Mike Buzzelli

Pittsburgh Weather N’at

As mentioned last week, we are in Hawaii to be part of a social media conference in Honolulu.

So we have guest blogs all week.

Here’s Today’s Author Michael Buzzelli

If you live in Pittsburgh, you really can’t complain about the weather and get away with it. Everyone will call attention to your bitching. However, I want to cite the Pittsburgh Meteorologists as Jagoffs of the month.

Picture it; seventy degrees on a bright sunny day in early October. I took a jaunt through the Wingfield Pines, a designated wetlands in Upper St. Clair. I returned home, flipped on the TV, and the WPXI chief meteorologist Stephen Cropper said, “It’s a gorgeous day out there, but it’s gonna get cold. We’ll have all the details at six.”

I didn’t want to hear about the cold front coming, the near freezing temperatures. I was enjoying a beautiful day when I was abruptly told it may be my last one.

Dude, live in the moment!

To quote the hugely popular nerd-fest, Game of Thrones, we all know that “Winter is coming!”  I just don’t want to hear about it. Am I a lonely ostrich who wants to stick his head in the sand? If that sand is at the beach; well, then, yes.

Winter is coming and short of moving, there is nothing I can do about it. Sad face. The best I can do is hope for a brief one, a mild one. I want a winter with just enough snow so that I can go skiing and/or tubing in Seven Springs. Please God, no Snowageddon, where I’m not standing in my driveway, shovel in hand, with snow up to my nipples.

I think it’s pretty darn jag-offy to pee on my perfect day. Yeah, I’m talking directly to you, WPXI Severe Weather Team. Is there no WPXI Nice Day Weather Team!?!

Chief Meteorologist Stephen Cropper, this one is for you, Ya Jagoff!

 

A little bit about Michael Buzzelli:

Author and stand up comedian Mike Buzzelli has performed at a variety of venues around the country, including the Comedy Store, The Ice House and the Improv. He writes for a variety of newspapers and websites. His humor book, Below Average Genius, a compilation of his weekly humor columns from the Observer-Reporter in Washington County is available on Amazon.com.

Jagoff? I just play one on TV.

One more “guest blog” as we give some Pittsburgh Comedians

a chance to express themselves!

By: Mike Buzzelli (Pittsburgh Comedian)

 

This summer, I was performing in a seated reading for a local playwright’s new project (Brian Edward’s “The Post-Mortem Crisis of William Shakespeare”).

Somehow I got cast as Elizabeth X, an all-knowing drag  queen who tells the main character, William Shakespeare, to get his act together (so to speak). Since it was a play reading, I didn’t have to dress up. I wore jeans and a polo shirt (my regular wardrobe). No wigs. No makeup. No dress. Thank God. I have never worn a dress. Not a kilt. Not even a grass skirt at a luau.

The playwright suggested I got over-the-top with it. I did the entire performance as if I were Blanche Devereaux.” Picture it, a big hairy guy pretending to be a Golden Girl. I have to say, it was a hoot. I had a ball, and the audience reaction to the entire play was fantastic.

We’re actually not at the strange part of the story, yet.

I was dashing from my day job to rehearsal. I got into downtown about 20 minutes before my call time (call time is a pretentious way actors say, “The time I had to be there”).

Since I was coming straight from work, I was starving. I ran into the Jimmy John’s Gourmet Sandwich Shop next to the building where the 12 Peers theater is located (Liberty and Fifth). It was a decent sandwich…but I think calling it ‘gourmet’ was a stretch. It didn’t come with artisanal goat cheese, Kalamata tapenade, red pepper remoulade nor was it on a toasted brioche. It was just a sandwich.

While I was chomping down on my alleged gourmet sammie, some guy smiled at me. He turned to me and said, “You look like an actor.”

I was flattered because I was about to go read some lines at the theater next door. I wanted to say, “I am an actor.” But I’m not really, I’m a columnist, a comedian and author, but I am not an actor. Ask anyone who has ever seen me on television or in a movie (I only have a few credits on my IMDB page and they were mostly non-speaking roles).

I politely said, “Thank you.”

He looked back at me and said, “It’s not really a compliment. It’s more of a statement.”

He giveth and taketh away.

When I went to throw my sandwich wrapper in the garbage (I reiterate noting ‘gourmet’ comes in a wrapper), I kept hoping he meant Vincent D’Onofrio (I have a slight resemblance to him, but I’m much heavier). I convinced myself it was Beast from “Beauty in the Beast.” That would have definitely NOT been a compliment.

It had to be a fat guy. The other choices were Wayne Knight or Jason Alexander, since Dom Deluise is dead. The only other fat actor left was Rosie O’Donnell, and I want to reiterate I was not wearing makeup or a dress (not that Rosie does either, actually).

I think I’m better off not knowing.

“It’s not really a compliment” is a jagoffy thing to say. Yeah, I’m using jagoff as an adjective. Someone who says “It’s not a compliment” is full of jagoffery. It was pretty much like saying, “You look like some ugly/fat guy I saw in a movie once.”

Dude, if you’re out there reading this, you know you’re a jagoff, ya jagoff!

 

My book, Below Average Genius, a compilation of my humor columns at the Observer-Reporter is listed as a HOT NEW RELEASE IN HUMOR at Amazon.
A Hot New Release sounds dirty
Click the pic to get more info

 Anyone who makes a legit comment below before 11pm, 8/31/2012 is eligible for a raffle of a signed copy of the book!