer for the Pirates for many years, came up with the “Green Weenie.” It was exactly that. A plastic thing shaped like a green weenie. The crowd would shake them at the other team to hex them. Guys, on this chilly October evening, we will be shaking the “Blue Weenies.” That’ll show Arrieta.

Please note, if you’re seated next to somebody with a green weenie, avoid contact at all costs.

Inning four, everybody keep your clothes on. The strategy here is, we let him think we gave up. He’ll begin to settle down and fall right into our trap. In the fifth inning we go in a new direction. I like to call this, “moon rivers.”

If it looks like he plans to come out for the sixth, we get him with the Pierogi races. I have a couple of new characters to introduce. Wait till Arrieta gets a load of “Pulled Pork Paul” and “Jack Cheese Jimmy.”

Let’s say he has the nerve to take the mound for the seventh. It’s time to stop being soft with this guy. We have to show him what we do here in Pittsburgh. This is the inning when we “Raise the Jolly Rogers!” Let’s show them what we’re made of. Remember this game is nationally televised. Those men sailing at half mast, we appreciate the effort. Just remember, you’re not playing. Nobody will be testing you for performance enhancing drugs.

There’s no way he recovers from this scene. I can see Joe Maddon holding him in his arms as he cries ‘like a baby. He’ll probably never be able to throw another strike and questioning his own sexuality. He’ll be out of baseball within a year and probably turn to a life of drugs and alcohol. All thanks to us.

So there you have it. The perfect way to knock Arrieta and the Cubs out of the playoffs. Oh, by the way. If the Pirates somehow choke this weekend and the game ends up in Chicago. Keep your clothes on and the remote handy.


Follow John on Twitter @jknight841

Order his book by clicking the icon below.




So, Why NOT Impersonate a Police Officer?


In the picture above is Justin #1 (burgundy shirt) and Justin #2, police officer holding on to Justin #1.

As it turns out, Justin #1 ALLEGEDLY got on line and met with a woman saying he was a police officer…and not just ANY police officer.  He said he was police officer, i.e, #Justin #2.  All of this took place in the tiny little town of Mount Pleasant Borough.. total population.. um… some number small enough that pretty much everyone knows everyone else.  Ya know, a perfect place to impersonate someone from the same town (allegedly).

See story on WTAE website.

At press time, our SJIU (Special Jagoff Investigative Unit) had not confirmed if the suspect was in possession of one of those big rolls of sticker “Junior Police Officer” badges at the time of his arrest.

When police officer Justin (#2 in our story) started getting texts from said female about their romantic encounters, he thought that to be a little odd and a little disturbing.  That’s when it all came to a head and now Justin #1 is being charged with impersonating a police officer and bunches of other stuff.  The cool part is, on the WTAE video,  when asked by the reporter Beau Berman about what’s going on, #Justin #1 says “I’m just trying to figure out why I’m here.

C’mon #Justin #1… don’t you watch the TV?  The standard trendy response that would make sense would be “I will be vindicated once ALL of the information comes out.”  That’s like in the free defense tips 101 handbook for crissakes!

Well, looks like ya got some time to think about what your Halloween costume is going to be this year.  Think you’ll go as a cop… or maybe even a slutty cop?

Dude…just guarantee us that, with that physique, you don’t go as the Village People cop!  I mean, I’m no Ken Doll with my physique BUT, you half naked in a Village People cop outfit would be even a more heinous crime…especially if someone would have had to review the pictures.  Seems, with that physique, you COULD impersonate a male stripper though.. TRAGIC MIKE!

Good luck impersonating a prisoner, Ya Jagoff!