Inanimate Jagoffs

Who Put All Of the Pins In This Shirt?


So, I bought some dress shirts the other day. And, thankfully I am not on blood thinners.

Not only did I have to pull off all of the stickers, plastic collar button butterfly thingies, cardboard-under-the-collar hicky-ma-jigs but, I had to go on a “straight pin” exploration! The thing is full of them and, if you happen to put the shirt one, or, even worse tuck it in near your groin area, without finding all of the pins, there’s a pricking surprise.

Do we really need this many secretly placed straight pins to keep this shirt looking it’s best in the package? Can we not just fold them nicely and stack a 100 of them on top of each other which would nicely press the ones on the bottom? I mean, I have 4 dresser drawers stuffed tight with all of my free t-shirts and, the ones on the bottom of the drawer, look like they’ve been impeccably pressed at a dray cleaner with heavy starch!

Could we at least get a check list or a tag on the inside telling us where to find the pins or how many pins I might have to dive in and find?

Here’s the other thing, there AIN’T no machine that puts these pins in place. I’m thinking the shirt could be discounted by 50% if they saved the cost of the pins and putting them in.

Hey Macy’s, I didn’t think that I bought an acupuncture vest!

Thanks for making me go to my garage, weed through all of the inflatable rafts, skim boards, 12-year old snorkel masks and unused goggles to  dig out my once-a-year-Myrtle-Beach-Outer-Banks metal detector to scan my new shirt before I could wear it, Ya Jagoffs!

It’s Girl Scout Cookie Season (Still On That New Years Resolution?)

It’s almost Girl Scout Cookie season, THANK GOD!!!  I thought I still had some left in the freezer from LAST season but, NOPE!  (And those Thin Mints are DEEE-lish frozen).

Guessing that I ate them all while watching all of the episodes of NBC’s ”The Biggest Loser!”  Yeppir, while I was watching those heavies get yelled at by the coaches, I was downing a sleeve of Thin Mints or a row of Samoas per episode WITH a glass or two of milk! (Skim of course)

As a matter of fact, the more the Biggest Loser coaches yelled, the more anxious I’d get and tap into the first couple of cookies from the next  sleeve or row!!!  And ya KNOW ya can’t EVER leave behind a partial sleeve or row of Girl Scout cookies!!!

After the “Biggest Loser” show was over, I would feel guilty and go a little more healthy – I would back off the heavy cookies and eat of few Trefoils.   Guilt be gone cuz they have no icing!!!!

Maybe it’s time I write a diet book.  Diet books ALWAYS make MONEY.  Here’s how mine would go:

Forward: By Jack LaLane’s Ghost Writer (Really a ghost)

Chapter 1: Don’t Eat that 5th Slice of Pizza!

Chapter 2:  Why Did You Eat the 5th Pizza? (Subtitle – Why Are You Even Reading This Book If Yer Not Gonna Listen?)

Chapter 3:  No More Snacking After 9 (A.M. that is!)

Chapter 4: Put Down the Remote and GET UP To Change the Channel Chubbins

Chapter 5: Take Yer Dirty Clothes Off of the Treadmill

Chapter 6: Have Some Pride, Step On Your Own Scale and Stand In Front Of Your Own Mirror!

Chapter 7:  How’s That Weigh Loss Resolution Going???

And, of course, the Closing Remarks would be one simple sentence, JUST PUSH AWAY FROM THE TABLE, YA JAGOFF!!!!!

OK.. remember to order those cookies!!!!!

Bathroom Jagoff!


I have “issues” with taking a sit-down in public restrooms.   I am no primadonna.  I just have issues and, when the need arises on a roadtrip, I have to seek out a clean, name brand hotel for a bathroom stop.

The other day, I went to the bathroom at a hotel while traveling.  It had an automatic light activator- turns on lights with movement.  This sounds like a good invention, unless you are a guy like me that uses your quiet time in the bathroom to get caught up on emails, twitter #ff’s and blog readings.

So I took a sitdown in this single toilet, Holiday Inn bathroom on this particular day.  There I was reading my twitter account and BOOM BOOM!  Out go the lights!

It took me a minute in the total to blackness to figure out what happened.  I then waived my hands in the air and, there ya go, the lights come on.  BUT, the bathroom was soooo small that my hand movement also activated automatic towel dispenser!!!!  So the lights were on, and now I had towels waiting for me.

As I continued reading my smart phone, the lights went out again and again, and again from the lack of movement.  I waived my hands in the air each time, on came the lights and out came more paper towels.

After a while I thought I was actually being “jagged!

Hey Holiday Inn bathroom light sensor, I don’t know ANYONE that break dances while they are going #2, and I am PERSONALLY not comfortable doing arm windmills during the process either – take a valium and relax, your off-and-on nonsense is burning more killowats than me sitting on the toilet-  until my legs go numb-  with the light on steady for 25 minutes, Ya JAGOFF!!

 If by chance you find a YouTube video of a guy sitting on a toilet, reading his smart phone, going in and out of total darkness and bright lights while he’s sitting with his suit pants down around his ankles and  intermittently waiving his hands, please let me know!!!!