Political Jagoffs

May 4 2012

Pittsburgh’s “Missing Chain Saw” Massacre

If you haven’t heard this story yet, it’s one of those “government done somebody wrong song” stories. On top of that, the boldness of the guy involved, Matthew Hogue, is incredible.

You can see the report from KDKA’s Andy Sheehan here, but basically, Matthew, City Councilman Kraus’ “constituent services coordinator” purchased $10,000 worth of chainsaws with, of course, City money. A couple of days later, Matty reports the chain saws stolen.

Wow.. we have lots of questions including:

A City Councilman has a staff member called a “constituent services coordinator” that hands out stuff to people? Really?? Is his real name Santa??

The $10,000, in this case, comes from some sort of local version of “walk around money?” Yes, his real name MUST be Santa!

If you steal $10,000 worth of chainsaws while a bear is s@#$ting in the woods and no-one is there to watch them, does the bear still make a sound when he’s s@#$ting and were the chain saws REALLY there if nobody was there to see the trees fall?

Oh Lord!!! Something says there are some friends of Matty’s aka “City Santa” that recently were sold some discounted chain saws who are going to be s@#$ting themselves whether they are in the woods or not when the police come knocking!!

FYI, Andy Sheehan’s not the ONLY big dog investigator in this town. We put our top Jagoff Reporters on this and they found the REAL story: It sees that Matt was secretly starting his own “chainsaw drill team!” His plan along was to have the team perform at local parades and street fairs for an honorarium. The money collected would then be utilized to decrease the City’s debt!!!

Unfortunately now that the chainsaws have been stolen, we need a fundraiser to replace the equipment!!! Those dog-gone burglars should be ashamed of themselves!!!!

Marty aka “Santa,” we say let’s get the drill team some new saws AND uniforms this time. (Of course we suggest some of our Don’t Be a Jagoff t-shirts).

Because of your community spirit, we thought we would honor you with a Draw Something rendering. A guy with your integrity and honesty SHOULD be “honored.”

In the meantime, have fun s@#$ting YOURSELF while law enforcement folks find your buddies and cousins that have new chainsaws cuz this ”Santa on City Dollars” deal is about to come to a screeching halt, Ya Jagoff!!!

 

Hey, it’s almost BEACH TIME.. Myrtle, Outerbanks, Jersey Shore.. don’t forget a beach chair that CLEARLY states you’re from Pittsburgh and that this is

YOUR SEAT!!! 

Click the pick to get to the ordering page.

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By Jagoff Catcher • Community Leaders, News People Jagoffs, Political Jagoffs • 2 • Tags: , , , ,

Apr 20 2012

“Hey, Those Cookies From 7-11?”

 

We’re uni-political for this blog.  So no matter WHICH party has  candidate that acts like a Jagoff, (by embarrassing us or talking crap on ‘the Burgh) well, we jump in.

While we were all fretting about the Penguins this past weekend, Mitt Romney came to town.  And he was doing his best to look like  “regular guy.”  As you can see from the pic above, he was doing OK, except for showing up to a picnic-table-cookie-lemonade party in a starched shirt and tie.  No biggie though, maybe he was coming from another event.  Besides, when we HAVE seen him in jeans, THEY looked starched too.

To the point, Mitt wanted to make some small talk and, THIS is what he seems to be incapable of.  So with the group, he looks at some cookies on the table, from Bethel Park Bakery, and says,

“I’m not sure about these cookies,” Romney said, and continued to tease one of the women at the table: “Did you make those cookies? You didn’t, did you? No. No. They came from the local 7-Eleven bakery or wherever.”

From “The Hill”

So here’s our point….if you don’t know how to make small talk, DON’T ’cause it really does just show how out of touch you might be.  7-11 makes cookie trays???  Nope!  But they DO sell packages of 3 or 4 Oreos or Snackwells for about $85 each.  If he was a common small-talker, he would have said, “Hey, you got any milk?  I’m a dunker!” or “No thanks on the cookies, I’m sure they’re great but they go right to my hips!”

And why does it matter where the cookies came from and why would you take the chance at asking, “You didn’t bake those cookies did you?” And why did he ask the WOMAN at the table vs. the guy about baking the cookies?  Clearly Mitt has NEVER had the unpleasant opportunity of making ”small talk asumption“ faux pas like, “Would you like to have my seat since you’re pregnant?” and then the lady answers, “I’m not pregnant!”  Or, when you don’t know what to say about a new baby and you say,”She’s so cute in that outfit!” and the mom returns with, “His name is Robbie and his grandmother gave him that outfit right before she passed away!”

