Criminal Jagoffs

May 10 2012

Jail Escapee Ditches Jump Suit But….

This is gonna be an easy one.  If you like to read our blog while you’re doing your morning “sit on the toilet” you may need some more reading material today.

The article above is from the WPXI website.  It basically says:

David McFadden jumped out of a window at the Fayette County prison and ditched his uniform.  He was caught 10 minutes later by police.

Was it super-fantastic detective work that helped to catch the guy?  NOPE!   It was lack of planning on McFadden’s party.  Ya see, he thought of step one.. shedding his jail jump suit the moment he got out so that nobody recognized him as a jail-bird.  But Mr. McFadden DID NOT take step 2 into account and properly plan for it….he had no other clothes which, in turn, easily helped the police figure out which one HE was in a crowd…the guy only in underwear!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Thank God he WORE underwear!  Given this is Fayette County, he might have simply blended in, if he would have been naked!

God!  Don’t ya just wonder if, people like David,  are soooooo stupid that they have to set an alarm on their Timex, reminding them to BREATHE every 4 seconds??

Hey Davey, when you get back to your jail cell, here’s another hint when you go to CHANGE your underwear, here’s how to not be confused… remember, BROWN stains in the back and YELLOW stains in the front!  Now get back to jail before you hurt yourself out here, Ya Jagoff!

Share

By Jagoff Catcher • Criminal Jagoffs • 1

Apr 9 2012

Pitt Bomb Scares – Outline of Punishment

Last night, the University of Pittsburgh outlined new preventive safety procedures for accessing buildings in Oakland.  It’s a result of the multiple “bomb threats” over the past few weeks.  Just like Pittsburgh Pirate losing seasons, they are becoming too ridiculous to count!

Last night’s statement included the following (via the Post Gazette):

Beginning Monday, university personnel will begin to check all buildings before allowing anyone inside. Once a building is cleared, only one entrance will be open in each building and no one will be allowed in without a Pitt photo identification card.

The university also announced that book bags, backpacks and packages will not be allowed in the buildings.

University officials also warned that these measures will create long lines and urged students to arrive earlier than usual for class.

So even MORE inconvenience caused by this/these Jagoffs.  You know the details of the situation so let’s get straight to the punishment that we suggest.

Hey bomb-threaters (or the singular form bomb-threater if it applies) you think this is fun and entertaining.  In the meantime, 1,000′s continue to be inconvenienced at a high level.  The only punishment we can suggest, for when you’re caught, is to be sure that you feel the MISERY that you have caused everyone else so your punishment will start off with 10 straight hours of watching Pirates baseball games of the last 19 years, during which time you will be force fed a Taco Bell taco or a full order of PNC Park nachos with double jalapeno peppers every time the Pirates make an out OR have a run scored on them.

However, prior to that, our favorite gastroenterologist from UPMC, Dr. Lou Stool, will sew your colon shut so that you will be able to sense the kind of pressure your Jagoffery has caused.

In the meantime, since you seem to like the excitement of a big explosion, we will hook you up with the Zambelli fireworks staff.  They will see to it that you are strapped, naked, face-up on the July 4th fireworks barge in between two of the large fireworks launchers.  You will be close enough to enjoy the BLAST noise but ALSO close enough that the launch embers will be able to singe your bear skin, slooooooooowwwwwly, as you enjoy the show.  After the fireworks show, because we are nice and caring, we are going to suggest that you be whisked off to the Mercy Hospital Burn Unit and be put through the extremely painful process of soaking in burn debridement baths for your blast wounds.  The only problem is, there will suddenly be a shortage of any pain or sedation medication.

When you’re done soaking and screaming, you will enjoy being hoisted on to a post that says, “I love Coach Graham,” in front of Pitt’s Cathedral of Learning, where everyone who has been inconvenienced by this will be permitted to stick twigs, Popsicles, salt, Red Devil Hot Sauce or samples of the infamous MRSA infection into your open wounds for a number of hours equal to the lost class time at Pitt due to your actions, Ya Jagoff(s)!

