Criminal Jagoffs

So, Why NOT Impersonate a Police Officer?


In the picture above is Justin #1 (burgundy shirt) and Justin #2, police officer holding on to Justin #1.

As it turns out, Justin #1 ALLEGEDLY got on line and met with a woman saying he was a police officer…and not just ANY police officer.  He said he was police officer, i.e, #Justin #2.  All of this took place in the tiny little town of Mount Pleasant Borough.. total population.. um… some number small enough that pretty much everyone knows everyone else.  Ya know, a perfect place to impersonate someone from the same town (allegedly).

See story on WTAE website.

At press time, our SJIU (Special Jagoff Investigative Unit) had not confirmed if the suspect was in possession of one of those big rolls of sticker “Junior Police Officer” badges at the time of his arrest.

When police officer Justin (#2 in our story) started getting texts from said female about their romantic encounters, he thought that to be a little odd and a little disturbing.  That’s when it all came to a head and now Justin #1 is being charged with impersonating a police officer and bunches of other stuff.  The cool part is, on the WTAE video,  when asked by the reporter Beau Berman about what’s going on, #Justin #1 says “I’m just trying to figure out why I’m here.

C’mon #Justin #1… don’t you watch the TV?  The standard trendy response that would make sense would be “I will be vindicated once ALL of the information comes out.”  That’s like in the free defense tips 101 handbook for crissakes!

Well, looks like ya got some time to think about what your Halloween costume is going to be this year.  Think you’ll go as a cop… or maybe even a slutty cop?

Dude…just guarantee us that, with that physique, you don’t go as the Village People cop!  I mean, I’m no Ken Doll with my physique BUT, you half naked in a Village People cop outfit would be even a more heinous crime…especially if someone would have had to review the pictures.  Seems, with that physique, you COULD impersonate a male stripper though.. TRAGIC MIKE!

Good luck impersonating a prisoner, Ya Jagoff!

Big Mac Fight?


Let’s get this one over quickly.. since its about fast food and fast food gives most people intestinal discomfort as it moves “quickly” through the intestinal tract.

Police said Thomas Veres, 47, became irate when he returned home Wednesday to find that  another man, 58, had eaten three Big Macs without saving one for him.

See full story on

“Irate” in the WPXI story is defined as beating the other guy up and ransacking his home.

Thomas, Thomas, Thomas….seriously?

If this was a story where the other guy had eaten that one, little, crunchy, very last Micky D’s french fry chip thingy at the bottom of the bag, I could see the anger.  No jury of french fry eating peers would ever convict you.  Just be sure they are not Burger King french fry eaters.. because those people have zero taste in french fry choices and would not be able to empathize.

Thomas, you thought that you should punish him for eating 3 Big Macs?  Don’t you think that the 2-day long “natural” colonoscopy that would result from eating 3 Big Macs would be more than enough of a beating or punishment?  I mean, if you’d have just force-fed him some jalapeno, or better yet, ghost peppers, that would have been as close to legal capital punishment as you could get once his body started “cleansing” as a result of downing 3 Big Macs for gawd sakes!

Now YOUR going to jail and its YOUR butt that’s gonna hurt, Ya Jagoff!


Dumb Criminal Jag–Meyersdale Lottery Scammer



A 54-year old woman decided that she should help herself to some lottery tickets while she was at work ALLEGEDLY! Full story on

It’s kind of just like when you decide to take one of the pens, sharpies, an envelope or a pack of paper from work (based on the thought that they will never miss that one little thingy).

But it’s not EXACTLY just like when you decide to take one of those pens, sharpies or an envelope or pack of paper from work because Lottery-Linda ALLEGEDLY helped herself to $50,000 worth of lottery tickets from work.  Something that’s tracked a little more strictly than the work-place thievery pen that is currently in your kitchen junk drawer.

I have to tell ya, I realize that I’m no MENSA candidate but, one thing would be obvious to me if I was a cashier: I’d be smart enough to realize that, when balancing things out at the end of my shift, I should probably have dollar bills in my cash register that would be equal to the number of sequentially-numbered-state-regulated-closely-tracked-and-traced scratch off lottery tickets missing.  Oh, sure.. I might have a bad day and be off by a buck or two every once in a while.  But, to be off 500-600 tickets a day 30 days in a row?  AND these mishaps only happened on the shifts that I worked?

The final “Drop the mic” point…. she knew that there were video surveillance cameras in the store.

Linda, Linda, Lottery-Linda….what were you thinking?  Did you think that lottery tickets were accounted for like those grocery store produce/vegetable bags that come on a gigantic roll?  Not a soul realizes that I go through 50-75 of those things before I finally get my 4 apples in one that I can open!

The police are now on to ya.  Your name is now all over the news and your boss is now mad at ya. But… you know who is REALLY going to be the maddest?  The relatives and friends that exchanged gifts with you!  You know, the ones that gave you some kind of $40 gift card or purse or sweater… and now know that the 40 lottery scratch offs that you stuffed into that la cucaracha musical card for THEIR gift…you didn’t pay for!

Good luck in jail or whatever happens… and.. if you need to raise funds for your defense, since you probably have extensive experience in how to scratch off that gray stuff from the tickets, we suggest that you produce an official, autographed and endorsed Lottery-Linda Scratch-off tool hickey-ma-doo.

You’d be a millionaire within months, in a LEGAL way, Ya Jagoff!