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Aug 31 2011

Hey You Jagoff, Why Don’t You Turn On Your “TAXI” Light?

This story was ALMOST missed.  I heard it on KDKA-TV as I was getting out of the shower, knew it was perfect, but had nothing with which to make a note.  Thankfully I was able to get a memory refresher from the fine folks at KDKA-TV.  To insure that this NEVER happens again,  we have now purchased Crayola Bath Tub markers (64 pack).

So you’ve seen the Sears Optical TV commercial where the lady jumps into a police car mistaking it for a taxi, RIGHT?  (Click the video below to see the commercial if you need a refresher.)

Well, in a “real-life-immitates-TV-commercial” story,  this unamed Indiana County guy, ALLEGEDLY, is drunk and he actually does this - hails an Indiana taxi which turns out to be an unmarked police car!  No word on if the guy tipped the driver OR if the said driver gave the man a nice set of silver-plated wristbands.

Hey “Indiana Doe,” the good news is you didn’t drink and drive.  On the downside, we’re hearing UNFORTUNATE rumors that you were cracking yourself up, in the “taxi,” with all of your “I’m-glad-those-stupid-donut-eaters-didn’t-catch-me” stories, Ya Jagoff!!!

NOTE: BTW, our first thought was, “Rural Indiana has taxis?????”

 

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Aug 29 2011

It’s Starbucks, Not Heinz Field!!!

So Starbucks is a great place to hang out, relax, meet some business people and work on writing posts for this blog.  EXCEPT IF THIS GIRL IS IN THERE!!!!!

There I am, sitting quietly drinking my Starbucks hot chocolate (I don’t like coffee and their hot chocolate is served in the same adult-type cup as the coffee so I can STILL look like a big boy!)

Anyway, the two girls in the photo above come in and sit down. It’s some kind of “get-aquainted-you-tell-me-about-you-and-I’ll-tell-you-about-me” conversation.  I know this NOT from eavesdropping – the girl in the red hair talked sooooooooooooooo loud that I could hear her talking even when the cappuccino machine was running.

On top of that, she talked so fast and sooooooooo much that my head thought it was on the Scrambler ride at Kennywood Park.  The other girl was so politely quiet. as one SHOULD BE in a public place, that, at first, I thought the red-head was one of those people that over-modulates on their cell phone as they are walking through town or sitting on the bus.

You can actaully listen to part of the conversation: Click Here To Listen To Missy Megaphone Sample

Not sure if the recording helps you feel my pain but, consider this, the recording was made in my iPhone from about 20 feet away.

Hey Missy Megaphone, meeting at a Starbucks is certainly no library meeting, but the next time you have one of your “You-sit-still-and-I’ll-tell-you-about-me” meetings in a public place, how about taking a heavy dose of “Shut-the-hell-up!” pills.

Or, feel free to have your next life-crisis conversations at Heinz Field while the Baltimore Ravens are trying execute a no-huddle offense in the final two-minutes of the game.  We’re pretty sure THAT CROWD will be louder than you (at least we THINK so) and nobody else within 3 feet will have to give a @#$@ about what you’re saying, Ya Jagoff!!

 

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Aug 26 2011

Jagoff Oakland Driver Makes a “Mark”

Another “Breaking News” Jagoff??  Yep!!!

If you work or hang out in Oakland, you know the place is full of Jagoff drivers – like the drivers that HAVE to scoot through the redlight but end up blocking the intersections AND Jagoff street-crossers – like the people that CONTINUOUSLY try and cross Fifth Avenue at Darragh DESPITE the fact that the City and Port Authority have installed fences, hurdles and 4 retired 3rd string Pittsburgh Steelers linebackers to prevent people from crossing there.  There are sooo many Jagoff drivers in Oakland that,  if we sell enough of our t-shirts, we may actually offer to pay for readlight cameras in the Oakland area just to insure material for our blog!!!!

Yesterday, an impatient Oakland driver ALLEGEDLY tried to cut around another driver that just wasn’t meeting his speed expectations.  (See KDKA-TV Story Here)  He ended up pushing the car next to him up on to the curb near the Cathedral of Learning and, THAT car ran into a 19-year old special needs Pitt student in a wheelchair!  See what trying to save those extra-precious 4.2223 seconds of travel time will do?

Hey Mr. My-Life-Is-More-Important-Than-The-Rest-of-You-Proletariats, do you have any idea how many times this special needs student has probably been delayed in HER life just by trying to get in and out of crowded elevators, on and off buses, around clueless walking-texters?  We’re guessing you missed your REAL IMPORTANT appointment – hoping it wasn’t with your relaxation/hypnosis therapist.  We think the only way you’re gonna get outta this unscathed is to say you were trying to rush the ULTIMATE UPMC/Highmark compromise plan from Ken Melani to Jeff Romoff!

We say, if you are found guilty, we believe that you should have to live in a similar wheelchair for 3 months learning patience.  On the last week of your sentence, our injured student gets to choose 1 challenge project for you each day, such as, feeding you a Five Guys bacon/cheeseburger and fries and 10 bran muffins then detaining you from getting to the bathroom until your colon gets to the ”Defcon 5″ stage then telling you that the ONLY available restroom is the one on the 40th floor of the Cathedral of Learning.  On the last day, she gets to take you, in your wheelchair,  to the Kennywood bumper cars during an elementary school field trip.  Her and the kids will have unlimited time to continuously bounce their cars off of your head, shoulders, knees and toes, Ya Jagoff!!!

