Inanimate Jagoffs

May 3 2012

The Jagoff Peanut Butter Jars!!!

 

 

If you’re a peanut butter eater, you will get this.  If you are NOT a peanut butter eater, you WON’T get this so hit SHARE,  move along and get ready for tomorow’s Quotes On The Bus post because we MUST get this post off of our chest.

As a peanut butter eater, who is coming to the end of the peanut butter in the jar, two things happen:

1) As you scrape your knife around the bottom inside edges of the jar, most of the peanut butter forms a little mountain of peanut butter in the CENTER of the bottom.  Thusly making it close to impossible to get it out.  You have to smash the little mountain against the side to get some on your knife, then you go back in and scrape and make ANOTHER mountain.

2) This one’s the big one, as you are scraping the bottom of ANY peanut butter jar, you end up with your knuckles covered in peanut butter from trying to work the knife down in.

TRUE STORY:  Heinz came out with the upside down ketchup bottle.  How?  Why?  Because when their researchers paid average families to let them take pictures of ketchup in their refrigerators, they found that an overwhelming number of people had the bottle stored upside down on the door shelf.  VOILA!!!  Innovation!!!!

In the meantime, for the last 1,982 years, every time the peanut butter gets low in the jar, getting the last of the peanut butter out it becomes this horrible hand-mess.  When is the last time anyone changed ANYTHING about peanut butter other that making it HORRIBLE by trying to make it Low Sodium????????  If some researcher photographed US making a fluffer-nutter sandwich some morning,  they would hand over a napkin and say, “You’re sloppy..you have STUFF all over your hand, ya Jagoff!”  We would turn to them and say, “”It’s been this way since William Pitt was first called a Jagoff!”

This may sound piddly but, we can put a man on the moon, hang people from a 70-story building to put humongous U.P.M.C letters on it, have smart stoplights that know what time of day it is, make virtual 1st-down lines on a TV football game, we  have the CMU GigaPan Camera, upside down ketchup, liquid soap containers AND soap containers that make foam, plastic coffee containers that turns out are the same containers for house paint but….. the peanut butter jar hasn’t changed since it moved from glass to plastic?  Hell, even BUTTER moved to a big ol’ tub!!!!!

Hey Jiff, Skippy, Peter Pan, Smuckers and the rest of you, it might be time to re-think this peanut butter container thing.  We’re tired of PBK’s (Peanut Butter Knuckles). Sure, the back of our hands look nice and young from all of the oil that has soaked into them every morning over the years.  But we’d REALLY like to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar without feeling like the banana on an Elvis Presley sandwich,  Ya Jagoffs!

 

Make sure you order your very own “Don’t Be A Jagoff” T-shirt. 

Proceeds go to Magee Women’s Research Foundation for Ovarian and Breast Cancer.

Click on the pic below for details.

 

 

 

 

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By Jagoff Catcher • Inanimate Jagoffs • 7 • Tags: , , ,

Mar 2 2012

Another “Inanimate” Jagoff…. KIND OF!

 

My CX6600 printer takes a T044120 black cartridge and the T044220, T044320, T044240 color cartridges.  WHAT?  I’m already confused!

But WAIT!

The local Office Depot didn’t have those specific cartridges so I had to revert to that booklet-thingy that hangs on the shelf near the printer cartridges, you know, the on-shelf-cross-reference-of compatible-ink-cartridge-codes-and-FAA-and-IRS-codes-catalogue, that reads like my high school trigonometry book.

Finally, I succumbed to the pressure and asked the manager for help.  Off the top of her head, she said the T044220 could be replaced by the generic BG77G1 or the store brand 8J4-MQ.  Aaaaaaaaaand if I purchase the two-pak of the generic BG77G1 cartridge and sign up for their “cartridge recycling” program, I can get a $50 Best Buy Gift Card.

(Oh LORD!!  How does Best Buy get involved with this? I’m soooooo confused!)

The store manager spewed those numbers and letters so fast, that some older lady, who was there looking for scrapbooking supplies, automatically yelled “BINGO!”

Let’s just be simple, WHY can’t printer cartridges just be called cartidge A, B, C and D… or just call them by name??  It’s the only time in MOST of our lives we will ever use the words Magenta and Cyan but that’s less confusing than A1234B-ZZ, Ya Jagoffs!

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By Jagoff Catcher • Inanimate Jagoffs, Uncategorized • 0

Feb 14 2012

It’s Girl Scout Cookie Season (Still On That New Years Resolution?)

It’s Girl Scout Cookie season, THANK GOD!!!  We thought we still had some left in the freezer from LAST season but, NOPE!  (And those Thin Mints are DEEE-lish frozen).

Guessing that we ate them all while watching all of the episodes of NBC’s ”The Biggest Loser!”  Yeppir, while we were watching those heavies get yelled at by the coaches, we were downing a sleeve of Thin Mints or a row of Samoas per episode WITH a glass or two of milk! (Skim of course)

As a matter of fact, the more the Biggest Loser coaches yelled, the more anxious we would get and we’d tap into the first couple of cookies from the next  sleeve or row!!!  And ya KNOW ya can’t EVER leave behind a partial sleeve or row of Girl Scout cookies!!!

Get this: after the “Biggest Loser” show was over, we would feel guilty and go a little more healthy – we would back off the heavy cookies and eat of few Trefoils.  Hey, they have no icing!  Guilt be gone!!!!