NOTE: Comment below on what additional punishment these (this) Jagoff(s) should get.

Share

By Jagoff Catcher • Criminal Jagoffs • 1 • Tags: ,

Mar 12 2012

Someone Who Actually WANTED A Newspaper Insert!!!!

 

Things are busy here in the Jaggy-news room!  (For the record, the nickname Jaggy was given to us by Facebook Funnyman, Tad Askew.)  We actually have 5 Jagoff posts ideas already for this week.  Thanks to everyone that keeps submitting.  BUT… if there becomes a “BREAKING JAGOFF” story, DO NOT hesitate to send it in, we can maybe even dispatch our WJGF, Jago-One Chopper!!!

In the meantime, click the pic above if you want to see the full story behind today’s post.  As most of you know, we’re here to make Pittsburgh better one Jagoff at a time and, when someone from here embarrasses the rest of us, nationally, they get posted here.  This lady made national news!

Here’s an excerpt from the WPXI story,

A 58-year-old woman is accused of stealing bundles of newspapers… Linda Altman would wait for a Post-Gazette delivery truck to unload bundles of newspapers into a storage shed in Westmoreland County….Police said Altman is accused of stealing $2,700 worth of newspapers over the last 17 months…“She just said she was after the coupons…”

WHAAAAT????  Since it was only the coupon section and not the entire newspaper, we don’t think she was stealing them to put her fresh, home-baked cookies on to cool as they were coming off a hot cookie sheet!!!!  And if she WAS doing that, we’d want to know how many Toll House Cookies and Snicker-doodles you can fit on $2,700 worth off single-layered Post Gazette pages! (get some milk, we gonna dunk!)

And who in theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee hell was CLIPPING all those couponss???????  Her hands must have had scissor calluses tougher than a falcon glove!

On the other hand, we’re not really sure WHY anyone’s complaining.  Who actually WANTS those PG inserts anyway??

First, Linda Ultimate-Couponer-Altman, have you NEVER heard about Aldi’s, smartphones, Q-R codes, GroupOn, email coupons and electronic Fuel Perks???  These are so much EASIER…and free AND legal!!!!!

But here’s what we’re guessing:  we think we were actully behind you at a Giant Eagle self-checkout lane once— you were the lady in the self check-out lane, despite having 2 overloaded carts, needed to double-bag your frozen items and soaps, had to pre-sort out two, separate houses of grocery bags, didn’t know how to enter the key-code for the the Clementines that were on special, only had cash and had at least 50 totally-wrinkled 5-dollar bills that wouldn’t go into the bill feeder and THEN had $2,700 worth of coupons to scan and stuff into that little “Insert Coupons Here” slot, Ya Jagoff!!!

Don’t forget to get your “Don’t Be A Jagoff” cellphone skin from the folks at CellPig

(The only place in the world that has them.)

Click on the photo below to see all of ‘em!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Share

By Jagoff Catcher • Criminal Jagoffs • 0 • Tags: , , ,

Jan 26 2012

This Post Has Some Teeth To It.. Wait.. WHO STOLE THEM??

So we’re watching this new story.  To sum it up, a bunch of cars got burglarized in the Bridgeville area.  From one of the cars, the only thing the burglars took were the owner’s false teeth.

God!  This brings up so many questions.  The first of which is, “Why would you steal false teeth?”  Second and third on our list is, “Why do you store your teeth in your car?” and “Where they in the cup holder soaking clean or were they stashed in a specially made Sunglass-False-Teeth-Holder attached to the sun visor?” (They probably have one of those in the SkyMall Magazine.)

As we’re getting ready to write these burglars up for being…..well, you know….we find THIS story on the WTAE website:

Haaaaa..haaaaaaa.haaaaaaa are you kidding?  We thought that rule #798.5, subsection 8, paragraph 11 in the “Bank Robbery Manual” was, COVER ALL DISTINGUISHING MARKS!!!!! Haaaa….haaaaa… oh (a little bit of pee just squirted out from laughing so hard!)… you just cannot beat local news for a Jagoff Catcher Net!!!!!!

