Work Jagoffs

The Guy that Poops at Work!

You know, “That Guy” that ALWAYS “goes” on company time and stinks up the place with NO SHAME whatsoever? I came accross one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was God Awful.

And I don’t understand this cuz I’m not able to take care of that issue in public places if you know what we mean!!!  Basically because I can’t stand POTENTIALLY being identified as “THAT GUY” that left the restroom stinky.

Due to this raging restroom paranoia, I actually came up with a plan for emergency bowel issues while you’re at work: a secret set of “poop shoes” — a special pair of shoes that you smuggle into the bathroom and use for those times when you just HAVE to go while at work.

Think of it, the last time when you went to a bathroom, ladies or guys, and it smelled, you probably could see the culprit’s shoes under the stall AND INSTANTLY RECOGNIZED who in the workplace needed to eat some potpourri.

With the “poop shoes” nobody will know it’s YOU in the stall!  Simply smuggle the pair of “poop shoes” into the bathroom when nature calls.  Quickly slip on the “poop shoes” before you sit down then let ‘er rip!  When someone comes into the restroom and hears you writhing in pain or your bellowing “gas echo” and looks under the stall to see “who dat?” they will see your “poop shoes.”  (HINT: this doesn’t work if you wear one-of-a-kind argyle socks.)  When the mission is complete, you simply exit the stall while the restroom is empty – put your REAL shoes back on and smuggle your “poop shoes” back to your office or cubicle.

Genious, huh???

Ok.. back to “Willie The Waste Management Work-Time Waster.”  First, for the record, the pic above is SIMULATED cuz even I don’t take pics in a bathroom!  Secondly, hey “Willie The Waste Management Work-Time Waster” who sat in the bathroom until his legs were probably asleep and left the  toilet with more skid marks than runway 2-9 Right at the Pittsburgh airport has …. how about a COURTESY FLUSH, Ya Jagoff????????


If you’re new to this blog, check out our OTHER “Work Jagoffs” HERE and maybe this will spark YOU to catch a workplace Jagoff!

Work Jagoffs…. We’ve Taken Paper Home But….


Ok…we have all stolen, sometimes known as “borrowed,” things from work, i.e. paper for the home printer as we justify how much work we do at home, staples because we figure, “what does one row of staples mean to this place,” or pens and pencils …justified by the fact that “this place doesn’t pay me what I’m worth so they owe me!”

But, toilet brushes?  The first question is WHY?  The next question is, where would you hide it… your briefcase, backpack or bag of stanky gym clothes?

Maybe there was that one day Jim in accounting had his comb-over messed up by a windy walk from the parking lot to the office so, he panicked, used the toilet brush, it dripped water on his forehead, he got grossed out and tossed it out a window with some kind of, “You’ll never drip on ME again,” kind of vengeance.

Or, maybe Amy from HR ran late getting into work and realized that her hair looked nappy so, she used it… liked the sheen that it put on her hair and stuffed it in her bag?

At this point, I think you just hope that you don’t go to a picnic at some employee’s house and, you see him/her basting the ribs on the grill, with oodles of home-made BBQ sauce aaaaaaaaaand… got it….and the applicator is a toilet brush!!!

WHOA… worse than finding a cat hair in the work “cat lady’s” poppy seed cake and then she giggles and says, ‘oh sometimes Sheena licks the bowl when I’m making cakes! (giggle..giggle)”

So…stop stealing the work toilet brushes… they’re a buc at the dollar store for crisssakes, YaJagoffs!


Thanks to @lmrhode on Twitter for being our Honorary Work Jagoff Catcher.

Hey… we’re giving away one pair of complimentary weekend passes (value $80) to Horror Realm Con & Pop Exp on July 24-26 at Crowne Plaza Pittsburgh West Green Tree.  Special guest Ryan Hurst from Sons of Anarchy (appearing on Saturday only) and featuring Caroll Spinney (voice of Big Bird), Andre Gower (The Monster Squad), Pittsburgh Dad (Saturday & Sunday only), Lynn Lowry (The Crazies) and many more!  Two large dealer rooms, films, celebrity panels, tattoo contest, costume contest and parties. 

For more info, visit

Comment below on the best thing you’ve “borrowed” from work.  All comments will be entered into a drawing for the pair of Horror Realm Con tickets.

Winners name will be posted on tomorrow’s (7/24) blog post.

Work Elevator Jagoff


This post is about that person that abuses the elevator privileges at work.  But first, what do you think the worst elevator ride might be?  Would it be:

1) The elevator ride that is taking you to the secret work-pooping spot while your IBS is acting up right after lunch

2) The elevator ride where, you are by yourself headed to the 15th floor, and the thing is moving from floor 1 to 12 COMPLETELY uninterrupted… you feel confident… and eek out some “I-drank-beer-and-ate-4-Sheetz Burritos-Last-Night” gas,  then SUDDENLY  the elevator stops on floor 14 and someone gets on and presses 15!

3) The elevator ride where, you get on with your girlfriend and your wife’s already on it

4) The completely random elevator ride at the downtown Pittsburgh Macy’s with Mario Lemieux who is Christmas shopping for his wife in the designer clothing area and Dan Bylsma gets on who is shopping for HIS wife in the “Last Season’s Styles” sales bins

5) The elevator ride on which you pass gas because you believe the elevator is going UP and you figure the smell will sink with the up-motion of the elevator… only to find the elevator is going down and the stench rises to nose level

6) The elevator ride where you get on, and there’s a really hot guy already on it, you fluff your hair then he sticks his finger in his ear, makes a scrape,  then SNIFFS his finger nail

So there I was waiting for an elevator in the basement of an unnamed downtown building.  I had pushed the UP button and it was lit.  Then comes in “Mr Hurry” who sees us waiting, sees the UP light on but has to walk up and hit the UP button again.  After 12.9 seconds of impatience, he walks up and taps the UP button 3 additional times in rapid fashion.  Less then 4 seconds after that, he begins to sigh and huff, look at his watch, then his phone, then pushes the UP button 22 more times.

The elevator finally arrives, we all get on, “Mr. Hurry” gets on first and everyone else fills in.  The elevator then goes to……… yep, you guessed it, Floor #1 and guess who has to squeeze out of the elevator car from the back?  Yep, you guessed that too.

If you were in THAT much of a hurry walk.  With your antsy energy, you could have been to the top of the UPMC-but-most-people-still-call-it-the-steel building by the time the rest of us got to the first floor.  And quit pumping the UP button like you’re priming the fuel line of  a cheap WalMart lawn mower.  Pumping the button does NOT make the elevator come any faster, Ya Jagoff!



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