Criminal Jagoffs

A Police Car- Might Be the Wrong Car to ALLEGEDLY Hijack

YJ-Ria

I almost missed this story.  I heard it on WPXI as I was getting out of the shower, knew it was perfect, but had nothing with which to make a note.  Thankfully I was able to get a memory refresher from WPXI.com and every other “Dumb Criminal” news website around the country.  I have now purchased Crayola Bath Tub markers (64 pack) to make sure I never am without the ability to take a note!

So you’ve seen the Sears Optical TV commercial where the lady jumps into a police car mistaking it for a taxi, RIGHT?  (Click the video below to see the commercial if you need a refresher.)

Well, in a “real-life-imitates-TV-commercial” story,  a woman in the Strip District jumped in a car to drive it, ALLEGEDLY, to where her own car was.  The bad news is, the car was an unmarked police car.  The even MORE bad news is, there were two undercover police officers sitting in it.

You will also be shocked to find out that this woman ALLEGEDLY smelled of alcohol.

See WPXI story HERE.

No word on if the woman had mistaken it as an UberCar or a Lyft vehicle.    Also no word on if the undercover police car  lured her in with a fake “lyft-like” mustache on its bumper!

Hey Ria-ria-mamma-mia, good to hear that there was nothing in the police report about you cracking yourself up, in the “borrowed car” with all of your “I’m-glad-those-stupid-donut-eaters-didn’t-catch-me” stories!!!  That could have gotten ugly.

Fortunately his thing has an easy fix.  First,  slow down the drinking to a point where you’re just trying sweet talk a taxi driver into hitching a free ride.  Second, and this one is REALLY novel, don’t try to drive ANY car while you’re ALLEGEDLY smacked up with I’m-all-hotted-up-for-a-big-weekend-night-out fu-fu drinks, Ya Jagoff!

Worst Bank Robbery Disguise Ever

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Not sure what to say other than ask the question, “Was it worth it?”

Sometimes burglars get caught by doing something stupid like leaving a cell phone at the scene, using personalized stationary for the “stick-up” note, or dropping their wallet at the scene.  This guy?  Even worse.  He didn’t even have the sense to use one of those silly opera masks.

Police are looking for a man identified as Richard Thomas Jr., who robbed the First National Bank in North Huntingdon Saturday morning.

(Full Story on WPXI)

Given Mr. Thomas’ lack of any type of disguise, this crime never had a chance to be a Who-Dunnit!

Within 5 minutes, by using our Jagoffestrator and COLORFORMS skills (anyone remember Colorforms?), look how I was able to make him an unknown entity.

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Hey Robbin’ Richy, did you grow up as one of those kids that, on Halloween, only wore a hat and carried a big pillowcase for trick or treating?  I mean, for crisssakes guy, at least put on a Steelers ballcap and jacket or team jersey so that you have a chance to blend in with at least 85% of the local population on any given day, Ya Jagoff!

 

Package Stealing Jag (See Video)

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When you watch the video of this woman, it makes ya wanna call our buds at City Surveillance.

Here is the tweet that went along with the video:

this is the 2nd time this week I caught someone stealing packages off my front porch. Can you help?

Why of course we can.  We’re posting this just to see if anyone might be able to identify this Jag.

Watch the video below (it’s real).

Lady, I hope that when you get caught, you don’t go to jail.  I hope that the package you stole was a rolling pin and, when you get caught,  the true owners of the package get to take their turns banging your knees, elbows and ankles with the rolling pin for an amount of time equal to the time that the rightful owner spent looking for their package that never seemed to arrive.  And then, before you are taken to get X-rays, you actually have to work an entire day as a package delivery person in your bruised conditions, to see how hard someone actually works to make their OWN living so that they can enjoy life and BUY their own things vs. stealing someone else’s Ya Jagoff!

NOTE: And just in case you didn’t realize, YES, “Law Abiding Citizen” with Gerard Butler IS one of my favorite movies.