Driving Cell Phone Users

So I’m driving on I-279 toward the city.  Traffic is slow in the fast lane!  Is it a bus, is it some kind of tractor in the fast lane holding us up?  NOPE.

It’s THIS guy driving in the fast lane at 40mph just yick-yakin’ away with his hands going faster than he’s driving!!!!

Hey, I use my cell phone CONSTANTLY while I’m driving.  Sometimes even to take pictures (example here).  But one thing I can say is that I DON’T lose consciousness while I’m on the cell phone.

Big guy, if ya can’t WALK AND CHEW GUM at the same time, ain’t  no way your gonna accomplish driving and talking at the same time.  Unless yer last name is “Passing,” this lane ain’t yours so either get outta the way or go get yourself an Ohio license plate which would make driving slow in the fast line LEGAL , YA JAGOFF!

Self Serve – If Ya Know How

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We’ve posted some self serve gas pump stories before…people that fill their car with gas and the go inside to buy snacks, use the restroom, fix their make-up, apply for a second mortgage or whatever as well as the gas pumps that don’t have the little thingies on them to hold the pump open “hands free!”

This one is not so much bad or mean as it is entertaining.

I’m more than entertained by their jagoffery synchronization of filling their gas pumps and tugging on the hose to get more length !  (Watch yourself that one!)

I wonder if they are retired synchronized swimmers????

Word has it that they also went to put air in their rear tires but stretched the hose up over the hood, roof and trunk!!!

“More hose!”  (Watch yourself that one too!!)

Ladies good effort!!  We don’t really see a future for a Summer Olympic event for synchronized-self-serve-salsa.

But if there was, you’d be a Gold Medal pair…..and, given YOUR talent level, then USA would have YEARS of Gold Medal Domination  before China or the Rumanians could catch up to us on this one.

In the meantime, just as a reminder,  that little tiny arrow thingy near the gas pump icon on your dashboard is NOT an extra turn-signal indicator…..it actually points to the side your gas cap is on. What??  Yeppir!!!!!

Thanks for the laugh and keep searching for those left-handed gas pumps, Ya Jagoffs!!

 

Thanks to Trish (@PGHgrlnRDU) who sent us the above pic from North Carolina!!!

Grid Lock/Lane Crossing Jagoff

 

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The orange-barrel-season brings out some traffic jagoffery.

As an aside, this blog post is history in that its our first Jagoff post from a Vine!!  Click here to watch and LISTEN to our Jagoff Catcher yelling at this Jagoff.

You’ve seen drivers like the guy above…. Sitting in traffic…he/she sees the same driver off-and-on  in the other lane next to them as the lanes alternatively stop and start. And then…..it happens….some driver realizes they are not seeing the same driver next to them!!

They wonder, are THEY getting ahead or is that OTHER lane moving faster??

And some drivers, once they realize  that the other lane is moving 4 or 5 car lengths faster, HAVE to dart over into the other lane ..like they might be missing out on some bizarre traffic-busting secret.

And there you have our man in the pic above, on I-376 (which, depending on your age you may recall as The Parkway East) doing what we just described.

“Oh!!!!  They’re getting ahead of me!!  I can get to where I’m going 9.8771 seconds faster if I move over THERE!!”

No you won’t!!  You’re just jacking everything up for the rest of us.

Not sure what your “angle” is here Mr. Mitsubishi but, first thing, if you wanna be a “tough guy” in traffic, we suggest a little tougher of a car model than a Mitsubishi…cuz that thing you’re driving there is only about two steps up from a Fiero!!!

Secondly, we have done some research on this type of driving behavior at our JAGS (Jagoff Activity Graduate Studies) Institute.

We found that MOST Pittsburgh drivers, that feel like they HAVE to constantly change lanes to get ahead in gridlock traffic, suffer from something called “High School Racer Lost-emia.”  Which is a mental disorder caused from always being on the losing side if the Kennywood Racer ride at every school picnic.. Especially if it happens in your Senior year.

We believe Mr. Mitsubishi, in the pic above, suffers from “High School Racer Lost-emia” compounded by the fact that he’s driving a sissy car. 

Mr. Mitsubishi, head directly to Kennywood for emergency therapy.

Ride the Racer for a minimum of 35 times in a row until you realize, the Racer thing is random just like the traffic movement. That, combined with the line-waiting time, will teach you patience and help you to realize that sitting at a 45-degree angle across gridlock traffic  is nothing but selfish, Ya Jagoff!!!

Thanks to Steffi for being our Honorary Jagoff Catcher!!

Look for us on Vine under @YaJagoff

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