Drunk Jagoffs

St. Patrick’s Day Jagoffs!

Saturday we put a Facebook and Twitter call out for St. Patrick’s Day Jagoffs.  Our followers did not disappoint.  Above are two of the pics we received.

The top photo came all the way from Los Angeles and here’s the note that explains it:

This guys was challenging his friend to a leg wrestling match……at 715am.

7:15am, and he’s already on the floor challenging someone to leg wrestle which, sounds a lot like ANOTHER infamous drinking game, that SEEMS like good idea when you and your buddy are drunk, called, “Let’s see who can punch the hardest.“ THAT game usually ends with two best-buddies in the hospital getting stitches in their respective faces.  And if you wnt proof that this guy IS drunk this early, NOTE, he’s sitting on a bar floor that NO DOBUT has seen it’s fair share of errant natural and manufactured fluids and other substances!
Then we have a pic from outside Pittsburgh.  Here’s the note:
This man was WASTED outside of the Tilted Kilt last night at 6pm!!!!! The fire dept, EMS, and police were there with his drunk ARSE.
There ya go….. a nice, sunny day to relax on a bench but you drank soooo much that your body can support itself about as well as a rubber band standing on the Mt. Washington overlook deck in a 60mph wind gust. You’re so far drunk that the fire department and EMS had to come and babysit you while other people took your picture!!!!!  (We were nice enough to cover your face for two reasons, public drunkenness and, that fact that when you tell your wife the ambulance picked you up outside of Bettis’ Sports Bar, nobody can prove you were REALLY at the Tilted Kilt checking out scantily clad 21 year olds!)
St. Patty’s day, or is it St. Paddy’s Day????  Well, either way, it did not disappoint us for some entertainment and neither did our followers.
Hey Floor Boy, you MAY gave been wanting to leg-wrestle but let’s be more reasonable and say you were trying to do a horizontal version of River Dance!  And Bench Boy, well, it’s never a party until the Fire Department is called, right??
And to you both, what is it about St. Patty’s day that makes ya feel you’re a bottomless beer pit with a liver the size of Connecticut, Ya Jagoffs?
Thanks to these Honorary Jagoff Catchers, Bill H. of Cheap Shots Comedy Group for the L.A. hook-up and  “Julie” for the Pittsburgh pic. 
You can see some of our other Drunk Jagoff posts here.
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Deck The Drunks With Bows of Holly (Cuz It Makes For GREAT Internet Pics)

 

You knew we had to get at least one submission of a New Year’s Jagoff!

This may look like one of those silly internet pics that get passed around with a note, that says something like, “This is my sister’s friend’s, friend’s, second cousin on her mother-in-law’s side.”

It’s not.  It’s fresh from a couple of Pittsburghers-at-heart in North Carolina.  And the pic is from the New Year’s Eve celebration at Kennedy’s Irish Pub.

Let’s set the time-line:

December 31, 2011, 9:30pm “Drunk Guy” gets a shower, throws some mousse in his hair, puts on a nice “I’m-in-a-laddy-dazzling-party-mood” sweater and adds a lady-dazzling scarf around his neck

December 31, 2011, 10pm (approx) “Drunk Guy gets to Kennedy’s Pub and realizes it’s all you can eat and drink for $60 and he says, “Line up 7 shots, 8 beers and 2 apple-tinis.  Me and my scarf are gonna put a hurtin’ on this place!

December 31, 2011, 11pm (approx) “Drunk Guy” meets “Bill The Jagoff Catcher.”  And Bill is LITTERALLY a jagoff “Catcher” because he’s holding on to “Drunk Guy” trying to keep him from melting into his own drool as he is falling asleep standing up– but he’s still SWAGGIN his lady-dazzling scarf

January 1, 2012, 00:004 (approx) “Drunk Guy” takes a wrestling 10-count in a chair and he has now traded in his lady-dazzling scarf for a  Christmas Wreath (Is that more lady-dazzling than a scarf?)

Hey “Drunk Guy,” don’t be upset that someone sent us these photos.  Look at these photos as our Jagoff Catchers teaching you a lesson through our previously announced Behavioral Change Methodology Phone App called, TPE (Total Public Embarrassment).  In the meantime, we have a few New Years Resolution suggestions for you:

Resolve to throw away that scarf (It’s NOT really lady-dazzling.)