OK.. get signed up for eBay and Craig’s List cuz you will probably get a reward if you see these two postings:

GPS Units, iTouch, and a set of teeth ..estate sale, call ……

Then this:

Just came across a large amount of money, looking for a set of dentures, call…..

Owe-Emmm-Geeeee (that’s the long form of OMG)!  What the hell is happening around here?  The other day, a guy waiting for the bus got shot in his hand (WPXI) because a robber wanted his cell phone!  Stealing phones and dentures?  Does that mean all of the copper is gone at this point??????????

Hey burglars, you’re making the rest of us Pittsburghers look bad (and that means you get posted here) with your bounty choices.  If you’re going to be in the STEALING BUSINESS, can you at least do some armored car stuff or SOMETHING more substantial?  Like, steal a police car or something then give your name over the police radio as you scream, “Catch me if you can!”  If ‘you guys are in the “Robbers Apprentice Program” we don’t think you’re gonna graduate with honors.

Actually, we think these two crimes are……. here it comes……..at some point we think these two crimes are gonna come back to BITE YA IN THE ASS, YA JAGOFFS!!!

Share

By Jagoff Catcher • Criminal Jagoffs, News People Jagoffs • 1 • Tags: , ,

Dec 23 2011

Hey! Looky HERE! We Stole Some Money But Don’t Tell Anyone!!!

If you haven’t heard about this story, click the photo above for WPXI’s Cara Sapida’s version.  It’s great to watch her tell the story and try and keep a straight face!

This is going to be a quick story because it’s real easy.  These guys stole $8,000 from a local convenience store – in their own neighborhood where people know them.  After that, they decided to celebrate and take pictures of themselves with the loot and posted them on Facebook.

(Do we need to write anymore?????)

Whaddaya think?  Will they get infamous Pittsburgh defense lawyer Jim Ecker to defend them by saying these boys are typically really good kids, outstanding citizens, who  were just playing a game of Pittsburgh Monopoly at home so that they could be off the streets and out of trouble and that it’s just a COINCIDENCE that they posted this picture of their Monopoly winnings the day after an unfortunate “unknown burglar” hit the Elliot’s Town Market.

Or wait!  It’s December, maybe he’ll argue “How do we know that they didn’t make this money by shoveling snow from neighborhood driveways and sidewalks?”  (Oops, it’s 55 degrees)

So what is left to be said?  As it turns out the juveniles involved do not have a criminal history according to the WPXI story.  However, we looked into their school history and found that they have been troubled geniuses for some time:

In grade school, the one kid stole a basket ball from the playground at lunch time, didn’t  know what to do with it so he put it under the front of his t-shirt and told everyone he had gas and was feeling bloated.

In 2007, they wanted to all get out of school early so they all brought notes in that said, “_____ needs to get out early.  Signed, Horshak’s Mom.” (That will be the ONLY “Welcome Back Kotter” reference we ever make)

In 2010, they all skipped school, saying they were sick but, when they got hungry that day, they showed up at the school for lunch.

In the Spring of 2011, they took a test in school and cheated on it.  When they all got A’s, the teacher asked them for a copy of their notes.  They all submitted photocopies of the back of their hands where they still had their cheat notes written.

Earlier this year, they had broken into a school pop vending machine and stole all of the cans of pop.  The only reason they got caught was, they were too lazy to carry the stolen pop anywhere so they  set up a table NEXT to the broken-into pop machine and tried to sell those cans of pop on their own!

Boys, the take-away-lesson here is, it’s great to be the most popular people on Facebook, just not with the cops, Ya Jagoffs!

Have a GREAT HOLIDAY!!

Keep your eyes peeled for Jagoff stories… parties, drivers, co-workers, shoppers, whatever!

NOTE:  The best news of all is that a family member turned them in.  Kudos to them!!  They actually should get a reward.

Share

By Jagoff Catcher • Criminal Jagoffs • 1 • Tags: , , ,

1 2 3