Burglar Caught By A Redial Button

YJ-SheetzSuspect

 

Given the Fourth of July Holiday, we got a little backed up on posting Jagoff stories (insert your very own My-Grandpap-was-always-saying-he-was-backed-up-and-used-an-enema-2-times-each-month joke here.)

This story is just awesome….ya wonder who reminds people like THIS GUY to breathe 20 times every minute so that he can stay alive!

Here’s the Jagoff Digest version:

  • Guy, Jason Comer, ALLEGEDLY pulls into a Sheetz store and asks to use the phone to call for help since he is out of gas!

(Surely, you can see where this is headed.)

  • While in the store, Gomer-Comer ALLEGEDLY decides to grab a change dispenser that is attached to the cash register.

(Here comes the big reveal!)

  • He takes off.. (that is NOT alleged because the tow truck driver he called to help him can verify that they hooked up.. SO TO SPEAK)
  • Police show up, get the story.  Once they are told about the phone call BOOM.. no Quincy, Castle, NCIS or Cyril Wecht needed.  The police officer hits the redial button on the phone and…. (you can read the KDKA/Altoona Mirror story HERE.)

(Insert parody Shaggy song lyrics here “You stole the money from the counter.  Wasn’t me!)

Hey Gomer-Comer, luckily you didn’t steal any Trail Mix because my guess is that you’re a sloppy eater and would have dropped a ton of it all the way to your hiding spot.   Could have been fun to write, “Police were hot on Gomer-Comer’s TRAIL Mix!”  Get it????  (some of these are just for me!)

We’re certainly thanking God that you passed up that bio-nuclear-quantum-nan0-physics job at NASA.  That would have wasting brain power like yours on silly, silly things.  But here you are, using that brain to do GREAT THINGS for the world like… provide us some blog fodder!

A couple of tips for the NEXT burglary….

Plan!  No impromptu missions.  Those who fail to plan, plan to FAIL.  At least make some drawings on a napkin or something!

Have that plan include a getaway car that HAS gas

Get a cell phone so that you don’t have to borrow the BURGAREE’s phone… but be sure to use code-names like “Red Leader” during the conversations in front of the people you are burglarizing.. at least that’s what happens in the movies!

Get a West Penn Triple-A card at least a month BEFORE the burglary

And for crissakes, think twice about stealing a change dispenser, they’re awkward and make lots of CHA-CHINGing noises.  Unless you plan on camouflaging yourself as The Rivers Casino, you’re as obvious as an asthmatic playin Hide-n-Seek on a humid, high-pollen summer day, Ya Jagoff!

 

Check out our new contest!!  

There’s a new restaurant coming and YOU get to design the “Ya Jagoff Sandwich” for their menu.

Click the logo for more info.  

Chateau Cafe and Cakery

Contest ends Saturday, July 13th, 2013

 

 

Aaron Watches It For You – World War Z

YJ-WatchesIt_WorldWarZ

Aaron Kleiber watches movies for you so that you can miss them and STILL talk cool at work and at weekend parties.

(SPOILER ALERT)

 

 

Click the video to play.

Follow Aaron on Facebook HERE and/or Twitter HERE

This video sponsored by

A website created to spread the word about comedy in Pittsburgh and be a resource to performers in Pittsburgh.

Click the logo to get to the website.

Guest Blog – Dating Jagoffs!

YJ-DatingJagoff

 

Today is a Guest Blog from Lauren of the Lawrenceville area of the City of Pittsburgh.  It’s about Dating Jagoffs!

Confession: the only male to greet me with any type of enthusiasm in the past 2 years has 4 legs. No, I wasn’t getting busy at the furry convention (yet)… I’m a dog mom. And a cat mom. And I was a fish mom (RIP Hubert). Apparently taking care of cats and dogs is easier.

As much as I love being a ‘mom,‘ I’ve been thinking that it’s time I found another title for myself: ‘girlfriend.‘  Hey, you try showing up to your Italian family’s Christmas Eve dinner single every year for the past 27 years.  You guys can carry on with your conversations about relationships; I’ll just hold my 6-month old nephew in the corner and pretend to look busy.

As much as everybody LOOOVES LAWRENCEVILLE and I’M SOOOO LUCKY TO LIVE HERE the dating scene is limited to lesbians, hipsters, and lesbian hipsters.  Don’t get me wrong, I have friends that would fit into all of these categories and I love them.  It’s just not who I am.

So I embarked on yet another hopeful okCupid journey which began by reactivating my account and cringing at how not-so-photogenic I am.

Then came the man-browsing:

No.

Nope.

Never in a million years.

Maaaaybe if I had a few drinks in me and/or was roofied.

Hey…. this one’s cute. Reallllly cute… and lives super close…

“Hey.” “Hey, what’s up?”

36 messages later, I score his number and begin the texting game.  He’s free Sunday, do I want to meet up?

To quote Mr. Big, “abso-f-ing-lutely“.

Friday: He was down to 2 texts.

Saturday: Nothing.

Sunday: I check the local obituaries. Apparently Mr. Millvale man isn’t dead; he’s just fallen off the face of the Earth.

Seriously??? You don’t even have the b@##s to say “Gee, sorry, but I discovered my true identity over Pride weekend?” Or maybe your grandma or your Aunt Edna’s dog’s sister’s owner died, or your phone broke, or you lost my number, or wound up in the hospital, or joined the Army and called your mom from Savannah to say you’d be home in 3 years like my dad did. All valid excuses if I was young and naive.  I’m not.

Falling off the face of the earth is the most jagoffiest jagoff thing a guy can do.  And trust me, there’s a lot of jagoff things a guy can do.  That’s another blog post for another day.

So, dear jagoff, I leave you with this one thought:

Texting is free, unless you share your grandma’s prepaid Tracphone plan from Walmart where they deduct half a minute per text.  In which case, I’m embarrassed for you.

Use it. Us girls deserve it… Ya Jagoff!

 

Thanks to Lauren, @YinzerSoSmart, for today’s guest blog!!!