Dec 8 2014
This post is about that person that abuses the elevator privileges at work. But first, what do you think the worst elevator ride might be? Would it be:
1) The elevator ride that is taking you to the secret work-pooping spot while your IBS is acting up right after lunch
2) The elevator ride where, you are by yourself headed to the 15th floor, and the thing is moving from floor 1 to 12 COMPLETELY uninterrupted… you feel confident… and eek out some “I-drank-beer-and-ate-4-Sheetz Burritos-Last-Night” gas, then SUDDENLY the elevator stops on floor 14 and someone gets on and presses 15!
3) The elevator ride where, you get on with your girlfriend and your wife’s already on it
4) The completely random elevator ride at the downtown Pittsburgh Macy’s with Mario Lemieux who is Christmas shopping for his wife in the designer clothing area and Dan Bylsma gets on who is shopping for HIS wife in the “Last Season’s Styles” sales bins
5) The elevator ride on which you pass gas because you believe the elevator is going UP and you figure the smell will sink with the up-motion of the elevator… only to find the elevator is going down and the stench rises to nose level
6) The elevator ride where you get on, and there’s a really hot guy already on it, you fluff your hair then he sticks his finger in his ear, makes a scrape, then SNIFFS his finger nail
So there I was waiting for an elevator in the basement of an unnamed downtown building. I had pushed the UP button and it was lit. Then comes in “Mr Hurry” who sees us waiting, sees the UP light on but has to walk up and hit the UP button again. After 12.9 seconds of impatience, he walks up and taps the UP button 3 additional times in rapid fashion. Less then 4 seconds after that, he begins to sigh and huff, look at his watch, then his phone, then pushes the UP button 22 more times.
The elevator finally arrives, we all get on, “Mr. Hurry” gets on first and everyone else fills in. The elevator then goes to……… yep, you guessed it, Floor #1 and guess who has to squeeze out of the elevator car from the back? Yep, you guessed that too.
If you were in THAT much of a hurry walk. With your antsy energy, you could have been to the top of the UPMC-but-most-people-still-call-it-the-steel building by the time the rest of us got to the first floor. And quit pumping the UP button like you’re priming the fuel line of a cheap WalMart lawn mower. Pumping the button does NOT make the elevator come any faster, Ya Jagoff!
Free Jagoff Ringtones!!!!!
Click the graphic below to hear them and download them!