A Dog’s Point of View – Poop in the Yard

YJ-Nemo

O.K…. I realize it’s been a long winter for all of us but, I doubt very many of you have had to experience peeing in -6 temperatures while your dingle-dangle is rubbing in snow.

But even so, do ya think someone could put on a jacket and get out to the yard and clean up some of this winter  poop?  It’s getting kind of hard to find a place to walk out there.  I’m pretty sure my poop, from the first week of November is still well preserved out there… I recognize it because its the poop sample that contains the yellow material from the sock that I ate when I was mad that you left me home all day while you went shopping for a Turkey.

And, because of the snow, the stuff has been put down in layers… like Pre-Cambrian (Late October), Paleozoic (November) and Mesozoic (during holidays when my stomach was sick from people sneaking me cookies).. but, now that the snow is melting, it’s all on one layer!!!!

I would prefer not to have to step in this stuff when walking out here.  Although, if I do, I won’t freak out and run to a hose and radically squirt at my foot, like most of you humans do. I’ll simply track that stuff right into the house on the good carpet!

Soooooooo consider this fair warning…grab a pooper-scooper, a shovel, or an old shoe, and start getting this stuff cleaned up, YA JAGOFFS!!

A Lenten Rules Refresher

YJ-Lent

Lent is to help Catholics cleanse their minds, hearts and souls of inequities so that they can focus on the resurrection of Jesus which is celebrated on Easter Sunday.  So here’s a time line:

(note: I survived Catholic School)

Fat Tuesday: This is the day before Ash Wednesday (which I will explain next).  Basically it is a day to go out, drink, stuff your grocery hole as much as possible and get crazeeee with your friends because for the NEXT 40 days, you have to be good.

Ash Wednesday:  If you’re not hung-over or sick from your pig-out and you are lucky enough to wake up in your own bed, you find a way to go to church and get ashes put on you’re forehead.  Most folks search for the church that gives JUST ashes as opposed to the churches that make you sit through an entire mass to get them.  Also, if you’re ashamed at work, you kind of find a way to say you ACCIDENTALLY wiped them off while thinking about that big project!

Lent:  If you play by the rules, for the next 40 days you decide to give up some vice. You do this to repent for all of the sins you committed since LAST EASTER!  If you’re smart, this is a chance to RENEW that “failed” New Years commitment of losing weight by giving up eating in between meals or late-night snacks.  One other note, if you’re REALLY SMART, you realize that the Catholic rules allow you to go off the wagon on Sundays and go back to your vice for a day.

Holy Friday:  If you’re in Catholic School you LOVE this day because you get the day off.  If you’re a public school kid, you hope that Easter Break starts before this but your SOAPWORDing MAD that your Catholic buddies get the day of to go skiing or play X-box.

Easter Sunday: You are done FASTING or SACRIFICING and you get back to your old habits!!!  You stuff yourself with chocolate and jelly beans  – because you want to celebrate  a Christian Holy Day just like they did back in Jerusalem when they found the stone rolled back and the tomb empty… gorging yourself with buttered-popcorn-flavored jelly beans and eating hard boiled eggs full of fake dye!

By the way, here’s some jagoffery you can play on the Easter “church-ins.” (the peeps that go to church once a year)

When Dirty Kurty and I were in Catholic School – public high-school kids would ask us about what to wear at church for Easter because they only went once-a-year.  We used to tell’em that the church “changed the rules” and expected all adolescents to wear BRIGHT ORANGE SPORT COATS.  We told them that was the ONLY way they would fit in or look “normal.”  We would charge them $5 for the advice.

Dirty Kurty and I happily sat through ALL FOUR Easter Sunday masses, each year,  just to be ENTERTAINED by those who would show up in BRIGHT ORANGE COATS!  Even better, we charged those same kids $1 for a church bulletin (the only way to prove to your parents that you attended mass) on the way out….they didn’t know they were free!

So guess what I’m doing for lent?  I’m giving up snacking after 6pm cuz I am STILL feelin’ the guilt over the 401K account me and Dirty Kurty built on taking money from those once-a-year Easter Churchins!!!!!

Happy Lent!  Here’s to the next 40 Friday’s of smelling like fire department and church fundraiser fried fish, Ya Jagoffs!

 

Ahh… #@# it! I’ll just turn!

YJ-Turn

 

This pic exemplifies what this blog is all about… highlighting people, as my grandfather used to say, who think their ARSE doesn’t stink!  People that only think of themselves!  The photo was taken at a spot famous for this, the turn from the Liberty Bridge onto Forbes Avenue.

The tweet that came with this pic was:

The turning from the wrong lane #jagoff is one of the worst ways to jagoff in all of jagoffery

This move mainly works if you’re a young woman with a great smile…. you look at the car on the left that you’re about to crash into if they don’t see you coming, you smile, give that little “Oooopsie! I need to get over there but for some reason I happen to be all they way over here!” wave and BOOM.. you’re over.  But for everyone else? This becomes an “I don’t care what my insurance deductible is, I’ll take the side of your van off if you cut in front of me,” situation.

Hey Van Moron-in (that didn’t really work into a Van Morrison play as  well as I hoped that it would), is your “white van” appointment, where you will probably park along the curb with your four-way flashers on and block OTHER traffic four HOURS cause you’re in a “white van,”  that important?

For crissakes, just go straight and let the irritating GPS voice, repeat, “RECALCULATING, RECALCULATING, RECALCULATING, RECALCULATING” for a little bit while you figure this out!

I mean, it’s as simple as taking 5 extra minutes out of YOUR life and making a simple box…going one more block, turning left, then turning left, then turning left again  to get  to where you wanted to be WITHOUT jerking around all of the drivers behind you, Ya Jagoff!

Thanks to Luke B (Pens_andthe_Pen) for being today’s Honorary Jagoff Catcher.

Click below for details on this upcoming Pens Alumni event.

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