Criminal Jagoffs

Election Judge is a No-Show on Election Day


You’ve heard the coined phrase, “You had one job!”  Well, this guy had one job, to do on one day, Election Day, and well, he didn’t show up. As a matter of fact, not only did he not show up to open the polls in North Versailles, he was driving his car as a jitney WITH the precinct’s voting equipment in it.

See full story from KDKA-TV on (Yeah… it made national news)

So he didn’t sleep in….nor did he say, “Ya know, nobody’s coming to vote anyway, there’s only judges running.” he just started his jitney service.

Wait… I got it….he’s a trendsetter!  With all of the Food Truck activity, maybe he was starting a voting truck, “Burgers, Buns and Ballots!”

Dablin’-Darrin, bad choice guy! I mean, in my humble opinion, “I was gonna open up the polls late since there were only judges running and nobody planned on voting, especially that early in the morning” would have been a pretty reasonable excuse, Ya Jagoff!




Jagoff Roof Burglar?


Yeah… so he ALLEGEDLY entered the store, around 3am, via an air conditioning vent on the roof.  One thing he forgot….determine if anyone else was in the building.  Unfortunately there was and it happened to be a security guard who spied a rope ladder and pair of shoes dangling from the ceiling.

See full story on

WHAT?  Yep!  He crawled up on to the roof ALLEGEDLY and then down through the air vent.

IMPORTANT NOTE: At press time, it was unclear if the ALLEGED burglar, Thomas Beal, had used the internet connection to purchase a Wyle E. Cyote autographed rope ladder and/or the Wyle E Cyote elevator-jump-shoe-sole attachments to get him up on to the roof or if he used the old-fashioned Batman and Robin method of wall-climbing with a Battarang and rope.

When caught, Beal told police he was simply trying to sleep up on the roof (and then, we assume, he promptly broke out into “Up On The Roof” by the Drifters).

Beally-boy, we have a perfect alibi ready!  Do NOT say you were sleeping.  Say you were training for the next American Ninja Warrior episode. To validate that, make sure you talk about how you practiced the Wharped Wall and beat the @#@# out of that thing… that’s how you got UP on the roof.  (up on the…rooooooooooof)

Either way, have fun in jail… it will be a GREAT place to practice some other skills… like….your underground tunneling skills, Ya Jagoff!!!!

(up on the…rooooooooooof) You’re all WELCOME for the ear worm!



So, Why NOT Impersonate a Police Officer?


In the picture above is Justin #1 (burgundy shirt) and Justin #2, police officer holding on to Justin #1.

As it turns out, Justin #1 ALLEGEDLY got on line and met with a woman saying he was a police officer…and not just ANY police officer.  He said he was police officer, i.e, #Justin #2.  All of this took place in the tiny little town of Mount Pleasant Borough.. total population.. um… some number small enough that pretty much everyone knows everyone else.  Ya know, a perfect place to impersonate someone from the same town (allegedly).

See story on WTAE website.

At press time, our SJIU (Special Jagoff Investigative Unit) had not confirmed if the suspect was in possession of one of those big rolls of sticker “Junior Police Officer” badges at the time of his arrest.

When police officer Justin (#2 in our story) started getting texts from said female about their romantic encounters, he thought that to be a little odd and a little disturbing.  That’s when it all came to a head and now Justin #1 is being charged with impersonating a police officer and bunches of other stuff.  The cool part is, on the WTAE video,  when asked by the reporter Beau Berman about what’s going on, #Justin #1 says “I’m just trying to figure out why I’m here.

C’mon #Justin #1… don’t you watch the TV?  The standard trendy response that would make sense would be “I will be vindicated once ALL of the information comes out.”  That’s like in the free defense tips 101 handbook for crissakes!

Well, looks like ya got some time to think about what your Halloween costume is going to be this year.  Think you’ll go as a cop… or maybe even a slutty cop?

Dude…just guarantee us that, with that physique, you don’t go as the Village People cop!  I mean, I’m no Ken Doll with my physique BUT, you half naked in a Village People cop outfit would be even a more heinous crime…especially if someone would have had to review the pictures.  Seems, with that physique, you COULD impersonate a male stripper though.. TRAGIC MIKE!

Good luck impersonating a prisoner, Ya Jagoff!