More John Tesh Radio “Intelligence”

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Another golden nugget from the very wise John Tesh!

“Did you know employees with good personalities are more likely to be paid more than those with bad ones?”

Well thank you Johnny!! You’ve cracked the code that has stumped the employed and HR executives for centuries!

So sitting at my cubicle with the telephone cord wrapped around my neck while yelling about “burning this place to the ground” is putting me at a disadvantage for making more money?

And telling my boss to “do us all a favor and go back to the hell that you came from” every time he asks for expense reports could be what’s keeping that raise from me?

Clearly you know what you’re talking about…is there a reason why they don’t refer to you as Honorary Doctorate Tesh for crissakes? That’s probably why I always hear your little muffins of brilliance around 2 or 3am….when all the fellow brainiacs are listening.

Hey Johnny boy, not sure what ya been smoking but I’m gonna have to turn you off and move to late night TV infomercials because, if I keep listening to your “intelligence for your life” BS, my life’s gonna be sooooo screwed up I’ll have to start making song dedications with Delilah, just to get my head screwed on straight, YaJagoff!

Bathroom Jagoff!

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I have “issues” with taking a sit-down in public restrooms.   I am no primadonna.  I just have issues and, when the need arises on a roadtrip, I have to seek out a clean, name brand hotel for a bathroom stop.

The other day, I went to the bathroom at a hotel while traveling.  It had an automatic light activator- turns on lights with movement.  This sounds like a good invention, unless you are a guy like me that uses your quiet time in the bathroom to get caught up on emails, twitter #ff’s and blog readings.

So I took a sitdown in this single toilet, Holiday Inn bathroom on this particular day.  There I was reading my twitter account and BOOM BOOM!  Out go the lights!

It took me a minute in the total to blackness to figure out what happened.  I then waived my hands in the air and, there ya go, the lights come on.  BUT, the bathroom was soooo small that my hand movement also activated automatic towel dispenser!!!!  So the lights were on, and now I had towels waiting for me.

As I continued reading my smart phone, the lights went out again and again, and again from the lack of movement.  I waived my hands in the air each time, on came the lights and out came more paper towels.

After a while I thought I was actually being “jagged!

Hey Holiday Inn bathroom light sensor, I don’t know ANYONE that break dances while they are going #2, and I am PERSONALLY not comfortable doing arm windmills during the process either – take a valium and relax, your off-and-on nonsense is burning more killowats than me sitting on the toilet-  until my legs go numb-  with the light on steady for 25 minutes, Ya JAGOFF!!

 If by chance you find a YouTube video of a guy sitting on a toilet, reading his smart phone, going in and out of total darkness and bright lights while he’s sitting with his suit pants down around his ankles and  intermittently waiving his hands, please let me know!!!!

The Jagoff Coffee Table Leg in The Dark

 

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I was walking around in an unfamiliar hotel room and just ASSUMED that I could navigate it, in the dark without my glasses and lights.  I was wrong.

CRUNCH….outta no where I banged my pinky-toe on a coffee table leg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know that Pittsburgh fashion blogger, Alex Duffy (Duffy Dossier), despises the over use of exclamation points but, this particular moment deserves everyone of those SOAPWORD things.  If exclamation points could be CAPITALIZED, I would have done that too.  This toe-into-the-coffee-table thing hurt.

I don’t know if it was the shock of what happened or real pain, but I punched my self in the eye, ran the middle of my shin into the same coffee table and gave myself an no-anesthetic appendectomy with a plastic knife just to make the pinky-t0e pain go away.

And it’s not like I haven’t banged this same toe on a table leg or toy before.  You’d think I would learn a lesson to not navigate in a strange room without a free  Flashlight App.   I’ve banged the same toe so many times that its mangled and twisted to the point of not being able to show it in public.  People say, “Use your insurance and get it fixed.”  To that I say, it’s like that car you had in college.  When the fender and doors were bashed in, did you use the insurance money that you got, from the guy that hit you, to fix your car or to buy beer?  The same thing here… screw the toe fixing… I’d rather have beer.

But this whole story brings me to one simple question.  To Levin’s, Perlora, Value City, Room Concepts and the keeper of the furniture in the back corner of Pool City behind the chlorine and the smart kids at CMU, can someone please engineer a coffee table that has “inny” table legs that are under the CENTER of the table vs. the outside edge or put pinky-toe-friendly rubber-baby-buggy-bumpers on the legs of these things, Ya Jagoffs??