Halloween Jagoffs

Halloween Jagoffs

YJ-Halloween

Before I start, remember that kid Halloween gag:

Tell someone to hold their tongue and say, “My dad sells SHIPS down at the SHIP yard.”

Gather yer pillow cases, its time for trick-or-treating!!! A list of Halloween Jags is below. But here are some Halloween traditions from my kid days that I am glad are gone!

Bobbing for Apples
Just what I wanna do… dunk my open mouth into a tub of warm water that’s been tainted with Halloween make-up, human spit and hair grease from the nine people at the party that weren’t creative enough to think up a better costume than the standard GREASER outfit with cuffed blue jeans and a white t-shirt with rolled up sleeves.  Besides, who in the “SOAPWORD” wants an apple on Halloween? I want SNICKERS AND SMARTIES!

Hint to Halloween gag above “My dad thells THITS down at the THIT yard.”

Plastic molded masks with elastic string:
The eye holes were NEVER big enough. I had to push the mask up against the bottom of my chin to line up the eye holes so I could navigate the neighborhood steps. And when I did that, all the mouth-spit and condensation, that built up on the inside of my mask, smeared all over my face.  Then, it never failed, halfway through trick-or-treating, the stupid elastic string would BREAK right at that little staple on the side. Then my dad would try and tie the elastic string to itself IN THE DARK!

One-Size-Fits-All Pull-On Costumes:
The same costumes that came with those stupid plastic masks. You pulled them on over your legs, up over your body and tied a string behind your neck. The legs of these things were WAY too long so my mother rolled them up (cuz that’s what Batman REALLY looks like, right?) Every time my heels caught on the leg cuff walking up steps, I’d CHOKE myself!

And finally, to those 18-year olds who are still trick-or-treating, to those 15-16 year olds that only put on one of those tuxedo t-shirts or your high school football team uniform as a costume.. some go ALL out and put on the black-ey stuff, to those moms who carry a 10-month old baby around in a costume (who looks really cute) but collect a queen-sized pillowcase full of candy “for the little guy,” to those parents who let your daughters and sons dress up like hookers and pimps and to those people who pile in cars and drive around to 4 different neighborhoods got get more candy… you’re spoiling the fun…stay home and leave the trick-or-treating to the little kids, Ya Jagoffs!!!

**By the way, whomever is watching you read this is wondering what you’re doin’ holding your tongue, mumbling the words “My dad thells THITS down at the THIT yard” and giggling.

 

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One More Halloween Jagoff – (This One Is OUR Therapy)

We always say that this blog is a therapeutic outlet – express your anger here and you will sleep better at night AND it could keep you from being fired for telling your co-worker what you really think of their lunch room eating habits.

I love Halloween but I’ve been carrying the emotional scars, for years, caused by an older lady in the neighborhood we grew up in.  And, like yesterday’s post, this is a MORE ACCEPTABLE post for Halloween than posting about the parents, who let their kids trick-or-treat sooooooooooooooooo long, in the rain, last night, that they had to dump their 4-year old’s treat back into a go cart 6 times!!!!

It’s also easier than posting about those kid’s one-size-fits-all costumes that come with those stupid plastic masks.  As a kid, you pulled the costume on over your legs, up over your coat and tied a string behind your neck to hold it on.  The legs of the costume were WAY too long so my mother rolled them up at the ankles (cuz that’s what Batman REALLY looks like, right?)  Every time my heels caught on the leg cuff, I’d CHOKE myself!

So back to getting some Halloween emotional scars off of my chest: I swear that this older lady in our neighborhood was Roger Goodell’s mother.  She just LOVED to torture people, ESPECIALLY kids, without reason.

She would give out Huggies juice barrels and cans of soda as Halloween treats.  Do you know how HEAVY those things get at about your 50th house?  Actually, I think she even high-dropped those cans into our bags from the top of an 8-foot ladder to increase the impact. (I couldn’t really tell since I couldn’t see through my one-size-fits-all mask.)

So this goes out to the neighbor lady: not sure where you got those ANVIL-WEIGHTED-DRINKS, Mrs. Whomever-You-Were, but punishing us by waiting down our candy bags was evil, ALMOST Goodell-ian, Ya Jagoff!

Don’t forget to go buy your very own “Don’t Be a Jagoff!” T-shirt here!

A Halloween Jagoff – Who Is Grendon Bailie ?

Hold your hand up high if you know who Grendon Bailie is.  (We’re thanking God that our blog is not outfitted with smell-sensing-technology.  A little touch of deodorant would be helpful to some of you.)

For those NOT in the know, Grendon Bailie was the kid, in Seattle, that wore a Steelers jersey to school during Seahawks Team Spirit Day and was sent home by the principal. (Some of you are going, “aaaaahhhhh yeaaaaaah!” about this AND the deodorant comment.)

This guy, at a local company, dressed in his Packers stuff for the office Halloween Party.  And there ya have it.  Our very first Halloween Jagoff.

Big guy, you have guts.  The same guts as Grendon Bailie. And we respect that!  But ya know you’re gonna have to take SOME heat!  (Maybe Grendon will show up some day and autograph something for you some day.)

In the meantime, we HAVE to pick on ya because your story is a helluva lot easier to pick on than those Jagoff parents that allowed their elementary school-aged kids to trick-or-treat, last night, dressed up as hookers, pimps and Jersey Shore characters.

Ok, so you have HUGE cheese balls to come to work, in Pittsburgh, dressed like that.  In the meantime, take your Brett-Favre-Texting-Aaron-Rogers-Is-Still-An-Altar-Boy-Lambeau-Ice-Box-Lambeau-Leaping self home (then Google Grendon Bailie!)  Hopefully you did not win first prize and take a Lambeau Leap into your boss’s cubicle.  One lesson we know you have NOW learned, is, be careful who takes your picture at work!!

And by the way, NOBODY, with a normal testosterone level, TUCKS IN a football jersey, YA JAGOFF!!!!!

 

Thanks to Twitter Follower @SteelerNation77 for being our

Honorary Jagoff Catcher of Halloween!!!

Halloween Note:  Anyone remember those cheap plastic masks that could cut your eye out if they cracked?  The eye holes on those things were NEVER big enough.   I had to push the mask up against the bottom of my chin to line up the eye holes so I could navigate the neighborhood steps.  And when I did that, all the mouth-spit and condensation, that built up on the inside of my mask, smeared all over my face.  YEEECK!!  Then, it never failed, halfway through trick-or-treating, the stupid elastic string would BREAK right at that little staple on the side.