Inanimate Jagoffs

The Gas Pump Clicking-thingy

As Pittsburghers, we expect a few basic things out of life:

1) Hot water in the shower every morning

2) Morning traffic reports “on the fours” and “weather on the 10′s”

3) Mr. McFeely will ALWAYS look the same

4) A minimum number of Mon-wharf flood warnings per year

One thing I would add to this list of things that we would LIKE TO TAKE FOR GRANTED… the clicking-thingy on the gas pump nozzle that lets ya  fill our tank WITH NO HANDS!

Seriously!!  It’s like waking up one morning and realizing that you suddenly don’t have a thumb and now you have nothing to sneak up  into the inside of your nostril to scrape out those dry night time “crusties.”

So I go to the local Sunoco.  I need a fill up. In the meantime, I need to make calls into the sports talk shows AND check twitter. But wait!  I have to mess around holding the stupid gas nozzle trigger… can’t dial, can’t sit in the car and talk.. gotta stand there and squeeze that thing for the entire 15.6 gallons (FYI the tank holds 16 gallons and YES..I do this so often that my gas tank light bulb is probably going to burn out some day.)

What kind of gas station is this?

Hey Sunoco, your gas station is SO high tech that the pump asks more questions than an CPA exam.  It has a car wash, a code reader to get a discount, a card-swiper to pay without going inside, a way to order a sandwich, blah, blah, blah…but no 20-cent piece of metal to hold the gas trigger? Forget about selling the next kind of scratch-off lottery ticket or 19 kinds of iced tea and Gatorade, get some clicking-thingies, Ya Jagoffs!


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So forward to all of your Pittsburgh friends and relatives! 

Who Put All Of the Pins In This Shirt?


So, I bought some dress shirts the other day. And, thankfully I am not on blood thinners.

Not only did I have to pull off all of the stickers, plastic collar button butterfly thingies, cardboard-under-the-collar hicky-ma-jigs but, I had to go on a “straight pin” exploration! The thing is full of them and, if you happen to put the shirt one, or, even worse tuck it in near your groin area, without finding all of the pins, there’s a pricking surprise.

Do we really need this many secretly placed straight pins to keep this shirt looking it’s best in the package? Can we not just fold them nicely and stack a 100 of them on top of each other which would nicely press the ones on the bottom? I mean, I have 4 dresser drawers stuffed tight with all of my free t-shirts and, the ones on the bottom of the drawer, look like they’ve been impeccably pressed at a dray cleaner with heavy starch!

Could we at least get a check list or a tag on the inside telling us where to find the pins or how many pins I might have to dive in and find?

Here’s the other thing, there AIN’T no machine that puts these pins in place. I’m thinking the shirt could be discounted by 50% if they saved the cost of the pins and putting them in.

Hey Macy’s, I didn’t think that I bought an acupuncture vest!

Thanks for making me go to my garage, weed through all of the inflatable rafts, skim boards, 12-year old snorkel masks and unused goggles to  dig out my once-a-year-Myrtle-Beach-Outer-Banks metal detector to scan my new shirt before I could wear it, Ya Jagoffs!

It’s Girl Scout Cookie Season (Still On That New Years Resolution?)

It’s almost Girl Scout Cookie season, THANK GOD!!!  I thought I still had some left in the freezer from LAST season but, NOPE!  (And those Thin Mints are DEEE-lish frozen).

Guessing that I ate them all while watching all of the episodes of NBC’s ”The Biggest Loser!”  Yeppir, while I was watching those heavies get yelled at by the coaches, I was downing a sleeve of Thin Mints or a row of Samoas per episode WITH a glass or two of milk! (Skim of course)

As a matter of fact, the more the Biggest Loser coaches yelled, the more anxious I’d get and tap into the first couple of cookies from the next  sleeve or row!!!  And ya KNOW ya can’t EVER leave behind a partial sleeve or row of Girl Scout cookies!!!

After the “Biggest Loser” show was over, I would feel guilty and go a little more healthy – I would back off the heavy cookies and eat of few Trefoils.   Guilt be gone cuz they have no icing!!!!

Maybe it’s time I write a diet book.  Diet books ALWAYS make MONEY.  Here’s how mine would go:

Forward: By Jack LaLane’s Ghost Writer (Really a ghost)

Chapter 1: Don’t Eat that 5th Slice of Pizza!

Chapter 2:  Why Did You Eat the 5th Pizza? (Subtitle – Why Are You Even Reading This Book If Yer Not Gonna Listen?)

Chapter 3:  No More Snacking After 9 (A.M. that is!)

Chapter 4: Put Down the Remote and GET UP To Change the Channel Chubbins

Chapter 5: Take Yer Dirty Clothes Off of the Treadmill

Chapter 6: Have Some Pride, Step On Your Own Scale and Stand In Front Of Your Own Mirror!

Chapter 7:  How’s That Weigh Loss Resolution Going???

And, of course, the Closing Remarks would be one simple sentence, JUST PUSH AWAY FROM THE TABLE, YA JAGOFF!!!!!

OK.. remember to order those cookies!!!!!