Oct 23 2012
It’s been a while since we posted an “Inanimate Jagoff.” And this is any easy one… the UN-level restaurant table!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You sit down at a table, hoping for good food, good service, good times aaaaaand then….. the table rocks because one of the leveling pegs is missing or too short. Which leads us to one REALLY obvious question, “What happened to this table between now and 4 minutes ago when the LAST couple was using it?” Did they finish eating, pay their bill, then inconspicuously crawl underneath the table with a tool box, put it up on jacks and twist the level-thingy just after they conspired to twist the salt and pepper shaker lids partially off (so that they would dump all over the next users food) and then run like hell?
We don’t think so cuz we see far more unlevel restaurant tables than we do crazy-looking people running out of restaurants with tool boxes.
So now your faced with asking for a new table or, like most of us do, finding some way to tolerate the irritating rocking OR jury-rig a solution of napkins, or stacks of Sweet-n-Low OR put your foot on the table leg or lean your elbow heavily own the table for the entire meal so that the unlevel side stays put.
Look, all that we know is….this world now has equipment that allows a guy to parachute from outer-space, gyro-fitted video cameras that can tape a ride on the Kennywood Racers and make it look like you’re on a smooth ride in a low-riding Escalade and CMU students that write software to make a robot dance GANGNAM STYLE.
We also have Smartphone Apps that track your pre-meal exercise caloric burn, provide driving directions to the restaurant, make wine suggestions for your meal, calculate the calorie intake of the meal AND then allow you to post photos of your meal on social media.
But for some reason, nobody can figure out how to keep restaurant tables level for more than one meal.
Will someone on the Allegheny County Council PA-LEEZE write a job description for a Restaurant-Table-Leveling-Thingy-Adjustment-Professional (RTLTAP for short) and require all restaurants to hire one then up the 7% alcohol tax to 10% to pay for it, Ya Jagoffs?
What’s Your Favorite REAL or MADE-UP Trick To Level a Rocky Restaurant Table??