Neighbor Jagoffs

Jan 17 2012

Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself Or….. RUN HIS ARSE OVER!

 

Seems like it’s been FOREVER since we had a NEIGHBOR JAGOFF post or a NEWS PEOPLE JAGOFF!

Anthony Pellegrino had a problem with his neighbor and his neighbor’s dog so he did what ANY neighbor would have done, he hopped in his car and tried to run over his neighbor, Frank Rhone and his dog, while they were out for a walk.  Who needs a magistrate anyway?

But wait!  Pellegrino didn’t just give it one shot.  He seemed to grasp the meaning of PERSISTANCE from watching Evgani Malkin in the Penguins game Sunday afteroon.   After Frank and his dog jumped out of the way, Pellegrino threw the car in reverse and headed for Frank and the dog again!!

(It gets crazier!)

Frank is, of course OUTRAGED, and does what any NORMAL person would do– he whips out a gun and starts firing it wildly at Pellegrino’s car!  The problem is, Frank’s not too good of a shot while laying on his back in a yard, holding onto his dog trying to avoid being run over by a wild car…..one of his bullets hits a house and, as you can see by the WPXI story, “narrowly missing a woman inside.”

At some point, Pellegrino gives up to the police thus avoiding this calamity from getting any worse.  We could just see this ending up as something out of a  Looney Tunes scene where the “narrowly missed lady“ comes out of her house with a shot gun, misses her shot, causing a bucket of water to fall off of a window ledge, dumping the water on to some outside Christmas lights, thusly causing an electrical short that causes one of the street’s transformers to explode on a telephone pole, which scares ANOTHER neighbor’s cat who SCREECHES and JUMPS and freaks out Frank’s dog, who then tries to CHASE the cat and pulls on Frank’s arm soooooo hard that his arm pulls out of its socket, thusly causing Frank to CRAP his pants from the pain which, in turn, causes Frank’s dog to CRAP in the yard and ……. GUESS WHAT????  Frank has NO Pooper Scooper  baggie on him to clean up after his own dog and the situation finally culminates at the point why Mr. Pellegrino was INITIALLY sooooooo mad.  (Now who HASN’T  been that mad at a neighbor that doesn’t clean up after their dog?)

OK.. all of that’s a lie.. it turns out that Frank and Anthony have had a life-long game of “TV-Tag” going on in the neighborhood.  Last night, Anthony was chasing Frank.  Frank ducked down to avoid being tagged by Anthony and yelled “Dukes of Hazard!”  At that point, Anthony took him seriously and went all “Boss Hogg” on Frank!

Ok..tht’s a lie too!  But what WOULD explain to neighbors acting like this other than them being .. well.. wait for it….

Frank and Anthony, you guys are the EPITOME of “there goes the neighborhood!”  We recommend you guys sign up for a Seniors Hockey League at a local ice rink. Then, you guys can fight once a week— with no chance of going to jail—you only have to sit in a penalty box for 10 minutes each time, Ya Jagoffs!

 

PLEASE BE SURE TO CLICK ON SHARE or FORWARD TO ALL OF YOUR YINZER FRIENDS!

WE LOVE AN AUDIENCE! 

 

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By Jagoff Catcher • Neighbor Jagoffs, News People Jagoffs • 0 • Tags: , , ,

Dec 27 2011

Proof That Football IS A Religion In Pittsburgh (And Roger Goodell IS The Devil)

On Christmas Day, we received this picture along with this tweet:

Heya @YaJagoff, a little xmas holiday @steelers + @SteelerAddicts love in West View for @jharrison9292

The photo and tweet were from an ExPat, current Boston resident, that was visiting for the Holiday.  We HAD to do something with this photo so here it is.  In case it isn’t apparent, Jesus, The Reason For The Season, is nicely tucked away in a manger up next to the house.  In the meantime, the handmade sign, blaming Rogee Go-Ta-Hell, The Reason For The Season Of UN-Reason, for making the NFL too soft!

Some of the traditional conservatives might say, this resident should get a Jagoff post for making the “Roger Sign” the focus instead of the manger scene.  But we see it another way… we ENJOY any opportunity to verbally beat the NFL Commissioner about the head, neck AND face!  So let’s have at it.

Rogee-babeeeee, Self-appointed-King-of-Kings-Who-can-now-afford-to-shower-himself-in-gold-frankincense-and-myrrh-And-probably-has-even-more-wealth-than-all-Christian-churches-due-to-the-random-fines-placed-on-Steelers-let-alone-other-NFL-teams, if we showed you a picture of the manger scene, you would probably flash some photos of your OWN baby pictures of you, as an infant, wrapped in swaddling clothes with people surrounding you who had been co-erced to pay a $10 cover charge and a 2-drink minimum to show up and catch a glimpse of YOU— the future Messiah of the NFL.  Surely you were THAT full of yourself even as an infant because your level of egotism and self importance HAS to be innate vs. a learned trait.

