Batman Jagoffs

Movie-goer Jagoffs….Where’s The Buffet?

One more “guest blog” as we give some Pittsburgh Comedians

a chance to express themselves!

By: Tom Musial (Pittsburgh Comedian)

On a hot summer day, lots of people like to beat the heat by heading to the local theater to catch the latest big movie. But as with anything,you’re going to have to deal with Jagoffs.

We all know about the Talking Jagoffs and the Texting Jagoffs and the Excuse-Me-I-Have-To-Go-To-The-Bathroom-Ten-Times Jagoffs, but I want to talk about the Food Jagoffs: those patrons who insist on pairing their movie with a five course meal of a giant soft pretzel, a slice of pizza, a foot long chili dog, a box of chicken fingers, and a tray of nachos.

Let me be clear: I have nothing against snacking in a movie theater. Movies and popcorn have been an American tradition for more than a century. Personally, I prefer a box of Sno-Caps. But a full meal? It’s a concession stand, folks, not a Golden Corral.

I can’t understand why someone would even want that nasty and outrageously expensive theater food anyway. If you’re that hungry on the way to the show, drive through McDonalds! You can get a 20-piece McNugget for only $4.99 these days. That wouldn’t even cover the cost of your soft pretzel.

I wouldn’t even mind so much if they ate their food during the previews and then took their trash out into the hall. But instead, these bozos eat half of each plate, then stick their refuse under their seat where it quickly begins to decompose.

There’s nothing more disgusting than a pile of half-eaten food slowly disintegrating in a dark, crowded, airtight room. By the time the movie gets to the exiting climax, the entire theater smells like a dumpster out behind a roller rink.

I went to see “Inception” a few years back, and to me the biggest mystery was: why do Leonardo DiCaprio’s dreams smell like dried ketchup floating in a bed of congealed nacho cheese?

So to all you movie goers can’t make it two hours without a 5,000 calorie serving of processed meats and imitation cheese, please do me one favor –
go to Redbox… Ya Jagoffs!

You can follow Tom Musial on Twitter and his own blog HERE

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Question To Pittsburgh Batman From Jagoff Riddler

Riddle me THIS Batman, “When is a Jagoff Catcher a Jagoff?”

Well, the answer isn’t hard.  But it’s tough to post on of our own as a Jagoff here on our blog.

So Mrs. Jagoff catcher calls my cell phone from work and says, “I left my cell phone at home today.  If you need anything, call my work phone.  And please check my phone for messages tthroughout the day ….”  I say, “OK, no problem!”

Halfway through the day I look at her phone screen.  Sure enough, there are messages noted.  At that point, I realize that her phone screen is locked and requesting a 6 digit password.  I don’t know it.

Here comes the GOOD part where I show my BRILLIANCE.  Not having the password is really no issue, right?  Because I’ll just text Mrs. Jagoff and get the password number!  (Do you see where this is going?)  Yeah, I’m so deeply engrained in my habits that I totally disregarded common sense and texted her CELL PHONE!

Imagine my dismay, and my disappointment THAT I SPENT GOOD MONEY ON AN MBA, when MY text came to HER phone, which was sitting right next to me!  The minute her phone went off with my text message, essentially to myself, I thought, that’s it… the only technical thing I should be in charge of should be an Etch-a-Sketch!!!

So hey, Mr. Jagoff Catcher Smart-ass-Snarky-writer-Who-thinks-he’s-smarter-than-the-average-bear-And-takes-pride-in-calling-out-the-stupid-things-others-do, being totally dependent on technology CAN have it’s disadvantages.  (JESUS!  I just realize that I’m STILL writing notes to myself with this post!)  I can just here me telling this story and my 8th grade nun, Sr. Anecita, saying, “You think your SOOOO FUNNY, Mr. !”  Or, if I was telling this to BUGGA – the first person I ever heard USE our famous phrase – She would say, “See!  You think your soooooo funny, YA JAGOFF!!!

 

Our FIRST Batman Movie Jagoff


This is the kind of story that makes us GLAD we started this page. It’s EVERYTHING we expected in a story.

As I turned on the 10pm news last night as background noise while trying to figure out what the next Jagoff post was going to be, up it came.  Like Jesus’ likeness on toast or a garage wall.

(Insert angel noises here)

A news story about Micah Calamosca of the high-society-Shadyside section of the City. Seems that Micah felt that he needed a car Sunday afternoon and is not aware of the ZIP CARS. So he jumped in a random car that was already running.  Unfortunately the car was a police vehicle and was occupied – BY AN PLAINCLOTHES POLICE OFFICER!

When the law enforecment officer identified himself, Micah simply told the guy he was part of the Batman Movie filming that is currently taking place and that he was supposed to steal a card according to the script!

Micah, we’re not sure if you’re a huge idiot OR a quick-on-your-feet GENIUS.  We give you an “A” for effort on that excuse.

But RIDDLE ME THIS my dear Micah-Bruce-Wayne-Wanna-be, “Can Micah Calamosca the Shadyside millionaire playboy, industrialist, and philanthropist and Micah-the-snake-charming-car-jacker truly co-exist?  Please format your answer in  the form of a question (a la Jim Carey, Riddler from Batman Forever, 1995), YA JAGOFF!!!

NOTE: We think you should have told the cop you were making one of those silly Sears Optical TV commercials CLICK HERE if not familiar.