We’re not here to beat Oven-Mitt Romney about this too much because, none of this has any bearing on whether or not he can be President.

But what WE are concerned with: what kind of small talk trouble might he get into with Presidential situations?

While visiting Peking:  “Hey, this chair’s not made in China is it?  I don’t want it to break when I sit in it!”

While visiting a chemotherapy clinic: “Hey, does anyone know where to get a haircut around here?”

While talking to a group of high schoolers:  “I love the remake of that classic movie called, The Whiz Kahlifa of Oz!”

While visiting Primanti’s: “I think the chef screwed up and put my fries and cole slaw on my sandwich!”

Warning, to all candidates, STOP LISTENING TO YOUR COACHES AND CONSULTANTS….. and just be yourself, YA JAGOFFS!!!!

 

NOTE:  What ELSE would you be afraid of him SMALL-TALKING about?  Comment below.

 

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By Jagoff Catcher • Political Jagoffs • 6 • Tags: , , , ,

Nov 8 2011

It’s Election Day, Ya Jagoff!!!

We are supposed to be proud today and exercise one of our most treasured gifts, the right to vote.  But these candidates make it sooooooo hard to take this stuff seriously with the constant negative campaigning:

“He Stole Money!”

“She Has A Sordid Past of Kicking Puppies”

“He Bounced 7 Checks For His Fraternity As a Freshman In College”

“She Shops In Macy’s Because THIS Devil Woman Loves The Color Red”

Does showing fuzzy, scandalous photos of your opponent with their eyes bulging out of their head that look like they were taken in mid-sneeze OR telling people your opponent isn’t qualified to hold an office cuz he once used his bicycle to run over a picture of Jesus when he was 7 years old REALLY EFFECTIVE AND NECESSARY?

Here’s OUR idea on campaign reform given this silly negative campaigning stuff.  We say that each candidate has to furnish the opponent with 1 photo of themselves to be used by the opponent during the campaign.  It can even be a Glamour Shot!  Then, the opponent gets to use the photo how every they want—but its STILL a glamour shot and not some fuzzy psycho photo.  For example:

It would be legal for your to rub the dark pupils of your opponents eyeballs out of the picture with an eraser so that he looks like something from Politicians of the Living Dead.

It would be legal to draw an arrow through your opponents head with the complete understanding that you are not inferring that he/she needs to be cross-bowed during deer season.

Maybe a good, solid, TRUTHFUL campaign slogan should be, “We suck LESS than the other candidates.”  And since we brought up slogans, while we are a-political on this blog,  we kind of hope that Raja wins for Allegheny County Executive so that we can get more mileage out of the Pittsburgh Pirates’ slogan:

RAISE THE JOLLY RAJA!!!!!

Hey politicians, if you would come up with a slogan like, ”I’m a good candidate and THIS is why – if you like what I’ve said vote for me” and then end it with a word that seems to be foreign to most politicians, PLEASE, maybe more than 27% of the public would actually exercise our right to vote, Ya Jagoffs!

 

 

NOTES:

 For challenging economic/political thoughts, be sure to follow this blog, Dzaja Jogging, by out-of-town Pittsburgher Scotty Duryea

Don’t forget about Wednesday Trivia Night at 1 For the Road Tap Room – Walk in and say, “Hey Mike, Gimme a beer, Ya Jagoff!”

You can now order a Ya Jagoff! cell phone skin. They are only at CellPig.com

Write a note on their Facebook page saying, “Gimme one of those cell phone skins, Ya Jagoff!”

or click the pic below!

Political Pic Credits to PCN-TV, PoliticsPA.com and EssentialPublicRadio.org

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By Jagoff Catcher • Political Jagoffs • 0 • Tags: , , ,

Oct 17 2011

How Do We Know Election Day Is Near? Political Jagoffs Appear!

You know that famous phrase, “Can’t we all just get along?”  Well, we think it’s more like, “Can’t we all just act like civil adults?” or RE-interpreted, “Can’t we all just STOP acting little kids?”  For those of you new to this blog, we’re all about pointing out people who are disrespectful and act selfish and childish!

Here’s the deal, we don’t care what side of the political fence you’re on at any level.  But something about political advertising seems to lower SOME PEOPLE’S threshold of good taste, between factions, faster than Charlie Sheen invading a Pampered Chef party.

Out in the west-suburbia area, Robinson Township, we find our first example of poltical-pettiness of the season.

Supporters of one group of candidates posted their black-and-gold sign saying “Yaaaay, our people are good!”  Then neighbors posted THEIR red-and-black sign saying, “Yaaay, our people are good!”

