Inanimate Jagoffs

Those Jagoff Produce/Bakery Plastic Bags


We have heard in the past about, “Some days you get the bear and some days the bear gets YOU!”  But it seems that every time, and I mean EVERY TIME, I try and bag some produce or try and be sneaky about grabbing a bagel out of those bakery bins WITHOUT using those plastic tongs, I get hung up by these stupid plastic bags.

Are they really sealed on both ends?

Honestly, can anyone actually ever find the opening on one try despite the fact that it’s hung on those racks with, what is supposed to be, the open side UP?

No matter what ya do, you cannot find the bag opening squish the bag top between your fingers and do the swirl move… spit on your fingers and repeat the swirl move with the bag between your thumb and fingers… or run over to the glue aisle, grab a tube of that Super Glue, put it on your finger tips and then allow the two sides of the plastic bag to stick to your finger tips and, therefore, open the stupid plastic bag as your pull your fingers apart (if you haven’t glued your fingers together accidentally)?

Ya know… when complaining.. many people say something like, “We can send a man to the moon so why can’t we….

In this instance we’re saying, “Why do these plastic bags have to be sealed like a hatch on the space shuttle?”  Especially while your hands are full of, recently misted, broccoli!

The bags probably wouldn’t be so hard to open if they didn’t try to SQUEEEEEEZE 10,011 of the bags into a package the size of a Lance Peanut Butter/Cheese Cracker package!

To all you grocery store managers… you have printing ALL OVER that bag.  Is it too hard to put an arrow that points to the top of the bag where the opening is?  And then……………………….well…………………… it too hard to put a little finger and thumb “traction” sticky thingy on the top of the bags so that I don’t have to lick my fingers like a grandma to get the stupid thing open, Ya Jagoffs??????

That “UN-Leveled” Restaurant Table


You sit down at a table, hoping for good food, good service, good times aaaaaand then….. the table rocks because one of the leveling pegs is missing or too short.  Which leads us to one REALLY obvious question, “What happened to this table between now and 4 minutes ago when the LAST couple was using it?”  Did they finish eating, pay their bill, then inconspicuously crawl underneath the table with a tool box, put it up on jacks and twist the level-thingy just after they conspired to twist the salt and pepper shaker lids partially off (so that they would dump all over the next users food) and then run like hell?

So now your faced with asking for a new table or, like most of us do, finding some way to tolerate the irritating rocking OR jury-rig a solution of napkins, or stacks of Sweet-n-Low OR put your foot on the table leg or lean your elbow heavily own the table for the entire meal so that the unlevel side stays put.

All that I know is….this world now has equipment that allows a guy to parachute from outer-space, gyro-fitted video cameras that can tape a ride on the Kennywood Racers and make it look like you’re on a smooth ride in a low-riding Escalade and CMU students that make driver-less cars.

We also have Smartphone Apps that track your pre-meal exercise caloric burn, provide driving directions to the restaurant, make wine suggestions for your meal, calculate the calorie intake of the meal AND then allow you to post photos of your meal on social media.

But for some reason, nobody can figure out how to keep restaurant tables level for more than one meal.

Will someone on the Allegheny County Council PA-LEEZE write a job description for a Restaurant-Table-Leveling-Thingy-Adjustment-Professional (RTLTAP for short) and require all restaurants to hire one then up the 7% alcohol tax to 10% to pay for it, Ya Jagoffs?



What’s Your Favorite REAL or MADE-UP Trick To Level a Rocky Restaurant Table??



The Jagoff Peanut Butter Jars!!!



If you’re a peanut butter eater, you will get this.  If you are NOT a peanut butter eater, you WON’T get this so hit SHARE,  move along and get ready for tomorow’s Yakkin’ With Ya Jagoff video with Pens Hall of Fame announcer, Mike Lange.

As a peanut butter eater, who is coming to the end of the peanut butter in the jar, two things happen:

1) As you scrape your knife around the bottom inside edges of the jar, most of the peanut butter forms a little mountain of peanut butter in the CENTER of the bottom.  Thusly making it close to impossible to get it out.  You have to smash the little mountain against the side to get some on your knife, then you go back in and scrape and make ANOTHER mountain.

2) This one’s the big one, as you are scraping the bottom of ANY peanut butter jar, you end up with your knuckles covered in peanut butter from trying to work the knife down in.

This may sound piddly but, we can put a man on the moon, we have smart stoplights that know what time of day it is, we make virtual 1st-down lines on a televised football game, we have upside down ketchup, liquid soap containers AND soap containers that make foam, plastic coffee containers that turns out are the same containers for house paint but….. the peanut butter jar hasn’t changed since it moved from glass to plastic?  Hell, even BUTTER moved to a big ol’ tub!!!!!  When is the last time anyone changed ANYTHING about peanut butter other than making it HORRIBLE by trying to make it Low Sodium????????

Hey Jiff, Skippy, Peter Pan, Smuckers and the rest of you, it might be time to re-think this peanut butter container thing.  I’m tired of PBK’s (Peanut Butter Knuckles). Sure, the back of my hands look nice and young from all of the oil that has soaked into them every morning over the years.  But I’d REALLY like to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar without feeling like the banana on an Elvis Presley sandwich,  Ya Jagoffs!