Christmas Eve BBQ Brawling Tradition

YJ-BBQ

Let’s all sing…

I saw mommy biting Santa Clause, all because of Barbecue Sauce last niiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

For those of you who are new here, one of the main purposes of this blog is to call out those Pittsburghers that are embarrassing the rest of us.  Given that this story hit Yahoo.com News after it aired on WTAE. William and Tracy seem to fit the criteria.

Seems that, on Christmas Eve, Tracy didn’t bring home BBQ sauce.  We’re not sure if she brought home “the bacon!”  (get it??)

But nonetheless, the fact that Tracy came home without BBQ sauce, really threw a wrench in to hers and Billy-boy’s plans to get to Christmas Eve Midnight Mass early so that they could get a good seat, because, well, they ALLEGEDLY got into a bit of scuffle and both were hauled off to jail for biting and fighting.

Hey… like we always say, the family that watches WWE together, stays together… with the caveat of course, one of them forgets the necessary Holiday condiments.

By the way, I felt terrible about the scowls on their mugshots above so I took the liberty of using the Jagoff-estrator to make them look a little more cheery to fit the season.

But back to the story, I was curious… BBQ Sauce on Christmas Eve?  As it turns out, the 5th, and not well known verse, of “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” as found on the hidden Bing Crosby tapes, actually says, “Please have moss, and barbecue sauce and presents ’round the tree.

Billy-boy and Stacy, the FANTASTIC news out of this is, the Food Channel and the NHL want to talk to you all about a new HBO combo series:

  • “BBQ Brisket and Brawling Misconducts”
  • “Chopped, KICKED and BITTEN!”
  • “A Throw-Down, like we Mean a REAL Throw-Down with Bobby Flay and a Guest Tag Team Partner”
  • (and my personal favorite that I think you might be best suited for) “Diners, Drive-ins and Dregs of Society”

Billy-boy and Stacy, thanks for making Pittsburgh proud (read that as you’re rolling your eyes)!  Normally, Christmas brawls are reserved for a few hours AFTER Christmas dinner, during the family poker game or political discussions with in-laws!  Its kind of how we all know when its time to go home!!!

Ya know, the sad part is, all of this clearly could have been avoided if you would have just stuck with the Christmas tradition of serving ham, Ya Jagoffs!!

Caught With His Pants Down – LITERALLY!

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This is AWESOME!!  Almost as awesome as the $2,40,021 3.5lb Honey Baked Ham that we consumed yesterday for Christmas, but not quite that awesome.

This guy ALLEGEDLY crashed a car into a wall on the Parkway East and then took off running.  From the KDKA-TV website,

A man slammed into a wall along the Parkway. Our cameras were there, when he decided to take the keys and make a run for it. Police arrested the man a short time later in a nearby neighborhood. They believe the man was drunk.

See full story on KDKA.

A part of the story, posted on twitter mentioned that the guy was tripping over his pants as he was running away which made it pretty easy for the police to catch.

When I saw this story, my Christmas-cookie-overloaded-brain immediately reverted to 4 years ago, when American Idol was actually a popular TV show and Simon Cowell was still relevant, and I thought of the song, “Pants on the Ground!”

Remember?

Pants on the Ground
Pants on the Ground

Lookin’ like a fool
With your pants on the Ground
With the gold in your mouth
Hat turned sideways
Pants hit the ground

Call yourself a cool cat
With your pants on the ground

Read more: Larry Platt – Pants On The Ground Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Just in case you need a video refresher:

You’re welcome for THAT song being stuck in your head for the rest of the day!  At least it should help wean you off of the Christmas songs!

Back to my man with the sagging get-away pants… we’re sorry that he had underwear on for the big get-away because he REALLY would have been the BUTT of our jokes about the FULL MOON being out on Christmas Eve, selling CRACK on Christmas Eve or a guy who was high on MOON-shine!

Hey Saggy-drawers-Duane, the next time you’re planning on having to run away from the cops, ya might want to 1) wear a belt, 2) NOT wear your pants in a position that looks like you have 10lbs of potatoes in the back pockets or, even more 3) consider always wearing stripper pants that you can pull off for a quick escape.

As a matter of fact, maybe you could come up with an entire clothing line for escaping individuals… chameleon outerwear that changes color automatically to your escape route’s environment, smart watch handcuffs and an ankle-shackle-mounted pedometer!!

Hope you can keep yer drawers up in jail, Ya Jagoff!

 

Thieves Steal All But One Christmas Decoration

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Photo Credit: WPXI.com

“New Kensington residents Jeremy and Amy-Beth Shurina …had two of their Christmas decorations stolen from their Campbell Avenue front yard early Monday morning (last week).”

See the full story on WPXI.com

About the same time that the Shurina’s two-foot-plastic Christmas Elmo and Christmas Snoopy went missing, a bunch of other Christmas decorations in the neighborhood were vandalized too.  So the Shurinas decided to mock the perpetrators.

Let’s divert for a minute.

Everyone knows the jokes about how we all NICELY wrap up our Christmas lights and their cords each year.  We take them off of the trees, the hedges, the mailbox, the yard meticulously.  But some kind of crazy transformation happens inside that box of decorations and electrical cords over the next 11 months before the NEXT Christmas and ties them all into knots – maybe even knits a pair of booties or shawl out of ‘em.

I don’t know about you but, if I go through that painful annual process of swearing, yanking, pulling, throwing and un-crocheting my Christmas light cords to put up my Christmas decorations, then someone steals or ruins my stuff, someone’s getting more than a sign mocking their efforts as punishment!

Knocking down a kid’s snowman is one thing but, stealing my Christmas decorations after it took me 4-hours just to untangle the mess, should be punishable by being placed in a Baltimore Ravens shirt in the middle of a Steeler’s Tailgate Party and having someone point to the Ravens shirt and yell, “This guy just said he would give $100 cash to the first person that THINKS they can whoop is ARSE!

So kudos to the Shurina’s for having the patience to have fun with this.  Maybe they also have the patience of Jobe each year to properly put away their Christmas decorations so that it doesn’t actually take them 4 hours to un-crochet their electrical cords the following year.

In the meantime to the, CDSJs (that’s an official Jagoff  Crime Lab Headquarters investigative acronym for Christmas Decoration Stealing Jagoffs) if you get caught, I hope you don’t go to jail or juvenile detention.

I hope that everyone of those neighbors get to take their turns banging your knees, elbows and ankles, with Christmas Cookie rolling pins, for an amount of time equal to the time each neighbor spent putting up their decorations.  And then, before you are taken to get X-rays, you actually have to stand on your feet and untangle all of MY Christmas lights, in your bruised conditions….just to help you realize how hard someone actually works on these decorations so that they can enjoy them with their families, Ya Jagoffs!