Inanimate Jagoffs

The Jagoff Peanut Butter Jars!!!



If you’re a peanut butter eater, you will get this.  If you are NOT a peanut butter eater, you WON’T get this so hit SHARE,  move along and get ready for tomorow’s Yakkin’ With Ya Jagoff video with Pens Hall of Fame announcer, Mike Lange.

As a peanut butter eater, who is coming to the end of the peanut butter in the jar, two things happen:

1) As you scrape your knife around the bottom inside edges of the jar, most of the peanut butter forms a little mountain of peanut butter in the CENTER of the bottom.  Thusly making it close to impossible to get it out.  You have to smash the little mountain against the side to get some on your knife, then you go back in and scrape and make ANOTHER mountain.

2) This one’s the big one, as you are scraping the bottom of ANY peanut butter jar, you end up with your knuckles covered in peanut butter from trying to work the knife down in.

This may sound piddly but, we can put a man on the moon, we have smart stoplights that know what time of day it is, we make virtual 1st-down lines on a televised football game, we have upside down ketchup, liquid soap containers AND soap containers that make foam, plastic coffee containers that turns out are the same containers for house paint but….. the peanut butter jar hasn’t changed since it moved from glass to plastic?  Hell, even BUTTER moved to a big ol’ tub!!!!!  When is the last time anyone changed ANYTHING about peanut butter other than making it HORRIBLE by trying to make it Low Sodium????????

Hey Jiff, Skippy, Peter Pan, Smuckers and the rest of you, it might be time to re-think this peanut butter container thing.  I’m tired of PBK’s (Peanut Butter Knuckles). Sure, the back of my hands look nice and young from all of the oil that has soaked into them every morning over the years.  But I’d REALLY like to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar without feeling like the banana on an Elvis Presley sandwich,  Ya Jagoffs!





The Gas Pump Clicking-thingy

As Pittsburghers, we expect a few basic things out of life:

1) Hot water in the shower every morning

2) Morning traffic reports “on the fours” and “weather on the 10’s”

3) Mr. McFeely will ALWAYS look the same

4) A minimum number of Mon-wharf flood warnings per year

One thing I would add to this list of things that we would LIKE TO TAKE FOR GRANTED… the clicking-thingy on the gas pump nozzle that lets ya  fill our tank WITH NO HANDS!

Seriously!!  It’s like waking up one morning and realizing that you suddenly don’t have a thumb and now you have nothing to sneak up  into the inside of your nostril to scrape out those dry night time “crusties.”

So I go to the local Sunoco.  I need a fill up. In the meantime, I need to make calls into the sports talk shows AND check twitter. But wait!  I have to mess around holding the stupid gas nozzle trigger… can’t dial, can’t sit in the car and talk.. gotta stand there and squeeze that thing for the entire 15.6 gallons (FYI the tank holds 16 gallons and YES..I do this so often that my gas tank light bulb is probably going to burn out some day.)

What kind of gas station is this?

Hey Sunoco, your gas station is SO high tech that the pump asks more questions than an CPA exam.  It has a car wash, a code reader to get a discount, a card-swiper to pay without going inside, a way to order a sandwich, blah, blah, blah…but no 20-cent piece of metal to hold the gas trigger? Forget about selling the next kind of scratch-off lottery ticket or 19 kinds of iced tea and Gatorade, get some clicking-thingies, Ya Jagoffs!


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So forward to all of your Pittsburgh friends and relatives! 

Who Put All Of the Pins In This Shirt?


So, I bought some dress shirts the other day. And, thankfully I am not on blood thinners.

Not only did I have to pull off all of the stickers, plastic collar button butterfly thingies, cardboard-under-the-collar hicky-ma-jigs but, I had to go on a “straight pin” exploration! The thing is full of them and, if you happen to put the shirt one, or, even worse tuck it in near your groin area, without finding all of the pins, there’s a pricking surprise.

Do we really need this many secretly placed straight pins to keep this shirt looking it’s best in the package? Can we not just fold them nicely and stack a 100 of them on top of each other which would nicely press the ones on the bottom? I mean, I have 4 dresser drawers stuffed tight with all of my free t-shirts and, the ones on the bottom of the drawer, look like they’ve been impeccably pressed at a dray cleaner with heavy starch!

Could we at least get a check list or a tag on the inside telling us where to find the pins or how many pins I might have to dive in and find?

Here’s the other thing, there AIN’T no machine that puts these pins in place. I’m thinking the shirt could be discounted by 50% if they saved the cost of the pins and putting them in.

Hey Macy’s, I didn’t think that I bought an acupuncture vest!

Thanks for making me go to my garage, weed through all of the inflatable rafts, skim boards, 12-year old snorkel masks and unused goggles to  dig out my once-a-year-Myrtle-Beach-Outer-Banks metal detector to scan my new shirt before I could wear it, Ya Jagoffs!