 

Credit for this post goes to our Honorary Jagoff Catcher, Twitter follower, K_Fite for clueing us in on this story.

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Aug 25 2011

Pittsburghers And Their “Blue Book”

There is something about people from Pittsburgh and their love of referring to the Blue Book when it comes to their used car, “Hey, just picked up that baby last week for under 10 grand!  There ain’t a scratch on it.  Do you know what the Blue Book value is on THAT thing?  I basically stole this baby.”

So, one of our Twitter followers sends us this message:

Lady carries a $1000 collision deductible insurance on a 2000 Oldsmobile Intrigue that has 166,000+ miles. I’m either going to laugh or cry. Unreal.  She’s lucky if it’s worth $800!”

This goes right along with those “hood dudes” that have an ’81 Chrysler K- car with bumpers hanging off, one of the doors that’s a different color than the rest of the car, a sideview mirror hanging on with duct tape, red translucent tape over the left tail light, the trunk key-hole missing and a $4,545 stereo system that bounces the chest of anyone within 200 yards of the vehicle.

Hey lady, instead of trading in your old gold necklaces for cash, hang them from the review mirror, maybe 20 or 30 of them.  THEN, tape 35-cents to the inside of the driver’s side door panel.  ONLY THEN will your car have SOME value when it’s found in a heap over a hill.  And then your insurance payoff, plus the Blue Book value of your heap of crap, can get ya two Mocha-snob-I-Like-coffee-But-only-when-its-filled-with-cocoa-cinnamon-carmel-and-a -whole-lotta-crapalotta Starbucks drinks, Ya Jagoff!

Thanks to Twitter follower @JohnnyBCool for being our Honorary Jagoff Catcher on this post!!  Thanks for the submission.

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Aug 24 2011

Earthquake-mageddon!!!!! Batman Spoiler Alert!!!!

Well, if we haven’t posted something to alienate almost everyone yet, this might be it!!!  Maybe we just have hard feelings because WE didn’t feel the “Earthquake-mageddon” like 98% of you did.   You’ll notice we used standard news-reporting protocol on the “Earthquake-mageddon” name – every crisis gets a name that ends with “gate” or “mageddon.”

*  Yesterday a 5.8 earthquake hit the Virginia area.  SIGNIFICANT!

*  The shock was felt in MANY places, including our beloved City of Pittsburgh.  SIGNIFICANT!

*  Shaking buildings, rolling ground under your feet, feeling like your standing on top of a train while you’re at home, shaking work plants and blinds.  SIGNIFICANT and SCARY (cuz we don’t get those very much - basically NEVER)

*  Yes there was SOME damage to buildings and things in our area

*  These authors didn’t feel it and we are REALLY ticked!  (Soooooo ticked about missing it that we tweeted the Carnegie Science Center to see if we could rush over and get a free ride in their earthquake simulator machine just so we could get on Facebook and Twitter and fit in.)

BUT, was it REALLY death-defying-let’s-get-outta-work-early kind of stuff here in Pittsburgh?  The earthquake was a 5.8……… IN VIRGINIA!!!!!!!!!!!

The photo above from the Post-Gazette shows people who evacuated their shaking building to go stand on a meek, old pedestrian walkway that stretches over the downtown section of the Boulevard of the Allies.  Whatever happened to the doorway and bathtub rules of an earthquake?  They’re in EVERY movie!!!!!!

Vince Sims, respected reporter of from WPXI showed some video footage of damage in various cities like DC then, at the 4:10 mark, he cuts in video footage from OUR area, that a local viewer took, of the water wiggling in their fish tank (click here for story).  Is that all we got???  That’s cheezier than the stick-a-ruler-in-the-snow trick.

OK, so once again, YES this was scary.  Yes this was news, ESPECIALLY on a day when the Steelers aren’t playing or getting in trouble and the Pirates are no longer in the hunt, Sid Crosby hasn’t returned to the Penguins and the Mayor was actually IN TOWN when this “mageddon” occurred.

But, SETTLE DOWN!  The same people that wanted to go home early because their work plants shook are the same people that watch out the window during work and, as soon as they see a midday snowfall, call the boss and ask, “Are you letting us out early today so that we don’t get stuck here over night?”  You know, the same people that take off work because it’s too cold for their kids to go to school but then take the kids out sled riding all day!

If you legit damage, we feel bad for you.  But, if you’re one of those that called the insurance aduster and asked them to cover 17 new windows in your house because one of your grandmother’s wedding photos fell off the wall during “Earthquake-mageddon” and the glass broke, PLEASE be sensitive to those of us less fortunate Pittsburghers,  that DID NOT get to experience history, Ya Jagoffs!!!

 

SECRET NOTE:  Rumor has it that there WASN’T really an earthquake in Pittsburgh, it was simply the Batman movie trying to get some real-life footage of “total panic” by setting off underground charges since they weren’t allowed to blow up the Civic Arena while they were here!!! 

 

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