Criminal Jagoffs

A “Vibrating” Bank Robber?

YJ-Vibrator

If you’re new here, we post stories of Pittsburghers that are embarrassing the rest of us.  This is that.

Below are portions of the article about this story on the NBC News.com website along with my commentary.

Aaron Stein, 35, faces a preliminary hearing June 25 in Allegheny County Magisterial District Court on nine felony counts including aggravated assault, robbery, threatening to use a weapon of mass destruction and the unusual charge of possessing a facsimile weapon of mass destruction, according to court documents.

None of these has a penalty more severe than the ASS-beating he’s gonna get for taking his wife/girlfriend’s vibrator. And think of how cranky she’s gonna be if she used that thing for stress relief.

A bomb squad blew up a briefcase and other suspicious items in a Pittsburgh man’s car Monday after he robbed a bank, police said.

With a sex toy. Specifically, a vibrator.

Word has it he hesitated on the bank robbery 3 times before he executed it.  He kept thinking his phone was vibrating every time he started the process and stopped to see who was texting him.

The robber drove off in a white Toyota, which was pulled over on a ramp to northbound Interstate 79 by Robinson Township police, Sumpter said.

Officers found money in a garbage bag, and beneath the front passenger seat, they found the device Stein is accused of having used in the bank robbery — “a makeshift box he made out of a box, black tape, vibrator and cellphone,” Sumpter said.

See… he easily could have been confused on what was vibrating.. he had the cellphone in with the vibrator.  Also, he had the vibrator in a “makeshift box.” (Insert you’re favorite sheepish grin and “That’s what she said” comment here)

A bomb squad dog checked the device and a briefcase that officers found in the car. Both were detonated as a precaution, police said.

They blew up the vibrator?  Oh Aaron….I’m sure you recall what it was like growing up when you took our mother’s good skillet or pan out to the sandbox and your buddy Phil broke it. You might wanna ask for jail time so that you don’t have to face your significant other who’s vibrator is now blown to smithereens and NOT because she was gettin’ all freaky by trying to hook it up to a car battery, Ya Jagoff!

How Toilet Paper Tracks to Thief (Not DNA)

YJ-ToiletPaperPizza

Yeah… but the linkage via the toilet paper was not how you might suspect like DNA or stuck to the heel of his shoe.

Details are: (See full WTAE Story)

29 year old Eric Frey ALLEGEDLY hands the pizza guy a note announcing his intentions of wanting $300 and that he had a gun.

Eric Frey gets caught by police still in the pizza shop because they’re fast to respond to a panic button notification.. well, faster than the pizza shop person was at reading Eric’s note on the toilet paper.

Eric has the perfect alibi, “______ made me do it!”  Maybe a large, bearded man.  Which is probably less frightening then a large, bearded woman.

The problem is, ya know when you write with a pen on something soft, how the impression bleeds through? Well, guess what the police found on the E-man’s TP at home?

HINT: It was not the winter emergency shopping list of  more toilet paper, milk and bread.  But the total of cash needed was right on target, $300!

E-man, (calling ya that cuz we feel like we could be buds) too bad you didn’t go to Catholic grade school with me and take Sister Lucy’s hand-writing class.  The police would have never been able to track ya because, in her writing class, she would pull the short hairs on the back of your neck if she found you pressing too hard.

And we’re not ones to do stupid jokes so we will refrain from stating that, it looks like you made an IMPRESSION on the cops and, on good behavior, perhaps you can get your record WIPED clean but, right now, you’re kind of in a pile of CRAP. Where in the world did you learn that write-on-TP trick?  For crissakes, do you know how much I got yelled at, as a kid, for using a half roll of toilet paper because I didn’t want to get a speck of poop on my fingers? My mother would have you water-boarded for wasting toilet paper on a silly robbery note!

Next robbery job—–go steal some photo copy paper from your job or the local library so that you have some legit scratch paper at home, Ya Jagoff!

 

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Above the Fries_Cover2

Afterhours Golf Cart Madness

YJ-GolfCarts

Well, you know what it’s like, right?  You’re hanging with your buddies. A few drinks happen. Ya start to argue about the Steelers’ chances in the 2015 Super Bowl, have heated discussions about the Pens new coach and how argue how one if you’s an #@$hole because he thinks Pedro Alvarez has to go.  Before that conversation turns into a fight, you change the conversation with the words:

Ya know what we should do?

And then everything that follows is  usually as series of bad choices but, heck, what have you got to lose BECAUSE YOU’RE IN THE 11TH GRADE!!!!

But these guys, mid-20’s guys thought it was a good idea to ALLEGEDLY have a few drinks and take some golf carts for a ride at 10:30-ish at night.  At some point, they get out on the road, crash and…..the best part…. a neighborhood guy chases them down by RUNNING!!! Haaaaaaa… haaaaaa….(pee trickle)…..snort… haaaaa.

See WPXI Story from Cara Sapida (@WPXICara)

This turns out to be one of those embarrassing stories that you and your buddies make a pact that you’ll NEVER tell anyone what happened EXCEPT for the fact that……the older neighbor chased your 24-year old ARSE down and called the police and then somehow it got on the news.

Boys, since ya seem to like drinking and driving golf carts (which is what most people do despite the fact that they call it GOLFING) here’s a joke you can tell the boys during your hot-dog turn the next time you’re out.

Q: Why does a golfer where two pair of pants?

A: In case he gets a hole in one!”

What’s that you say?  That joke is childish?

To that I say, no more childish than 3 mid-20 dudes who let a few beers ALLEGEDLY convince them that joy-riding in golf carts 10:30 at night is good idea, Ya Jagoffs!