Apr 8 2011
Oh my GAWD!!! Clay, WV. Ever been????
So there we were in the family truckster driving up from the South headed toward I-79, the last leg, for home. I miss an exit and end up taking a 45-minute detour, thru Charleston, WV. Now, the gang is hungry and has to pee. We take the I-79 exit for Clay, West “holy hell” Virginia.
1) As we take the exit for Subway – the next sign says food and toilets are 9.9 miles from the exit (Isn’t that illegal somehow?)– but everyone’s bladders are already sniffing a toilet somewhere so no way to say “Howzabout the next exit?”
2) The road to Clay had more car-sickness-generating hills, u-turns and hairpin curves than any ride at Kennywood Park
3) We played witness to literally EVERY West Virginia joke and stereotype – from house trailers held together with glue, plywood and two-by-fours, to rotten upholstered couches on dilapidated porches to rusted old cars AND school buses in front yards
10+ miles later we hit 4 buildings of civilization – a Foodland Grocery Store, some kind of pizza and radiator shop, The Biscuit Palace and the Subway. (How in the hell did Subway end up here?)
Enter NEXT W.V. Stereotype:
The workers at the Subway talking ‘bout “gettin’ me one of those nine-ta-five jobs” while they ever-so-PAINFULLY-slowly play sandwich artist for the family of 6 in front of us (with 9 teeth total counting the infant) who were dressed in their “Sunday Best Blue Jeans.”
As we planned for our escape, I was looking for the quickest evacuation route so I didn’t have to sell my wife or daughter as ransom for my own freedom! I found two cyclists in their fancy-tight-fitting uniforms. They looked like ALIENS in the Subway – they HAD to know the escape exit, right? The guy explains our exit route from holy-hell-town. I confirm. He explains again and then says, “but take yer time, it’s a beautiful drive along the river!” NO THANKS CYCLE BOY – seen many rivers, have no interest in seeing the bottom of one or being tied to a tree near one.
This is reaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllly getting’ long so…..
Hey City of Clay, WV – Howzabout, when ya post those highway signs tellin’ drivers that there’s food and terlets at yer Junkhole-Deliverance-movie-set-We-take-pride-in-incest town, ya put an asterisk on it that says “you will be TOTALLY jacked if you actually try and stop here” YA JAGOFFS!!!!
DISCLAIMER: Not sure if this is funny or not but I am REALLY glad I got this off my chest. Dr. Phil would be proud!
(And Mr. Clay, if I were yer family, I get that town name changed ASAP – yer kids letting this town use yer name is about as diabolical as them putting ya in a nursing home.)