I Don’t Need No Stinking Headlights 


What’s that Sesame Street song? “One of these things is not like the other. One of these things just doesn’t belong!” One car operating in Black Ops mode.

Just kinda cruising down the Turnpike in the rain at dusk. Not a care in the world. “Hey, I don’t need headlights!  I can see just fine…as I drive a charcoal-colored car on a black road as it gets dark.”

Maybe the driver was punished severely as a kid for living lights on all of the time and has some fear that their dad is gonna jump up from the back seat and smack the back of his head?

Hey …it’s not only about what YOU see…it’s also about who sees YOU.  Pay attention to driving or take a hint from all of the other cars around ya and turn your headlights on YaJagoff!

What Cable Plan?


Every Saturday we will have a new feature.  

“What Aggravates Me!” by Comedian John Knight

If you have cable you know that when your current plan expires and you don’t do anything about it, you get screwed. I’ve had my bill increase by over one hundred dollars because, well that’s what they do.

Trying to be pro-active, I called at the earliest date possible to get a new plan. Of course nobody answers right away these days. It’s easier for them to make you punch in numbers according to the voice prompts for half an hour until you can actually speak to a human. I think the goal here is to annoy you in the hopes that you give up and stop bothering them.

As soon as I heard the voice on the other end I knew things were not going to get better. Let me just say that, as a child it would have been very expensive to make a call to India. Yet, now I do it anytime I need customer assistance, toll free.

So I explained my situation to Kevin. That’s what he said his name was, you know how it works. They give a fake name to give the illusion you are talking to somebody in the United States. Yeah, somebody with a horrible Indian accent.

It took a long time because I made him repeat himself and speak slowly so I could understand what he was saying but we finally came to a conclusion. Kevin or Kenny or whoever the hell he was pretending to be had a great deal for me. I was going to get even more channels and my bill was going down sixty dollars a month.

I asked him three times,

“Are you sure?”

And each time he assured me,

“Dat ez correct.”

Sounds too good to be true, doesn’t it? Yeah, it does.

The next month when my bill arrived I noticed the price had increased twenty dollars. So, back to the phone and thirty minutes of voice prompts. Finally I was connected with Donna. I think she was Kevin’s sister because she talked just like him. I explained what had happened and what I had been told. After doing some research, Donna told me it would be corrected on my next bill.

I used to switch cable providers every two years and take advantage of the deal for new customers. It was a hassle having to wait for them to show up and it always turned into an annoying experience. The only thing it did was keep the Jehovah’s Witnesses away for a while. They had a knack for showing up to pray with me as I screamed profanity’s at the cable guy. I was on the do not knock list for like three years. You’d see them in the neighborhood and they’d just bypass our house.

But now they’re back. They were here bright and early Saturday morning two weeks ago. I think I heard there is some kind of spray to put around your door and porch area to keep them away. I forget what it’s called…nah, it can’t be “Witness Protection.” I think it might be “Jehov-away.”

When my next month’s bill arrive it went up another five dollars. This time I was surprised to get Scott on the phone. I think I may have actually been talking to somebody in the United States this time. When I told him about the deal Kevin had offered, Scott basically told me there was no way in hell I was going to get a deal like that.

So the Indian guy promised me something and then it was taken back. I know, the joke pretty much writes itself but we’re not going there. I’ve made the decision to change providers once again. If nothing else it’ll get rid of the Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Follow John on Twitter @jknight841

Order his book by clicking the icon below.JohnKnight



What Color Should the “Sister Bridges” Be? Vote Now



Photo By Dave DiCello

So this story is a little late but you still have time to vote.

Pittsburgh Mayor Bill Peduto and Allegheny County Executive Rich Fitzgerald are asking for you opinion.  The “Sister Bridges” need to be painted.  The suggestion has been to paint the Warhol Bridge gray or silver and the Carson Bridge green and keep the Clemente Bridge Aztec Yellow.

To this point, the overwhelming poll results are to keep all 3 yellow.

You can visit alleghenycounty.us to vote.