Roger, every good religion needs a “bad guy” and, in Pittsburgh, our FOOTBALL RELIGION, has you officially listed as the master of “all that is dark and evil.”  Hoping you’ll be proud of your legacy when you are FINALLY the commissioner of the Don’t-really-grab-just-lightly-brush-by-the-flag Football League, Ya Jagoff!

 

Thanks so much to Twitter Follower, Carol Beggy, for sending us this pic and being our Honorary Jagoff Catcher for this post.

 

Don’t forget to check out our store!!!!  You can get t-shirts just like THIS one!  Click on the shirt to get to the store!

 

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By Jagoff Catcher • Football, Neighbor Jagoffs • 0 • Tags: , , , ,

Dec 14 2011

The Things You See When You Don’t Have A Tow Truck In Your Pocket

 

We are perplexed!! Is this a Neighbor Jagoff, A Driving Jagoff or another Parking Jagoff????  The answer is, it’s a trifecta Jagoff!!!!  This driver fits into all three categories.

These pictures from a street in Pitcairn, PA appeared on Twitter.  The associated message said:

Street prepped for paving and one lone #jagoff that can’t read! #NoParking!

So just in case you don’t get it, the street was posted for “No Parking” so that a road crew could come in that day and pave it.  Literally, not a car on the street except for THIS guy.

Now, even if YOU pulled onto this street, and DIDN’T see the “No Parking” signs, would the totally empty street give you any type of context clue that something was up?  Street cleaning?  Sewer cleaning? Some type of mid-morning Pitcairn Volunteer Fireman’s Parade?  A ”Neighborhood Vehicle Eviction Notice” antic from Occupy Pitcairn?

Not for this guy!  He just looked at it as one day when he didn’t have to parallel park.

We were wondering if the guy driving the red truck is “That Guy” who also pulls his vehicle into the middle of a funeral procession or tailgates an ambulance, with it’s siren and lights on, just to take advantage of running stop lights.

The greatest thing about this post is that it allows us to leverage one of the more popular new song titles.

Hey Mr. Red-Solo-TRUCK (ahhhh did ya like that Toby Keith fans??), not sure what you were thinking here but one of the funniest things WE found from the picture was that, you had the entire street wide open and you chose to park right up against the Stop sign (illegal and stupid.) 

But don’t worry Red-solo-truck guy, just in case there is MORE road resurfacing in Pitcairn on the days you feel like not concentrating on your parking efforts, we have requested that the Borough of Pitcairn utilize more visible parking signs that say,

“Just In Case You Missed The Fact That Nobody Else Is Parked On This Particular Street Today And Just In Case You ALSO Missed All The “No Parking” Signs Stapled To Every Other Phone Pole Along The Entire Street Coupled With The Fact That You Are NOT Smarter Than A Gateway School District Fifth Grader Or Have The Common Sense Of The Neighborhood Stray Cat, DON’T PARK HERE TODAY, YA JAGOFF!!!! 

Thanks to Twitter Follower and, now, Honorary Jagoff Catcher, DerrickParady, for this post idea!!

Click on the sweatshirt pic below to see our Jagoff Store!

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By Jagoff Catcher • Driving Jagoffs, Neighbor Jagoffs, Parking Lot Jagoffs • 0

Nov 21 2011

Hey, Let’s Do A Business Boycott – OF OUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORS!!!

Ok..this COULD get long and drawn out but here’s a quick summary before we get to our point.

Some businesses and residents of the South Side have seen very positive results from the area’s re-tooling efforts over the past 15-20 years.  They would like that “growing, vibrant neighborhood” process to continue and, given the City of Pittsburgh’s current financial stresses, some of the residents believe it would be helpful to start a “Neighborhood Improvement District” for the area.  It’s a fee-based concept, where neighbors pitch-in (i.e. take direct responsibility) for street cleaning, parking maintenance, safety, projects to maintain a specific standard of existence.

No doubt, there will be businesses and individuals opposed to this concept given that the creation of the NID means pulling money out of your own pocket to pay for services that you’d THINK you should be getting ALREADY from your local taxes.  Fixed incomes, the effect of the economy on local businesses, traffic from the Batman and Tom Cruise movies will all be factors on how each person forms their own opinion about the NID concept.

As the folks from CW Press say on their response (here), everyone deserves a right to their opinion and the opportunity to voice that opinion.  Then, typically, somehow an issue like this, gets resolved with all parties compromising in the end for greater good.

UNLESS you are Dan Murrer, of www.REALstats.net who ALSO operates on the South side.  Dan thought he would take his case to the public in a VERY PROFESSIONAL manner and mailed the above flier to folks in the proposed NID area.  BOYCOTT!!!!  “These people want to TAX your money!”