It all seems pretty civil until you realize that the people who posted the red-and-black sign have a HUUUUUUUUUUGE yard and could have put their sign in ANY three-square-foot part of their yard.  INSTEAD, they chose to place THEIR sign in a place that blocked the black-and-gold sign from being seen by those driving by.

What an AWESOME display of civility and professionallism for the young ones, huh?  (You know, the kids we are teaching about BULLYING being bad?)  Is THIS what local politics has become?

My sign’s bigger than YOUR sign!  Naaaaaa, naaaaa, na, naaaa naaaaa! Besides, your candidate is nothing but a “Poopy Pants!” (followed by a spitting of some raspberries toward the competition’s signs and then spraying them with that imaginary “cootie spray” we used to use in 1st grade!)

Well we don’t doubt that the team of Faith and Suess might have an edge here because it’s clear that they relate REALLY well with the kids of the school district – TOO BAD ITS THE KINDERGARTEN’ers!!!

To some politicians, we can’t wait until Election Day is over so we can go back to watching some high-integrity TV commercials, like those from the local car dealers  – the ones where they ride donkeys, pop balloons, scream and stomp like crazed maniacs as they display their lack of self-pride just to hock some cars.  In the meantime, to these political-marketing-geniuses in Robinson Township, don’t forget to knock the books outta your opponents’ hands and give them a wet-willy when you see them in the school hallways, Ya Jagoffs!

 

Credit WPXI for this story.

 

Don’t forget it’s still Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  Men AND Women, be sure to check your humps for lumps! 

 

 

 

 

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By Jagoff Catcher • Political Jagoffs • 0 • Tags: , ,

Sep 27 2011

Isn’t This Alcohol Abuse?

A Post-Gazette article, last week (here) is pretty much the eulogy on the Pennsylvania Wine Kiosk “experiment.”  It’s probably also a pretty good “white paper” on what politicians know about running a real business.

If you’re unfamiliar with the story OR the crazy Pennsylvania system of purchasing alcohol ONLY from a State Employee who is highly trained and EXTREMELY vigilant on WHO can buy alcohol, ya see, Pennsylvania has these things called State Liquor Stores.  The closest thing to alcohol we can get in a grocery store is something about 28 times less proof than Catholic altar wine.

So, to try and make our lives better and alcohol purchases more convenient,  the State folks decided, “Hey, let’s let minions purchase wine from electronic kiosks in grocery stores.  It will be sooooo convenient that we will be able to charge higher prices – ALMOST enough to pay off the million dollar machines used to dispense the 10 or so types of wine in it.  People will think we’re BRILLIANT!”

(My first thought was, “WHAT?  Have you seen how mangled peanut-butter-cheese crackers get when THEY fall from the top row?)

Well, needless to say the experiment didn’t go so well.  It actually got to the point where, the machines didn’t work SO MUCH that the State Liquor folks actually paid an employee to sit at the machine to attend to the 1 or 2 people that tried to use it each day in the grocery store.  Isn’t that like Parkvale Saving Bank paying a bank teller to watch transactions all day at an ATM?  (Come to think of it, that would probably be pretty entertaining on a Friday night at any ATM near the Strip District!!)

According to the Post-Gazette article, (CLICK HERE FOR IT):

1 out of 21 transactions had a mishap

919 malfunctions occurred in 6 months

Wal-Mart got so scared of the machines that they backed out of them before even installing them 

What was Wal-Mart actually gonna sell outta these things?  Didn’t think those machines held wine BOXES!  Well, the good news is that nobody tried to rock or tip one of the million-dollar machine because their purchase got stuck against the glass!!

So Liquor-Control-Freaks,  we appreciate you trying to make our lives so much more convenient.   You moved us from the 19th century where we have to locate a special alcohol store, separate from where we get the rest of the snacks and mixers, to a system that allowed us to purchase alcohol in a grocery store SIMPLY by, reviewing the wine kiosk choices, calling someone on the video screen, showing them my identification, proving that I am not already drunk by talking to them and blowing into a breathalyzer, waiting for the verification, then paying for the wine and then hoping that the bottle actually comes out of the machine!! (True CONVENIENCE!)

The good news is, there is no Nobel “Fiscal Responsibility” Prize so you don’t have to be nervous about missing out on a nomination.  Our suggestion is, if you’re going to put alcohol in a machine at a grocery store, we suggest those CLAW machines so that, if I don’t get my wine, I might be happy with the Van Halen poster, RUN DMC pillow  or stuffed Toy Story Alien doll, Ya Jagoffs!

 

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By Jagoff Catcher • Community Leaders, Political Jagoffs • 1 • Tags: , , ,

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