Maybe it’s time we write a diet book.  Diet books ALWAYS make MONEY.  Here’s how OURS would go:

Forward: By Jack LaLane’s Ghost Writer (Really a ghost)

Chapter 1: Don’t Eat that 5th Slice of Pizza!

Chapter 2:  Why Did You Eat the 5th Pizza? (Subtitle – Why Are You Even Reading This Book If Yer Not Gonna Listen?)

Chapter 3:  No More Snacking After 9 (A.M. that is!)

Chapter 4: Put Down the Remote and GET UP To Change the Channel Chubbins

Chapter 5: Take Yer Dirty Clothes Off of the Treadmill

Chapter 6: Have Some Pride, Step On Your Own Scale and Stand In Front Of Your Own Mirror!

Chapter 7:  How’s That Weigh Loss Resolution Going???

And, of course, the Closing Remarks would be one simple sentence, JUST PUSH AWAY FROM THE TABLE, YA JAGOFF!!!!!

OK.. remember to order those cookies!!!!!

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By Jagoff Catcher • Inanimate Jagoffs • 0 • Tags: , , ,

Jan 9 2012

When The Steelers Lose EVERYTHING Is A Jagoff. Including…..

The Steelers lose to the Broncos.  Phil Simms didn’t say anything out-of-the-ordinary stupid during the broadcast.  The NFL Refs didn’t do too bad on their calls during the game, or at least not enough to list them here and NFL Commissioner Roger Go-ta-hell well, he’s been on here too much.

The bottom line is, we needed someone or something to be mad at after the Steelers loss and this is it.  After a dismal loss like last night, EVERYTHING can be a Jagoff!  Including the gas pump at the local Sunoco self-serve station.

As Pittsburghers, we expect a few basic things out of life:

1) Hot water in the shower every morning

2) Morning traffic reports “on the fours” and “weather on the 10′s”

3) The Steelers making the playoffs

4) Mr. McFeely will ALWAYS look the same

5) A minimum number of Mon-wharf flood warnings per year

One thing we would add to this list of things that we would LIKE TO TAKE FOR GRANTED… the clicking-thingy on the gas pump nozzle that lets us to fill our tank WITH NO HANDS!

Seriously!!  It’s like waking up one morning and realizing that you suddenly don’t have a thumb and now you have nothing to sneak up  into the inside of your nostril to scrape out those dry night time “crusties.”

So we go to the local Sunoco.  We need a fill up. In the meantime, we need to make calls into the sports talk shows AND to our friends to debrief the Steelers’ loss. But wait!  We have to mess around holding the stupid gas nozzle trigger… can’t dial, can’t sit in the car and talk.. gotta stand their and squeeze that thing for the entire 15.6 gallons (FYI the tank holds 16 gallons and YES..we do this so often that our gas tank light bulb is probably going to burn out some day.)

What kind of gas station is this?

Yep.. this probably DOES seem petty.  But the Steelers just lost and EVERYTHING turns sour when that happens.

Hey Sunoco, your gas station is SO high tech that the pump asks more questions than an CPA exam.  It has a car wash, a code reader to get a discount, a card-swiper to pay without going inside, a way to order a sandwich, blah, blah, blah…but no 20-cent piece of metal to hold the gas trigger? Forget about selling the next kind of scratch-off lottery ticket or 19 kinds of iced tea and gatorade, get some clicking-thingies, Ya Jagoffs!

 

Don’t forget to click SHARE below… email, Facebook, Twitter.. we love an audience!!!!!!

So forward to all of your Pittsburgh friends and relatives! 

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By Jagoff Catcher • Inanimate Jagoffs • 0 • Tags: , , , ,

Jun 6 2011

Bathroom Jagoff!

I have “issues” with taking a crap in public restrooms.   I am no primadonna.  I just have issues and, when the need arises on a roadtrip, I have to seek out a clean, name brand hotel for a bathroom stop.

The other day, I went to the bathroom at a hotel while traveling.  It had an automatic light activator- turns on lights with movement.  This sounds like a good invention, unless you are a guy like me that uses your quiet time in the bathroom to get caught up on emails, twitter #ff’s and blog readings.

So I took a sitdown in this single toilet, Holiday Inn bathroom on this particular day.  There I was reading my twitter account and BOOM BOOM!  Out go the lights!

It took me a minute in the total to blackness to figure out what happened.  I then waived my hands in the air and, there ya go, the lights come on.  BUT, the bathroom was soooo small that my hand movement also activated automatic towel dispenser!!!!  So the lights were on, and now I had towels waiting for me.

As I continued reading my smart phone, the lights went out again and again, and again from the lack of movement.  I waived my hands in the air each time, on came the lights and out came more paper towels. 

After a while I thought I was actually being “jagged” (the Pittsburgh version of being PUNKED)!

Hey Holiday Inn bathroom light sensor, I don’t know ANYONE that break dances while they are going #2, and I am PERSONALLY not comfortable doing arm windmills during the process either – take a valium and relax, your off-and-on nonsense is burning more killowats than me sitting on the toilet-  until my legs go numb-  with the light on steady for 25 minutes, Ya JAGOFF!!

 If by chance you find a YouTube video of a guy sitting on a toilet, reading his smart phone, going in and out of total darkness and bright lights while he’s sitting with his suit pants down around his ankles and  intermittently waiving his hands, please let me know!!!!

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