REALLY??  Dan, you forgot, “Firehouses and ambulance stations MIGHT close and your neighbor or your neighbor’s kid MIGHT DIE!”  And another good one you missed is, “These business owners KICK PUPPIES when they see them on the street!”

A boycott over a local community improvement issue?  It’s not like someone’s trying to build an asbestos manufacturing plant next door!

Danny-boy, OH Danny-boy, we love you so.  You’re chicken-little-the-sky-is-going-to-fall mailer, COULD have said, please stop by these local businesses and voice your opinion about the NID, but no—BOYCOTT!!!!

For your follow-up flier, we suggest stealing from the recent County Exec political ads and create a RESPECTABLE negativity campaign like “All supporters of the NID are pee-pee heads and, when you see them on the South side, stand about 25-feet away from them and use your thumb and pointer finger in a pinching motion to pretend like your squishing  their heads,” Ya Jagoff?

NOTE: As you know, we NEVER promote boycotting in our blogs.  Therefore, our standard challenge is offered:  You can earn a prize by donning one of our “Don’t Be A Jagoff” t-shirts and getting your picture taken with Dan OR in front of his place and being the first person to post it on our Facebook page HERE!  Dan’s address, is on the mailer but if you need it it’s, 1911 East Carson St. Pittsburgh, PA 15203.  DO NOT BE A JAGOFF and damage anything of Dan’s other than his emotions. Good luck.

NOTE AFTER THE NOTE:  Our guest blogs will be starting this Friday along with our online auction of autographed Don’t Be A Jagoff T-shirts.  Go here to peruse the menu.

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By Jagoff Catcher • Neighbor Jagoffs • 2

Oct 19 2011

What Ever Happened To Getting Drunk And Telling Everyone “I LOVE YOU?”

So last night on Facebook we asked who we should post as today’s Jagoff?  The 75 year-old lady that had to have SWAT called on her?  The Fayette County wedding couple who’s first fight of their hour-long marriage was a 50-person fist fight with some wedding crashers or these boys?

Facebook Followers spoke!

These two neighbors started drinking.

(Ya know, there are soooooooo many stories that begin with the quote, “We started drinking and then….” )

Very few of those stories end with ”and within a week we had became millionaires” or “and that’s how we won the Nobel Prize” or “and that’s how the new iPhone 7 was developed.”

But anyway, these two Dormont neighbors were drinking and the next thing that happens is one ALLEGEDLY has a knife and the other has a shovel.

(Isn’t there something in movie scripts that says, “you never bring a knife to a SHOVEL FIGHT?)

Click HERE for the WPXI story if you want but, the key statement in the story is, “The suspect, Rob Coates, told Channel 11 News that the other man grabbed a knife to try to get him to leave, so Coates said he grabbed a shovel to defend himself.”

(Silly question time:  If your neighbor grabs a knife to try and get you to leave, would you LEAVE or would you grab a shovel?)

For some reason, when your’e drinking, your decision-making becomes as faulty as a Pittsburgh Pirates front office person that thinks it’s a good idea to raise ticket prices.

(Silly question time AGAIN:  What do you have to do to make your neighbor soooooooo mad that he asks you to leave by brandishing a knife?) 

Something tells us this is more than simply NOT using the deodorizing spray after using the bathroom nearest to where you’ve been drinking.

Coates goes on to say, “I said, ‘Let’s just make some gyros and be cool.’”  Haaaaa.. haaaaaaaaaa… make some GYROS?  The generally accepted olive-branch-let’s-call-a-truce phrase in Dormont?

(Silly question time again:  Who in theeeeeeeeeeee HELL has one of those giant-cone-of -mystery-meat-cookers at their house?)

So to bring this to a close, neighbor # 1 isn’t speaking about any knife and Mr. Coates is now accused of attacking neighbor #1 with a shovel.  Something tells us this is going to screw with their secret agreement to share hacked-cable and wi-fi signals but who’s to say.

Hey “Hall and Coates,” (did ya like that?), we think its time give up the alcohol and start sipping Country Time Lemonade on the  porch in the evenings.  The tell-tail sign is that, you boys have gone waaaaaay past the point of getting drunk, holding cigarettes to each others’ forearms to see who flinches first, playing who-can-punch-who-in-the-arm-the hardest and  slurring, “I LOVE YOU MAN” over a dozen times before ya pass out.

Our suggestion, get “rid” of the weapons and tools and go back to NOOGIES.  It will keep ya off of the news and out of the magistrate’s office,  YA JAGOFFS!

 

 

Don’t forget to order your “Don’t Be A Jagoff” T-shirt! (Click the Pic) 

 

 

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By Jagoff Catcher • Neighbor Jagoffs, Uncategorized • 1 • Tags: , ,

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