Resolve to get yourself a  puppy.  (They work waaaaaay better at lady-dazzling than a scarf and, if you get drunk, a puppy won’t pose you for silly pictures with wreaths.)

Resolve to only drink ginger ale and grape juice at any All-You-Can-Drink specials (especially if you decide to stick with that lady-dazzling scarf routine)

And finally, remember, it’s ALWAYS better to be telling the stories about “what happened at the party last night” as opposed to being the TOPIC of “what happened at the party last night.”

Hey “Drunk Guy,” we’ll say this softly just in case you’re finally waking up to read this and your head feels like a 50-lb. bag of potatoes, “Happy New Year, Ya Jagoff!”

 

Thanks to Laurie H. and Bill H. our Jagoff Catchers for this post. 

You may recognize Bill from one of our previous post pics.

And don’t forget to check out our on-line store of Jagoff items. 

Proceeds of the t-shirts go to Magee Women’s Research Foundation for Breast and Ovarian Cancer

Click the pic below.

 

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There’s Somethin’ About The South Side!!!!

Click Picture For Story

SPECIAL THURSDAY POST!!!!

We all know that the South Side has a bit of a reputation for stories related to invibing in alcohol.  From people peeing on porches, sleeping on cars, yelling all through the night for their “Mama,” alleged firefighter fights but, THIS might be our favorite.

We all ALSO know how nerve-racking it can be to be walking into a new school or new job.  It rumbles the bowels of even the most hearty of men and women (Like a Sheetz Burritto at 4am).

Seems that 24 year-old Brett Nelson, FROM THE SOUTH SIDE, got himself a spot in the most recent City of Pittsburgh Police recruit class.  We’re guessing he was a little nervous about class because he showed up, for the first day of training, with a blood alcohol level of more than TWICE the legal limit.  He was fired on the spot!!

Bretty-boy, don’t you know that the ONLY time alcohol and firearms are mixed is at DEER HUNTING CAMP?????

Well, our Jagoff Investigative Reporter sat down with Never-Better-Bretter and, it turns out, he had a GREAT alibi:  He saw on TV how the police recruits have to be tasered themselves in order to be signed-off on using a taser gun - so that they can understand the feeling.  Well, Never-Better-Bretter said he thought the same applied to drunken drivers – you can’t arrest one if you don’t know what drunk driving feels like!  He was looking for some EXTRA CREDIT BROWNY POINTS!!!

Brett, some students in first grade pee or poop their pants on the first day of kindergarten but they survive other than some name-calling through their entire elementary school carreer.  It would have been a WHOLE lot better if you just would have gone in sober-and-nervous and soiled your drawers vs. being (HICCUP) drunk!  To put it another way, better to live life employed as Officer Poopy-pants for the next 20 years than being referred to as “The Unemployed Neighborhood Crime Watch Guy Who Sits On A Chair On The Sidewalk In Front of His House On The South Side Every Day Scratching Himself Cuz He Was Drunk When He Tried To Become A Cop“  Ya Jagoff!!!

 

Credit for this story goes to Honorary Jagoff Catcher and Facebook Follower, Tom Link.

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Hey You Jagoff, Why Don’t You Turn On Your “TAXI” Light?

This story was ALMOST missed.  I heard it on KDKA-TV as I was getting out of the shower, knew it was perfect, but had nothing with which to make a note.  Thankfully I was able to get a memory refresher from the fine folks at KDKA-TV.  To insure that this NEVER happens again,  we have now purchased Crayola Bath Tub markers (64 pack).

So you’ve seen the Sears Optical TV commercial where the lady jumps into a police car mistaking it for a taxi, RIGHT?  (Click the video below to see the commercial if you need a refresher.)

Well, in a “real-life-immitates-TV-commercial” story,  this unamed Indiana County guy, ALLEGEDLY, is drunk and he actually does this - hails an Indiana taxi which turns out to be an unmarked police car!  No word on if the guy tipped the driver OR if the said driver gave the man a nice set of silver-plated wristbands.

Hey “Indiana Doe,” the good news is you didn’t drink and drive.  On the downside, we’re hearing UNFORTUNATE rumors that you were cracking yourself up, in the “taxi,” with all of your “I’m-glad-those-stupid-donut-eaters-didn’t-catch-me” stories, Ya Jagoff!!!

NOTE: BTW, our first thought was, “Rural Indiana has taxis?????”

 

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