Criminal Jagoffs

How Toilet Paper Tracks to Thief (Not DNA)

YJ-ToiletPaperPizza

Yeah… but the linkage via the toilet paper was not how you might suspect like DNA or stuck to the heel of his shoe.

Details are: (See full WTAE Story)

29 year old Eric Frey ALLEGEDLY hands the pizza guy a note announcing his intentions of wanting $300 and that he had a gun.

Eric Frey gets caught by police still in the pizza shop because they’re fast to respond to a panic button notification.. well, faster than the pizza shop person was at reading Eric’s note on the toilet paper.

Eric has the perfect alibi, “______ made me do it!”  Maybe a large, bearded man.  Which is probably less frightening then a large, bearded woman.

The problem is, ya know when you write with a pen on something soft, how the impression bleeds through? Well, guess what the police found on the E-man’s TP at home?

HINT: It was not the winter emergency shopping list of  more toilet paper, milk and bread.  But the total of cash needed was right on target, $300!

E-man, (calling ya that cuz we feel like we could be buds) too bad you didn’t go to Catholic grade school with me and take Sister Lucy’s hand-writing class.  The police would have never been able to track ya because, in her writing class, she would pull the short hairs on the back of your neck if she found you pressing too hard.

And we’re not ones to do stupid jokes so we will refrain from stating that, it looks like you made an IMPRESSION on the cops and, on good behavior, perhaps you can get your record WIPED clean but, right now, you’re kind of in a pile of CRAP. Where in the world did you learn that write-on-TP trick?  For crissakes, do you know how much I got yelled at, as a kid, for using a half roll of toilet paper because I didn’t want to get a speck of poop on my fingers? My mother would have you water-boarded for wasting toilet paper on a silly robbery note!

Next robbery job—–go steal some photo copy paper from your job or the local library so that you have some legit scratch paper at home, Ya Jagoff!

 

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Above the Fries_Cover2

Afterhours Golf Cart Madness

YJ-GolfCarts

Well, you know what it’s like, right?  You’re hanging with your buddies. A few drinks happen. Ya start to argue about the Steelers’ chances in the 2015 Super Bowl, have heated discussions about the Pens new coach and how argue how one if you’s an #@$hole because he thinks Pedro Alvarez has to go.  Before that conversation turns into a fight, you change the conversation with the words:

Ya know what we should do?

And then everything that follows is  usually as series of bad choices but, heck, what have you got to lose BECAUSE YOU’RE IN THE 11TH GRADE!!!!

But these guys, mid-20’s guys thought it was a good idea to ALLEGEDLY have a few drinks and take some golf carts for a ride at 10:30-ish at night.  At some point, they get out on the road, crash and…..the best part…. a neighborhood guy chases them down by RUNNING!!! Haaaaaaa… haaaaaa….(pee trickle)…..snort… haaaaa.

See WPXI Story from Cara Sapida (@WPXICara)

This turns out to be one of those embarrassing stories that you and your buddies make a pact that you’ll NEVER tell anyone what happened EXCEPT for the fact that……the older neighbor chased your 24-year old ARSE down and called the police and then somehow it got on the news.

Boys, since ya seem to like drinking and driving golf carts (which is what most people do despite the fact that they call it GOLFING) here’s a joke you can tell the boys during your hot-dog turn the next time you’re out.

Q: Why does a golfer where two pair of pants?

A: In case he gets a hole in one!”

What’s that you say?  That joke is childish?

To that I say, no more childish than 3 mid-20 dudes who let a few beers ALLEGEDLY convince them that joy-riding in golf carts 10:30 at night is good idea, Ya Jagoffs!

A Police Car- Might Be the Wrong Car to ALLEGEDLY Hijack

YJ-Ria

I almost missed this story.  I heard it on WPXI as I was getting out of the shower, knew it was perfect, but had nothing with which to make a note.  Thankfully I was able to get a memory refresher from WPXI.com and every other “Dumb Criminal” news website around the country.  I have now purchased Crayola Bath Tub markers (64 pack) to make sure I never am without the ability to take a note!

So you’ve seen the Sears Optical TV commercial where the lady jumps into a police car mistaking it for a taxi, RIGHT?  (Click the video below to see the commercial if you need a refresher.)

Well, in a “real-life-imitates-TV-commercial” story,  a woman in the Strip District jumped in a car to drive it, ALLEGEDLY, to where her own car was.  The bad news is, the car was an unmarked police car.  The even MORE bad news is, there were two undercover police officers sitting in it.

You will also be shocked to find out that this woman ALLEGEDLY smelled of alcohol.

See WPXI story HERE.

No word on if the woman had mistaken it as an UberCar or a Lyft vehicle.    Also no word on if the undercover police car  lured her in with a fake “lyft-like” mustache on its bumper!

Hey Ria-ria-mamma-mia, good to hear that there was nothing in the police report about you cracking yourself up, in the “borrowed car” with all of your “I’m-glad-those-stupid-donut-eaters-didn’t-catch-me” stories!!!  That could have gotten ugly.

Fortunately his thing has an easy fix.  First,  slow down the drinking to a point where you’re just trying sweet talk a taxi driver into hitching a free ride.  Second, and this one is REALLY novel, don’t try to drive ANY car while you’re ALLEGEDLY smacked up with I’m-all-hotted-up-for-a-big-weekend-night-out fu-fu drinks, Ya Jagoff!