Religion Jagoffs

Church Going Jags.. (Catholics Will Love This)

I am not sure where to begin because while practicing our Faith and being “good Christians” we as a group, show more jagoffery then we should.

CCD Traffic
The parking lot is a good place to start. For a better part of the CCD year it is DARK outside by 6:00. CCD starts at 7:00. The streets around my parish are full of people bobbing and weaving in VEHICLES. My guess is that they are in such a rush to have their kids educated religiously they lose the concept of rules of the road, safe driving, and that there are- on average- 80 kids heading into the building. Pick up at 8:30 multiplies this by 100. People are swerving around kids trying to climb into their cars, and spinning into spots Dukes of Hazard style so they aren’t late to retrieve their offspring.
Church Parkers
Parking for mass is only a problem (at my parish) on holidays. However, it literally drives me mad when people park in the DRIVE THRU lane. It is marked in big painted letters so that when you decide to talk to your old neighbor about gardening and how her son in college is after mass, we aren’t sitting in our car waiting for you to move. Not parking lane, DRIVE THRU.

Mass Goers
Mass itself: No one owns any pews. We do not sponsor pews(yet), your name is not on the pew, and if by some act of the Big Guy himself, we beat you to mass, don’t waste the service boring your eyes into my skull so I get the drift that you claimed that pew. I don’t pay attention to where you sit. Ever. If we are making territories- I can bring some pee in a cup and sprinkle it around so you KNOW I marked that pew as ours. So far we aren’t taking it to that level.

Reading the bulletin during mass and especially during the homily makes you a jagoff. You might as well have stayed home. I will admit there are some weeks I feel like the priest is speaking directly to me, others where I am wondering how he is going to tie all the stuff he is talking about to the homily, and others where I am so out of it I am debating if I turned the bathroom light off. However, I am always respectful, quiet, eyes turned forward, even if my mind isn’t all there. Are you that desperate to know when the Knights of Columbus are hosting the next pancake breakfast?

Ditto for coming in so late the priest is on the homily. There is late, and then there is so late where just heading back home is the best choice. We see you come in, and even though we are in God’s house and not supposed to judge, we are collectively thinking, “Really Jagoff?”

Last week a new jagoffery occurred. After the sign of peace, the people behind me hand sanitized. During mass. In the middle of mass. I shook their hands, Howie Mandell wasn’t with them. Their floral scented faux pas lingered through the remainder of mass.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, am I right? I am not saying I am not a church jagoff. My daughter asks random questions LOUDLY and often. (My favorite involved if Scar from Lion King would go to the same Heaven as us.) When mass has ENDED (not after you receive the Eucharist ya’ jag) my husband makes us JOG to the car like we are at a Penguin game and have to get to the parking garage. I have trouble remembering prayers I have said 100s of times and have to use the cheat sheets. But collectively let’s drive slower, park smarter, pay attention, and be respectful. Let’s spend 1 hour a week in God’s house trying to be a little less jagoff-y.

Can I get an Amen ya’ jag?

Special thanks to our friend, and awesome yinzer, Nicole Smith, for being our guest blogger today!!!  Comment below for her!


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Is Anyone Able to Read This Posting?

OK.  So we’re in a WIERD situation! 

We thought about NOT wasting time on a blog post for today since we are all supposed, well, not here. But then again, maybe the Mayans were wrong and we all woke up today.. which means we needed a blog post for today. 

So, here’s what we did. 

We recycled part our post from May, 2011 when Jagoff Harold Camping predicited the LAST nonsensical apocolypse event.



“Harold Camping, the gravely voiced, 89-year-old founder of Family Radio; the man who pinpointed May 21 as the exact date of the Rapture based on clues sprinkled throughout the Bible. He is very confident in his prediction.” (click here for the full story)



Some say the Mayan Calendar says the end of the world will be December 21, 20012.

Hey Harold, Mayans, I listened to you.  I am now broke cuz I drained my bank accounts to buy alcohol and rent a drive-in-sized screen for a neighborhood karaoke party and get a Duquesne Club membership, my parents hate me because I finally fessed up to stealing and wrecking the car when I was 17 ( I had previously blamed it on my cousin who got grounded for life), my neighbor hates me because I made a pass at his hot wife, I am hung over from drinking to forget about making a pass at the neighbor’s hot wife, I am in jail for looting the Ross Park Mall Tiffany’s, Apple and L.L. Bean stores to try and make my neighbor forget about me hitting on his hot wife and I now owe each of my kids a Mercedes Benz and an iPad2 that I promised them if they cleaned their rooms aaaaaaaaaand I now have to do 2 weeks worth of laundry and have to pay my credit card bill aaaaaannnd, on top of all of that, I purposely did not purchase a Christmas tree so now I’m gonna have to use my grandma’s fake SILVER tree AND there’s s’posed to be heavy snow predicted and, last week, I resisted urgers to waste money on toilet paper, milk and bread, YA JAGOFFS!!!!



Our FIRST Religious Jagoff


 Click Here to See Story On WTAE (It’s all over but thought I would use this link)

OK.. I grew up Catholic but was picked up by the Presbyterians on “divorce waivers.”   So I get the whole church and shown’ yer faith thing.  But this guy??????

Look, I remember using my faith for leverage when it benefitted me – going to Catholic School, we LOVED “Holy Days of Obligation” cuz we went to early mass and got the rest of the day OFF!  I also remember, as a teen,  going to Saturday night church, grabbing a bulletin, then immediately leaving to hang out with my friends but STILL having the homily theme at the tip of my tounge on Monday morning to prove I showed up! 

This guy’s havin’ a spat with his neighbor and decides to erect a HUMONGOUS, IMPOSING, LIGHTED-LIKE-A-CASINO cross on his property to “show his faith!” He actually goes on the tube sayin’ he’s got a calling from the Lord to show his faith.  Sheeesh!!!

Carl-buddy, ya know your leveraging yer faith just to spite yer neighbor (It’s as obvious as your need to stand closer to yer razor.) 

Before we go to the church and prove yer a liar by asking them them to count yer weekly Donation Envelopes (cuz that’s how they record attendance), WISE UP, and TAKE THE CROSS DOWN and stop wasting news time and borough legal time, YA JAGOFF!!!

(But by ALL MEANS, feel free to post videos of ya doing your daily prayers on YouTube if ya wanna show us, and yer construction buddies, how “faithfull” you are!)